It keeps getting worse- new revelations, multiple OPs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
It keeps getting worse- new revelations, multiple OPs
5
Wed, 12-21-2011 - 10:05am

So now I've learned there was a second girl. This one lives 2 hours away and he is a client of hers. He said it was only via phone, and that he pursued her and she was resistant, though they still had conversations about sex and what she liked and he told her all the things he would do to her. I want to barf as I write this. I am not 100% clear but it seemed he was trying to get her to have phone sex but she wouldn't go that far? I am still not sure. OF COURSE, just like the other girl that he actually slept with, I had a bad feeling about this woman from the f'n start. I don't know why I didn't trust my gut more. I think there may be more than just these two but he seems to only be able to tell me a little bit of the the truth at a time.

How many of you are working to repair after several OW? I feel that this is an impossible task. And now this is no longer about me and the pain he has caused. It's about "what is wrong with him?". I am a mess. Please help me and tell me what you have done to get through this. I can't stop shaking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I agree with both of your responders, no surprise there since we've all 3 been on this board quite awhile.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Thank you all for your replies. We had couples counseling yesterday and it went surprisingly well, which of course makes me more confused than ever... He seems to be understanding the concept of "no contact" & why it is crucial & is taking steps to make that happen. Now we'll just see if he keeps up with it. He seems committed to it but if either of these women try to get in touch with him I'm worried he won't be strong. He's so f'n worried about what people think of him, he doesn't want them to be mad at him. T explained to him why that is wrong thinking & that what's most important is what goes on in our relationship, not these other people. So. It was like he finally started to get it.
It's difficult, to try to be understanding and supportive of the person who has totally f'd up your life. It feels like it's all about him and his growth as a person at the moment. Ug.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008

How many of you are working to repair after several OW? I am HT

this is my second marriage, my first divorced took a toll on my relationship with my children so I have because of this gone through much more than I would have ever imagined to keep my family together (I have a 4 year old with DH)

you are on the right track, your man is messed up, realizing this is a big step for you so early

it took me over a year to get the truth from him and (it went from 1

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007

i can feel your pain, shock and disgust in your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

My opinion is that you can eventually forgive (but not forget) the first affair, but usually not without marriage counseling to pinpoint the reason it happened to begin with. A second affair (or even attempted affair) is unforgivable and shows a pattern of a man needing attention and validation outside of the marriage from other women. I think a man won't change if he didn't learn a lesson the first time he got caught. It shows that his selfish need for attention and validation from other women IS more important than the devastation his wife will feel over his behavior.
Sorry you are going thru this but it really IS better to know about this than to be in the dark . And now that he's attempted this again (whether this was just phone sex he wanted or he would have attempted to take this further if she was game) you'll never know for sure. Thing is if you stay with him you will be living a life of having the urge to check his e mail and phone for a long time, and this is no way to live.