It never seems to end (long sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2009
It never seems to end (long sorry)
6
Fri, 07-03-2009 - 11:49pm

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this board and I really wish I wasnt (no offense but who really wants to find themselves here lol)

A little bit of background first. Me and my husband have been together for 17 years, married for 7. We have two beautiful little girls together. 3 years ago there was this girl who kept going into his work (he is a dj in a bar) and they started talking more and more. I became friends with her as well and all three of us were pretty close and she eventually became my primary babysitter. Her and my husband eventually fell for each other and started an affair. Long story short, we separated.

Fast forward a year later, him and I reconciled. I moved back into our home but he couldnt live here because of problems with the babysitter he left me for (she was pissed we were getting back together and had him arrested for harassment which was completely dropped when he went to court) So he comes home at the end of April. Things were great for a week until I found chat logs from him and a female friend of his. I found out that they have been sleeping together for almost 2 years. I knew at one point they were sleeping together and on his end it was just sex, on her end it was complete infatuation, borderline obsession. I had believed him for the longest time that it was over and done with. STUPID ME! I basically told him that we were done. Infidelity was the reason we split up in the first place and it took me a lot to pick up the shattered pieces and even more when I decided to forgive him and I was not going to put me or my kids back in the same potential situation that we barely made it through before. After a few days and a lot of fighting, I told him that I would try one more time but under no circumstances was he to have any contact with her at all. I understand he cant control her coming into his work and hanging out all day (she is a loser who hangs out at a bar all day just to be near him instead of working or worrying about her own kids)but he doesnt need to talk to her when she is there. I thought that he understood this but Im finding out that he is still communicating with her, she drives him home after work and he still doesnt get home until 4am and the bar closes at 2. I cant prove any of this because she drops him off no where near the house so I cant see it but I know. I have confronted him about this and he says she is just a friend and he wants her to do better for herself and blah blah blah. I have asked him how he feels that its ok for him to continue a friendship with a woman he had an affair with and how Im supposed to find it acceptable. He didnt have an answer.

I dont want to do this anymore. I honestly tried but I dont know how to end it. I cant believe him when he tells me that he has no contact with her. I used to go through his phone, computer etc but he is smarter than that and deletes everything. I cant prove or disprove anything. I feel like Im going crazy here :-( Any input would be great. Thanks everyone.

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 1:09am

Jenn:

i have been where you are. - many, many times. you see i too kept forgive, kept thinking he was going to change, that it would be ok this time - we would be happy.

however, he never changed jenn. no, he kept at it. he would lie low for a while but then as soon as he thought the coast was clear he was back at it. you see what my husband knew and what your husband knows is this. we love them, we love them deep, we believe in marriage and our family. we are kind and caring people who tend to look for the best even in the worst.

i have been married for almost 32 years; you 17. it does not get any better, as a matter of fact it gets worse. it will numb you. you will loose who you are, maybe you already have as i did. i put him, the kids, my family before me I KNOW NOW THAT WAS THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD I COULD DO. i did not love myself enough to demand more and so he gave me as little as he could because he knew i would settle for that.

i am 59 now, and finally i am beginning to cut my way thru the fog of all he had done to me. including fathering an illegitimate daughter that i did not know about until she was 17. he lied about that as well, he did not know the woman, then she worked for him, then she was crazy, then finally "alright, alright i slept with her - but she meant nothing she was a 2 bit welfare whore".

noone can tell you what you should do, that is a personal decision. but i will share this with you, he will continue to treat you the way he is because he knows you will accept it.

your life has nothing to do with him, do you understand what i am saying. your life is about you - not him, not we, BUT YOU. when you loose you you end up chaining yourself to misery.

while i do not know you i am sure, quite sure you deserve better. i am quite sure you deserve a life partner who will love and care for you and only you. a man who is secure enough with himself that he will not have the need or desire for anyone but you.

please believe that you deserve the best, i know it is hard, i know it is scary but think of this - each day you allow him to treat you in this manner is one more day taken from you.

you may not realize it, but this kind of stress takes its toll. it takes its toll on your body, your spirit, your self esteem, your self worth. no one should have that king of power over another person.

the people on this site are very special, they care. read as many posts as you can especially the ones talking about repeat betrayors.

take care of you, you are worth it.

look for the 180 list, study it and practice it. it will help you to begin to take your power back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 10:38am

And same here I have been married 31 and am SLOWLy recovdering from DDAY 3.


IT doesn't get easier or better as you age. You need to draw a clear sign in the sand and say NO MORE contact with any female. NONE. I don't care if her house is on fire it's not your job to put it out. NO CONTACT and make very clear consequences if he contacts her or any other female.


YOU need to get tested for STD's asap and get an attorney on retainer ASAP. You also need get into to coulselling for you both. eGADS WHY DO THEY DO THIS?


s

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 07-04-2009 - 6:09pm
So he's had two affairs you KNOW of, one that obviously must still be going on if he doesn't show up until 4 in the morning.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-06-2009 - 8:09am
Your H's actions tell you that he places very little value on his role as a husband and a father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2009
Mon, 07-06-2009 - 12:52pm

Thank you all for telling me what I already knew but didn't want to admit to myself, it definitely helped a lot. I sat down and talked with him last night. I explained my feelings as a whole as well as my feelings of her in his life still. I told him that he needed to make the decision right there and then if he was willing to stop all contact with her. He told me he needed to think about it. I explained to him that there was no thinking about things and that it was a yes or no answer that was to be given at that moment. He told me he didn't know so I told him that I will make the decision for him. I have filed for divorce. Thankfully there is no debt accumulation so I am free and clear. We already have a custody order that still stands. I am wiping my hands clean and starting again. Thank you everyone for making me feel like I had the strength to take this very important first step. I will keep you all updated :-)

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 1:18pm
You are so right - "I'll have to think about it" is NOT the right answer.