Introduction

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Introduction
7
Wed, 08-19-2009 - 8:56pm

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading everyone's posts for a few weeks and working up the nerve to write for support. I initially wrote on the Divorce message board but probably fit better here.

This is my lovely story. I have been married for 8 years and with my STBX for 12 yrs. I am 36 yrs old with an almost 3yr old son and an 8mth baby girl. My STBX decided to "confess" to be on 7/24 that he had a two month A during the last two months of my pregnancy with some skank (my word, of course) he met at school. Talk about gross!! The A ended only 2 weeks before I gave birth to my daughter and supposably ended because the fun (i.e.-sex) was gone. The sad thing is that I have been suspecting an A for some time and have confronted him about 3x straight out about it and he denied it. I thought it was with a co-worker that he had inappropriate conversations with over the past couple of years. The lying that he has done over the co-worker conversations has led to a lot of tension in the marriage (like any lying would) so it wasn't like I was thinking our marriage was perfect or anything.

The kicker is...after much prying about the state of our marriage, he tells me that he doesn't want to stay married because "he hasn't loved me for some time". He said he has felt this way before even our daughter was conceived. Hmmm..then why have another child??? (he said he thought that would fix the problem). Did he ever think talking to me about how he was feeling could fix the problem? We did have plenty of relationship conversations in the past but I guess never took strong action on any changes.

So, we are now heading down the divorce path which is just totally draining me of all my sanity and energy. He is being partially decent about trying not to screw me anymore than I have already been screwed. We live in a 50/50 state and I am the breadwinner by leaps and bounds so he is making out like a bandit financially from all my hard work.

Things that I want to just express (that I am sure most of you have felt at one time or another)but will make me feel better saying them:
1) If he wasn't in love, he should have spoke up. We could have divorced and probably remained friends. Now I have so much hate, it makes me even more mad that I waste energy on him.
2) The act of cheating is so beyond selfish, its unreal. I asked plenty of questions and got plenty of answers. It is like he was living a double life and not in reality. The sad thing is that my reality was working full-time, having his sister and BIL stay with us (with their dog and 3 cats, along with our 2 dogs) for eight months, having a 2 year old and being pregnant while he was out screwing a 24 yr old because it made him feel "wanted".
3) He couldn't control himself in the last two months of school (he graduated that semester after me supporting him for like 4 years of him taking classes at night). Not only that, I was pregnant.
4) The skank totally knew he was married, with a child and one on the way. What is up with people who have no disregard for others? Maybe this was an ego boost for her. I will never get that either. At 24 yrs old, I definitely knew better! (I know there are OW and OM at all ages)
5) Why never think of the kids? I ask him how he could drive to do all of this with my son's carseat, books and sippy cups in his car. Like wouldn't that be a reality check enough.
6) What about my daughter? Not conceived out of love and surely not thought of while he was with the skank. We were having intimate relations too (pregnancy hormones) so it makes me even more sick knowing he put her at risk if he contracted a STD.

I really, really want to move past all this anger. I know I need to for the kids. We work at the same company and it takes all my energy to not blurt out to his co-workers what a scumbag he is (I am a director and it just would be beyond unprofessional to get all street-like at work-lol!)

I give all of you who worked through the A and stayed in the marriage. I always said I would never stay if it happened and then when it happened to me, I thought I would just for the sake of my kids. I am more taken back by the fact that he doesn't even want to try to work on things.

Anyway, that's my story. I feel better putting it out there and getting the strength from all of your posts. Just knowing that others have gone through this crap and survived is motivation enough to not feel so much pity for myself!! I know this isn't the worst thing in the world (my sister died 5 years ago at age 36 and that WAS the worst thing in the world), it just sucks!!!

-Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
In reply to: juice113
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 12:35am
Hi Juice
He is not giving you anything to work with, so you are much better off without him, be glad to be rid of him.
Rebuilding is so very hard, you have to have some hope that it will be worth the trouble.
Peace & Strength to you
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
In reply to: juice113
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 1:58am

Jessica

I hope you are attempting to get some help. Friends, books, therapy are a good place to start. It's hard to wrap your mind around what a spouse does. The fact is that what he did most likely had nothing to do with you and the thing he said probably reflect his pain rather than an honest reflection of his feelings. I know this all sounds touchy feeley at this moment. But the fact is that you have children with this man and you will never really be free of him. You might suggest to him once the anger settles down to also see a therapist. Both of your lives will be better, even apart, if you guys can come to grips with what really happened here.

