It's me again.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
It's me again.....
10
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 7:23pm

Hi........I'm the one that started a discussion of "What if your gut is wrong...how?"


He keeps telling me none of it is true and I'm having such a hard time!! I told him the other day that I don't ever want to talk about

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 12:15am

you know myradorn, as i sit here thinking - YOU ARE RIGHT. if this site had a contest i am quite sure my husband numero uno, at least in the top 3.

lousy contest to win huh? worst cheating husband - i do not think i would be sharing this win with anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 8:29pm
Oh, now he makes ME mad.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 10:56am

I've been dealing with my husband's lies & EA for almost 1 year now since it began last Sept--I have 3 D-Days (Nov, Apr, July) and after each, I could not let it go despite what my husband was telling me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 12:25am

but i will be fine ----------- YES YOU WILL. why, because you are worth it. you deserve to be happy - you deserve to live in peace and harmony. hell, without it what else do we have?

the other night my husband asked me "do you think your marriage to r was a mistake"? (my first husband) i replied "yes" then he asked do you think your relationship with m was a mistake"? (an nfl football player i lived with for 3 years) again i said "yes". "and our marriage - was it a mistake as well?" again my answer was "yes".

he then went on to share with me his thoughts on this - "when you look at your responses what is the one constant?" "it is you sissy, you are the constant- and therefore isn't it possible that you are/were in fact the problem" hmmmmmmmmm, had to think about that for a bit. then i responded - "yes i made mistakes in marrying too young when i married r - but we realized our mistake and ended it harmoniously without mallous. then when i met m - being young, dumb, and infatuated i fell for his lines - believed in our song by al green "God blessed our love". when i realized the truth about him i left, we were not married - no vows shared. BUT THEN YOU, mr. widower, mr. family man, mr. sincerity, mr. trustworthy, mr. daddy figure (11 years older than i). you were a farce - you sold me a bill of goods. laid out this future, helped me to build dreams of what our family life would be like WHILE ALL THE WHILE YOU HAD NO, ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTIONS OF HONORING YOUR VOWS - too bad the one person you should have told you did not ME."

we have been married close to 34 years, a long time, a very long time. i have spent the majority of my life with him. and now i have been forced to see the light - i had been living a lie.

so, i guess what all of this breaks down to is this. live life to its fullest. be grateful for who and what you are. but always, always be mindful. the gut rarely lies, always trust your gut m, always. it is as if God gave we women this certain ability 'to know, to just know'.

if you love your husband and want to give it a try - then go for it. BUT, be mindful. be mindful that you have no control over him or his actions, only your own. and so that is why i will challenge you again to pull that hair back out of your eyes, put on a smile (EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO FAKE IT), and go find that mirror and tell m that you love her. she needs to hear it, she needs to know it, she needs to feel it, but most of all m she needs proof of it - it all starts with that first look in the mirror - that first promise - that first step of m loving m and taking care of m.

NOW, how long is it going to take?????????????????????????? are you up yet, walking towards the mirror???????????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 11:54am
I went back and read your other post again.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 9:34am

Hi m-to-go!

It doesn't matter what age you are you do not need to put up with being treated poorly! I have a dear friend who recently was divorced at 61 after many years of marriage and she is doing fabulously! I am 50 and starting over from scratch and so happy! Like you said you are successful and independent you will be more than fine--you will thrive! If your H wants to build a healthy, honest wonderful relationship with you fabulous!, if he isn't willing to do so you can create a wonderful future for yourself.

IMHO we sometimes stay in unhealthy relationships, marriages or places because we are afraid of the unknown. At least, if we stay, we know the poo we are dealing with, right? It's a trap, we continue reliving the pain of the betrayal and do not grow and realize our true worth or potential and we block honest relationships from coming into our lives. I think the same is true if we stay and rebuild--something has got to change for it to be better and healthy! The WS has to have empathy, remorse and want to rebuild with every ounce of their being or it isn't going to change or be healthy.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you continue to take care of yourself, ultimately you ARE your own best friend.

take care, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 8:57am

Oh my gosh you are too awesome!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! And to all of you!!!! Last night I thought to myself I wanted to say I LOVE YOU

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:58pm

if i had a dollar for every man who told his wife - no, it is in your head, you are imagining things, you are crazy, you must be doing it or why else would you accuse me, you are watching too much tv, yadda yadda yadda I WOULD BE LIVING IN THE BAHAMAS.

