I thought we were making progress on rebuilding.
"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop." Herb Stein
I'm usually a lurker but felt that I needed to answer your question. I don't think it's worth it to email him at all, and as much as you want it will only make you look like the fool in the end. Trust me on this one I know what I am talking about. You can tell him to stop talking to your wife and even threaten to tell his family and co workers but ultimately it's your wife's choice to talk to him, and sad to say she made her choice (sorry if that was harsh). I know it's hard not to harm him in some fashion just as he hurt you, but it just makes you look desperate and
Amazing how they think they will deceive us a second time! like you said, we just teach them to lie better... but it all comes out anyway because they give themselves away by their actions & their interactions or lack of interactions with us.
I contacted the OW, she is not a good natured person so all she did was harrass me & make herself look like the lowclass person that she is. She told me all the LIES my H told her about me, he told her all these incredible lies to make himself look good, so that she would sympathize with him & for her to "see" why he wanted to be with HER. If he had told her the truth about ME, he would look like a heartless jerk, that was having an affair out of shear selfishness, which is what is the reality of that situation. I confronted him with all the lies he told her about me & of course he denied. You dont know what your wife has told this man about you. The cheaters will always try to justify to their affair partners why they are cheating. Knowing these lies will make you look at your partner in disgust. Why cant they just tell the truth, tell them that they are having an affair because they want to, instead of blaming it on US? We did not force them into another person's bed! They CHOSE to do it.
Think about how you would feel if this man told you things about your wife that you did not know, or lies that your wife has told him.
Look, people are going to tell you not to have contact with the other man because it's dangerous. I spoke to all of my wife's other men and let them know I was aware and on to them and to go away. I did this without permission from my spouse and overall I thought it went ok. I also insisted that one of the men bring in his spouse on the deal. I don't know how that is going for them but who gives a flying .... ?
You do what you feel comfortable with and what makes sense to you. I'm sure you have been introduced to the 180 list. If not:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008
ThomasWe have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.
It is time to follow through on any consequences you gave her for continued contact. See a lawyer first thing and make a plan. Let her know what you are doing and why. If your lawyer says that moving out won't hurt you legally, do so for at least a month.
As are often like a drug addiction and most drug addicts fall off the wagon She will probably beg and plead for you to give her another chance. So take some time to decide what you need from her in order to give her a second chance. For instance, either the computer and all equipment that helped her with her A is destroyed, or she gives you complete access to her computer, or you get rid of internet access at home. Her seeing a therapist alone and M counseling is also a good idea. Make her make her put in a heck of a lot of effort before you move back. At this point, she has to show you why you should remain M to her.
I am not the person who will tell you not to contact the OM. Think about what you might accomplish and know that he probably won't hear anything you say. Write and rewrite anything you send. If he cared how you felt, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. I do recommend sending all evidence you have to his W. She deserves to know the truth.
Thanks, in fact I was reading my 180 list just before discovering you had posted.
I don't have a ton of experience in this arena and only recently found this board. But still...
I wanted to say that I don't think you should blame yourself. You didn't MAKE her a better liar or better at hiding things. SHE is in the wrong. She is not committing to the rebuilding and she is not being honest.
I would reconsider writing to him. Maybe it's a good idea to write it up and hide it for a week. If you still feel like sending it/emailing it then you can revisit the idea then. But put a lot of thought into it. And promise yourself that you wont send it for a week. That'll give you time to decide if it's really in your best interests.
I can see why people would say, "Don't send it!" and I could also see why others would tell you to go for it. I wrote a letter to OW and ended up feeling a little better afterwards- even though I just ended up throwing it away. I can always rewrite it and send it at a later date. But I can't unsend it if I change my mind later on.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted. You've got a lot of support here.