It's been just a little under a week since I found out my new husband cheated I am so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
It's been just a little under a week since I found out my new husband cheated I am so confused
8
Sun, 02-05-2012 - 5:50pm

So as many of you on here understand, I am in a real bad place in my heart, my mind, and my soul. I have been married for a little less than 6 months, prior to getting married we have been together for 5 years and living together for 4. We had a huge elaborate beautiful wedding and a very romantic honeymoon. I am 31 and he is 28, we have done everything right we waited for a while before we decided to get married we were waiting until we were married to have children, we had marriage counseling before we got married. We both wanted this marriage together there was no me pushing him of be honest it was the other way around he was the one who wanted to hurry and get married. Well without getting into the specifics, he left last weekend to go on a trip that he does every year with his brother and a couple friends, its a snowmobiling trip. I was reviewing our phone bill this last Monday to see if we were over our minutes when I discovered he had been making phone calls to someone while he was gone at 2am and then text the next couple days. He was still on his trip when I discovered this so I called him and asked, at first he hesitated then after I told him I would call her and find out the truth he confessed. I did eventually call the number and speak with the other women and she confirmed exactly what my husband had said. The story goes, on Friday he and his brother and their two friends went out this women approached the group of them, they had all been drinking a lot (like that's a good excuse) and when it was time to go my husband had a full beer and the women offered to drive him back so everyone else could leave. Once back at the hotel my husband went to leave her car and she pulled him back in and performed oral sex on him, there was no actual intercourse, again that doesn't make it any better. He did not tell his brother or anyone what had happened and the following two days the guys kept asking him to contact her to meet up with them again. On Sunday evening she did meet up with them again and my husband pulled her to the side and told her he was married and was sorry for what he had done, apparently she said she didn't care and he pushed her away and left. This is confirmed through his telephone records she continued to text

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
It's up to you whether you want to stay with him or not. But it's hard for me to believe (unless she held a gun to his head) that he couldn't get out of the situation unless maybe he was just about passed out. If he could make it up to his room, find the right room and unlock the door, could he have really been THAT drunk? If it were me and I decided to stay, this incident would cause me to permanently put the kabash on any future "boys trips"
For now though, try not to think about it too much and concentrate on studying for your test. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012

Yes I understand it's up to me, that's what I am struggling with. I guess time will just tell if I can stay or if I need to leave. And trust me I do not think he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing, or that he was forced in any way to do what he did, and if he even tried to use that as his reason why I wouldn't be on here asking for advice, I would just leave. I read a lot of stories of long marriages and children involved and affairs that last months. I am deeply sadden by this, and so sorry for anyone whom has to go through that. And this is where my struggle begins, I am not in that situation I have no children I have a long relationship but only a short marriage and my husband had a fling not a long drawn out affair. I have found very little online for help with this type of situation. And am just in need of advice from someone who has been in a similar situation, did you stay or did you go? I have no time frame on when I will decide and my husband understands that I cannot for sure tell him one way or another I just wish I could make a decsion so that I can start to move on in either direction I choose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
6 months into the marriage and he is taking you for granted already, he needs to know he can loose you at the very least, I would see a divorce lawyer to send him a strong message
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Yes, this is a much different type of situation than an actual affair. But it doesn't change the fact that it is a HUGE betrayal either way and you are going to be just about as angry and hurt as if he had an affair with her. You need to give this much more time. It will take a year or more to think about this and decide whether you can heal. Also important is how you know this kind of thing (or worse) won't happen again if you allow any more of these "boys only" trips. Another thing to think about is getting checked for STDS. I say this not to upset you, but because you only know to be true what he told you. Often times in cheating situations we later find out that what actually happened was minimized to sound like less than what really happened (to avoid getting their arse in any deeper hot water, and to protect us from further hurt). On the plus side it's a good thing you found out what he is capable of before you had any kids together. It will make it so much easier to leave if you decide to do so. Have you given any thought to marriage counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
I have just been through a cheating partner myself and I just left last Wednesday. Packed my life up and moved on and left his head spinning. However, my situation was different and he was having ongoing communication with this woman. One thing that I will say is that 'where there is smoke, there is FIRE'. I was lead to believe it was only innocent flirting when i found emails but it turned out they had actually had sex the month before. ANYWAY, my point is that my work colleague a few months ago got the phone call from her boyfriend (who works away) that he had had sex with someone in a drunken state. She decided to stay with him. They have been together for 6 years and own a house together. She will continue to stay with him but 6 months down the track and it still haunts her. She has lost 12kgs andtells me at times she looks at him and just wants to stab him with her fork. HAHA! Its up to you if you decide to stay... but my work colleage has done it and she is trying... but it will never be the same for her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

She's not to blame, he is.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006

Just because someone has options doesn't mean he/she did make a mistake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi le5820,