very very few men EVER admit it until and unless they are confronted with HARD evidence. when i first suspected and went thru all of the above comments I DID BEGIN TO THINK I WAS CRAZY. i was questioning 'what is wrong with me'? then when he left his phone in my car and i intercepted a call from her and phoned her after initially denying even proof he relented and went into the "i am sorry, i am ashamed, fake tears mode".

m: you need to make a decision because if you do not you are going to drive yourself absolutely crazy. the constant mind chatter, the pictures in your head, the triggers will soon begin to take over your very existence and you will find yourself so far down this tunnel you will begin to think there is no way out.

have you ever heard of the 180* list on this thread - please look it up. you have to decide are you going to allow yourself to be held hostage to this or are you going to find a way, any way to begin to live for YOU again.

i apologize for what i am about to type, but it is one of those days and yours is one of those posts that has truly affected me. TO HELL WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not about him, it is about you, you are what is important to you, you are all you have to depend on, and you must come to grips with this fact. you need to love you, value you, like you - it is ALL ABOUT YOU. YOU MUST, MUST, MUST find a way to take care of you.

going over it again and again gets you no where - take it from a veteran of betrayal. you will, and you may be becoming already, a prisoner to this situation. it will almost feel as though you are locked in a cell, with no outlets, no contacts, staring at the walls. is that any way to live m? no, my dear one it is NOT. life is meant to be lived, it is meant to be enjoyed - you are NOT suppose to dread waking up each day with a heavy heart.

m, i am 60 years old; i tell you this because you commented on your age. if ONLY i could go back to 40 ish - oh, my goodness would i do things differently. i would NOT look at my age as a detriment, YOU ARE NOT OLD M - YOU ARE NOT OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i woke up on my 60th birthday and this mantra came into my mind unsolicited

i woke up today and found that i am now 60
as i lay here i wonder what happened to 30, 40, and 50

THINK ABOUT THIS-----------------------

what are you doing for you? how about a new hair do? how about starting to walk - in the park, at the beach, around the block - get those muscles working again. you need to release some of that pent up frustration. how about joining a gym, what about yoga?

flush out that system - i drink 6-7 bottles of green tea a day. i simply put a green tea tea bag in each bottle then place them in the frig over night. it gets rid of the gook, if you squeeze lemon into bottle the lemon will speed up your metabolism help with the energy levels.

find something, anything to preoccupy your mind. another trick i use is this - when i find myself overwhelmed i simply take a breath and say "let go and let God" - and it does help. now i am not a religious person but am spiritual. i bought a book called 'your best life now' by joel osteen - and wow, what a message. it is a book that focuses on you, how to bring back a feeling of confidence within you. it is NOT full of religion but is full of positive messages that help. each and every day i read a few pages just to get my day going on a positive mode. please take the time to check it out - it will help.

and now the most important message i can share with you is this. you have given you all to this man, he was your world - it is a new day, a new dawn - you need to focus on loving you as i mentioned above. you need to know that you are special - from your little toe to the top of your 40 ish head. ha ha when you finish reading this you need to get up and go find a mirror - the biggest one in the hous - look at the beautiful woman (and she is beautiful) looking back at you - tell her "I LOVE YOU - AND I PROMISE FROM THIS DAY FORWARD TO PROTECT YOU AND NURTURE YOU".. and that you must do.

our minds are a very powerful entity - and often times when we find ourselves in this role of betrayed spouse we MUST do everything within our power to change that role. no longer make him the center of our world, but make us the center of our world.

please m, please, consider all that i have written. you are SO worth it, believe that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:38am
Thanks for your reply. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is just talk it out. But, I do need counseling to put me in a better spot for myself! My day gets so busy that sometimes I don't take the time to make that phone call for help. I want to do it for myself. I hate to say it but, I don't want my husband to go. I feel bad about feeling like that. He is trying so hard. And it is working but, I still have a feeling that he cheated. I think I have gone above and beyond what a wife could handle. I don't know if I'll ever find out the truth. I just need to work on me. Thank you for telling me that it can be OK to get a divorce. It won't be soon
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 8:59pm

FORGET WHAT HE WANTS- what about you?


My parents divorced and guess what? We survived! Infact, my