Is it possible

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Is it possible
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 1:54pm

for depression to hit one year after d-day? My first d-day is January 21, the second being Feb. 1.

At the begining of this year I thought I was doing great. Didn't care, could care less that he didn't call etc. the last couple of days I've felt so down, and sad, as if I am right back to day one. Probably dosen't help that my "friend" is due any day, and he called last night and once again "wants to sit down and talk" all I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry.

I hope its not depression, I've been that road before and I hate the medication. Is it possible its post traumatic stress syndrome?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 2:32pm


In your post I see a lot of things that I think it could be, or a combination of them. With your "friend" almost due to visit... I noticed I was much more emotional around those times and triggered more easily for most of the first year and a half after DDay, and I've heard other posters here mention that too. I might be going along feeling pretty good, then WHAM!

You're coming up on the "anniversary" of your DDays, and that can often be a tough time and huge trigger. Finding yourself thinking back to what was going on a year ago.

The fact that he keeps calling you saying that he wants to "sit down and talk" I think could be contributing as well. Do you find that you tend to feel and sad and depressed whenever he does this? If so, I would suggest you tell him that unless he's calling to make arrangements to actually give you some support money, or to visit with the children, you have nothing to say to him and don't care to listen to him. It seems to me that every time he calls you and says this, it may be like ripping a scab off the wound.

And I also think it's possible that you could be going through a period of depression at this point, and it may not really have much to do with it being a year out from DDay, the time period, etc. When I was separated from my H and began to move forward without him, I did well for a while, then I had about a month where I cried constantly and at the drop of a hat. Now I can look back on that and I realize it was when something had changed inside me, where I think it was like I truly accepting that it was going to be over. I'd been taking steps to move on before that, but somehow I think it hadn't totally sunk in yet that I really was going to be on my own, and maybe part of me hadn't completely "let go" of him yet. Then it's like one day it just hit me that I was really DONE with him, and I had the depression and crying. I think it was like my final step of grieving the loss of the relationship, and the last step towards full acceptance. After that is when I started REALLY and FULLY, MEANING it that I was done and going on without him.

So I do wonder if maybe you've just hit this last stage of grieving. You said just before this you'd been feeling like you couldn't care less about what he was doing, etc, and that leads me to believe that maybe this IS what's going on right now. That you are maybe now FULLY deciding that YOU are done, and to go on without him. Where every part of you is coming to acceptance.

Whatever it is DM, just make sure you take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do feel that you are slipping into depression, please see your doctor about it. There might be different meds you could try to help you through it. I have been through some serious depressions before myself, where now I know I SHOULD have tried some meds. I suffered through it without it, and now I look back on that and think that there was no reason I had to do that, and have vowed if I ever get that depressed again I WILL get some meds to help. I'm not saying rush right to your doctor now if you don't want to or feel you need to, but please keep it in mind if you're still feeling down a couple of weeks from now. That way you could give your "friend" time to visit and leave, and see if you're still feeling down after that. And I do think that PTSD could also be a possibility, so if this doesn't improve in a couple of weeks it probably would be wise to see a doctor about it.

((HUGS)) hon. Know that we're here for you.


Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 2:56pm
Just wanted to add this. I remember our MC telling us that recovering from the A, the BS has symptoms very like PTSD. I second a physician visit to check things out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 3:30pm

Thanks girls,

I know damn well why he wants to "talk" AGAIN because enforcement spoke to him and they sent him the voluntary payment arrangement papers! on it he has to list all his monthly expenses, he has to list her income, provide income tax returns and paystubs, he has no idea how to complete this, I know because he received it years ago for his X wife and it sat in a drawer. So now something has come up that he can't do and needs help getting himself out. I know if it weren't for that he would not have called.

Do the tears ever stop? does the day ever come that I will be able to look at my kids and not feel guilty for the fact they dont' have a dad? It would so much easier if he would have died, and I don't mean that in a terrible way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 1:59am
DM Hi I just wanted to tell you that I had said the exact same thing "it would of been easier if he would of just died"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Fri, 01-09-2009 - 8:18am

I agree with many of the things Valhalla said. I also think you have to be very careful .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 11:21pm

Been there. classic PTSD symptoms are:

1) if you find something "playing" over and over in your head, like the loop at the beginning of a dvd. it can be a thought, the replay of a emotional moment, anything. if you let your mind lose focus on a task and it usually flips back to that thing, then that's classic ptsd.

2) not being able to look at a situation from multiple angles... i.e. you can only see it emotionally. if it's an event that is stuck in your head, can you look at it other ways? can you pretend that it's a movie set and you can move your "camera" to see it in another way? what were you wearing? what else happened that day or the next day? if you are struggling to see other views, then that is also classic ptsd.

if either of these are true, some good counseling will fix it. i highly recommend professional help on this.

but from what you wrote, i don't hear those things. i think another poster here was right... you are in the last stages of grief... like that last freeze before spring that wants to bite the new flowers. soon the sun will come out for real.

Best wishes and warm thoughts to you...