It's Christmas, and I'm up crying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2011
It's Christmas, and I'm up crying.
3
Sun, 12-25-2011 - 1:47am

So, I posted on here a few months ago about finding out my husband kissed another girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 1:57am
Hello, At least Xmas is over. I really like the holidays but not when I have these issues with my husband. These ridiculous jewelry commercials that run constantly make me want to vomit. For me it was more of an emotional affair than a physical one. It was one of his clients and he would take her to concerts, football games and happy hour etc. She did flirt back but it was mostly one sided. But if she wanted it to be more it would have been. I do believe something went down since the emails that were being exchanged completely changed on her end and the flirting stopped so my guess something physical was tried and she stopped it even though she did not admit to it. She holds a position that requires her to have a moral clause in her union contract so my guess if there was a scandal with a married vendor that her establishment spends thousands of dollars with and she is the one signing the contract it would not go over well for her. What it did do was make my husband finally realize he had a problem. She did explain to me that during the past year and a half she lost over 60 lbs and that is when the flirting began. She told me she liked the attention and always had a weight problem since she was a teenager. But who really knows the truth. What really made my husband realize he had an issue was with my conversation with her. Before that it was always my issue or somebody elses, he never took responsibility, the marriage was a problem, he was lonely, he was emotionally abused by his parents, he was drunk at a concert and flirted more, he grew up in the restaurant business and they always flirted with the customers. He had every excuse in the book but none was ever him being a man and taking responsibility. She told me that she would never be knowingly married to a man that acted that way with other woman and she believed that he has major insecurity issues since he always made reference to how ugly he is and how could anybody want to be with him, just fishing for compliments. It took her words to make him want to go to counseling since he finally believed he looked like the married annoying man that women listen to and then pity their wives when they turn their back. A normal good woman might be attracted to a married man that respects his family and they dream one day of marrying not a slimy worm of a man that acts the way he does. There was another woman I found out about that he meet during a corporate week long training function again flirting emails with inappropriate topics but she was married so I am not sure what really went down since she also has something to lose by admitting anything. But she echoed what the other woman said. Either way he looks like a total idiot along with me since they probably thought they might be the only ones and I embellished a bit about the amount of women I found emails from. That is kind of when I realized that I needed help. My energy was being spent on what happened and can he even resemble the person I thought I married. Counseling made me accept that divorce is not the end of the world and to concentrate on me and if things work out they will and if not life will move forward. Before counseling I felt like I was going crazy he seemed to not have a care in the world and would fall asleep like a baby and I am the one up all night rereading emails and going mad. The final turning point that I was losing control is that I physically grabbed him and pushed him up against the wall by his neck. As soon as I did that I scared myself since I am not a physically violent person, I was losing control of every aspect of my life. I am not even sure where the physical strength came from. Deep down inside I know something physical happened with another woman I just do not have the proof and probably never will. Well enough about me sorry for the long response. Your situation sounds similar to one of my good friends. It took her over 4 yrs to finally be diagnosed with probable MS. Well her husband almost acted like it wasn't a physical problem since not one doctor could pinpoint anything for four years and it took multiple MRI's showing brain lesions to get any diagnosis. Right now they are on the verge of a divorce, they are also in counseling. He told her that he didn't sign up for this and he wasn't expecting to take care of somebody when he got married. Like she chose to be sick. But a few months into counseling he disclosed that he is the man and he is supposed to protect his family and he feels totally helpless so lashes out and takes it out on her even though he understands she is sick his way of coping is to push her away. The therapist explained that this can be a common reaction from men. I wonder if that has anything to do with why is he has made the horrible decisions he has made?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2011
Sun, 12-25-2011 - 4:57pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Sun, 12-25-2011 - 2:19am
I am so sorry for how you feel I can relate a little bit with the lying and betrayal but I can not imagine to have health issues on top of it. I hope the surgery that you are having will be a success. In my situation it all started when I was financially vulnerable and I am wondering how long have you been ill? Is there any correlation with your illness and the infidelity? Unfortunately sometimes people take advantage when they know they can. In my case when I had my daughter I gave up my career for a few years and found it difficult to reenter the workforce. So I am currently earning my second degree and will graduate next May. Since I reentered school I found that amazingly he changed since it is know secret that I will leave him once I graduate if I do not believe he has truly changed. We are both in marital counseling and he is also going to individual counseling. But that being said like you nobody knows the truth I am embarrassed to tell my friends and family. I view it as he has betrayed our vows and our family so it is easier for me to stay until I am stable and then to leave if I need too. I would suggest the same thing to you, since you are sick stay in the marriage until you are healthy or at least until your surgery is complete and you are healed. Do not give him a divorce or separation and leave you by yourself he at least owes you that. I would also get into counseling even if he will not go, it will help you with your anger and resentment. For me even though I am sure people will disagree I have installed a monitoring system on his cell phone and work computer. He is not very computer savvy and like you I caught him in lie after lie about the situation until I spoke to the other women involved so I believe I have most of the truth. I pray that your surgery is a success and I am so sorry for your pain. Sending you hugs take care.