My spouse was lying her butt off, blaming me for everything, having affairs with four men. Now, I have a much, much calmer person, I'm dealing with. One who is really sorry for the misery she put me and the kids through.

No judgment on you sweetie. Trust me, I've been there. I'm just putting something out there. Sometimes things just can't be fixed in any way. But my experience is that the more effort I put into this thing early, things can exponentially better later on.

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and those kiddos. You don't deserve any of this.

Thomas

5 kids ages 16-10, D Day: August, 2008

What I'm doing to rebuild: Therapy, Books, Exercise, Forgiveness.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
In reply to: juice113
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 8:12pm

there are some of us who NEVER worked thru the affair, yet are still here. our fault, i know. we are totally responsible for our own decisions.

since i was not strong enough to do so I SO WISH MY H WOULD HAVE LEFT. i could have then at least had a chance at a life. i would have been then filled with new insight about myself, what i needed/wanted, what i would and would not settle for.

i want you to remember this post. something tells me that you are going to be better than fine down the road. you are a winner, i can just tell. he unfortunately will look back and try and kick himself in the a** for being such a dummy.

this chapter of your life is closing, but that is what makes life so interesting - WE NEVER KNOW WHAT LIES AROUND THE NEXT BEND.

begin to really focus on you - yes, even though you have children. in doing so you will show them what you are made of. they will aspire to be like their mom - strong, beautiful, funny, intelligent, full of integrity, moral, did i mention beautiful????

you go girl, THE BEST IS YET TO COME - even though you may not feel like that now. trust me, i have been around the bend a time or 2.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: juice113
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 1:55pm

Welcome to the board - your H has certainly revealed his true character to you, hasn't he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: juice113
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 2:03pm

Hi Jessica,


It has been 2 months since D Day (discovery day)

T.J.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
In reply to: juice113
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:19pm

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to write and provide your support. Every time I read a post from a "survivor", I feel so empowered. It has been a month since D-Day and I actually feel pretty good. Like some of you have said, he is starting to live with the pity and shame of his actions while I am moving forward with taking care of myself and the kids. I had a rough patch for a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden snapped out of it. I am lucky enough to have people I can constantly talk about this too and get support. He actually does not have a support system and seems to be suffering in silence. I started feeling really bad for him so I contacted his family to see if they can reach out to him before he has a total mental breakdown. His family has been pretty supportive of me (his dad told him straight out it was a mistake and 2 of his three sisters have been cheated on in marriage so they get what I am going through and are disgusted with him). He says he will get therapy but I will believe it when I see it. I speak constantly to his sister, who lived with us, as she is extremely traumatized by all of this. She almost seems worse off than I do. I guess at the end of the day, I need to be strong for the kids and she has him living with her so its a constant reminder on her end.

We will be signing the separation/divorce agreement tomorrow so at least that was not as much of a headache as I expected. Let's see if I say that in a few months when we try to follow what we put in it. The sucky thing is the constant contact I have with him because of the kids and having at the house so much for them. I totally know its the right thing for the kids, it just makes it too easy for him. He gets to leave and have a peaceful night of sleep while I tend to the baby. I keep telling myself to enjoy the extra bonding time with the baby that he doesn't have.

The highlight of this week is that the other day he told me that I said a few things in our last fight that made him "hate me". I thought "great, then my mission was accomplished". I said words are just words but what he did was a strong action. I guess what I said actually threw him back into reality a little bit!!! As pointed out, he does have to live with this and will always be marked by this in his future relationships ("why are you divorced?"). I don't know what gem he could end up with by having this track record.

If the kids can come out of all of this okay, then I will feel like I did the best I can. Like I said, I can survive this for sure. Me and my kids have their health, I was able to have kids, I am employed, I can provide food and clothing and we have a roof over our heads. In this day and age, that is much more than the majority of the population has. I remind myself every day of that. Things could surely be worse than all of this!!!

Again, I thank everyone for their support. Too bad we had to meet under these circumstances :-0

-Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
In reply to: juice113
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 6:42pm

HI Jessica,


YOU ARE AMAZING!

T.J.