Find a Conversation
|Wed, 08-19-2009 - 8:56pm|
I have been reading everyone's posts for a few weeks and working up the nerve to write for support. I initially wrote on the Divorce message board but probably fit better here.
This is my lovely story. I have been married for 8 years and with my STBX for 12 yrs. I am 36 yrs old with an almost 3yr old son and an 8mth baby girl. My STBX decided to "confess" to be on 7/24 that he had a two month A during the last two months of my pregnancy with some skank (my word, of course) he met at school. Talk about gross!! The A ended only 2 weeks before I gave birth to my daughter and supposably ended because the fun (i.e.-sex) was gone. The sad thing is that I have been suspecting an A for some time and have confronted him about 3x straight out about it and he denied it. I thought it was with a co-worker that he had inappropriate conversations with over the past couple of years. The lying that he has done over the co-worker conversations has led to a lot of tension in the marriage (like any lying would) so it wasn't like I was thinking our marriage was perfect or anything.
The kicker is...after much prying about the state of our marriage, he tells me that he doesn't want to stay married because "he hasn't loved me for some time". He said he has felt this way before even our daughter was conceived. Hmmm..then why have another child??? (he said he thought that would fix the problem). Did he ever think talking to me about how he was feeling could fix the problem? We did have plenty of relationship conversations in the past but I guess never took strong action on any changes.
So, we are now heading down the divorce path which is just totally draining me of all my sanity and energy. He is being partially decent about trying not to screw me anymore than I have already been screwed. We live in a 50/50 state and I am the breadwinner by leaps and bounds so he is making out like a bandit financially from all my hard work.
Things that I want to just express (that I am sure most of you have felt at one time or another)but will make me feel better saying them:
1) If he wasn't in love, he should have spoke up. We could have divorced and probably remained friends. Now I have so much hate, it makes me even more mad that I waste energy on him.
2) The act of cheating is so beyond selfish, its unreal. I asked plenty of questions and got plenty of answers. It is like he was living a double life and not in reality. The sad thing is that my reality was working full-time, having his sister and BIL stay with us (with their dog and 3 cats, along with our 2 dogs) for eight months, having a 2 year old and being pregnant while he was out screwing a 24 yr old because it made him feel "wanted".
3) He couldn't control himself in the last two months of school (he graduated that semester after me supporting him for like 4 years of him taking classes at night). Not only that, I was pregnant.
4) The skank totally knew he was married, with a child and one on the way. What is up with people who have no disregard for others? Maybe this was an ego boost for her. I will never get that either. At 24 yrs old, I definitely knew better! (I know there are OW and OM at all ages)
5) Why never think of the kids? I ask him how he could drive to do all of this with my son's carseat, books and sippy cups in his car. Like wouldn't that be a reality check enough.
6) What about my daughter? Not conceived out of love and surely not thought of while he was with the skank. We were having intimate relations too (pregnancy hormones) so it makes me even more sick knowing he put her at risk if he contracted a STD.
I really, really want to move past all this anger. I know I need to for the kids. We work at the same company and it takes all my energy to not blurt out to his co-workers what a scumbag he is (I am a director and it just would be beyond unprofessional to get all street-like at work-lol!)
I give all of you who worked through the A and stayed in the marriage. I always said I would never stay if it happened and then when it happened to me, I thought I would just for the sake of my kids. I am more taken back by the fact that he doesn't even want to try to work on things.
Anyway, that's my story. I feel better putting it out there and getting the strength from all of your posts. Just knowing that others have gone through this crap and survived is motivation enough to not feel so much pity for myself!! I know this isn't the worst thing in the world (my sister died 5 years ago at age 36 and that WAS the worst thing in the world), it just sucks!!!