It's such a mess... should i trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2011
It's such a mess... should i trust him?
1
Wed, 08-31-2011 - 4:17pm

Here is my dilemna. When my husband was about 18 he began a relationship with this girl. His family did not approve but they loved him and let him make his own decisions. However it soon became clear to them that she was a bad influence in his life when he started acting differently. They tried to talk to him but he became angry, left the house and moved in with her and her parents. He did not have contact with his family during this time whil he lived with her. Both of her parents were addicted to drugs and he ended up taking fiscal responsibility for the household while he lived there. According to him during this time she was emotionally abusive to him always making him like he was worthless and that all their problems were his fault. After a period of time they broke up and he got a job elsewhere so he left the state. Months later she called him crying telling him that she was pregnant and that he was the father and that she wanted him to give her money. He talked to family and friends and they told him that it was probably not his as she had been with other guys since he had left. He told her that he would provide support if she got a paternity test and it was his child. She had a fit and then contacted his parents threatening them for money which did not pan out for her. About a year and a half later his mother saw a picture of his ex and the child posted on facebook she contacted my husband and told him the child looked like him. He contacted his ex and began to provide support to her and actually began somewhat of a relationship again. During this time she constantly made him feel guilty for bailing on his responsibilities to her and the child and continued to emotionally abuse him. It eventually came to a head and he asked again for her to take a paternity test which she eventually consented too. It turned out the child was NOT his and she admitted that she had known it wasnt his. So after years of emotional abuse he meets me and we begin our relationship. We have had a great relationship until i recieved a phone call from his ex stating that he had been contacted her on and off our entire relationship before we got married. She sent me the emails and wow were they hurtful. He said that he still loved her and will always be there for her. There was nothing sexual in the emails and never had they had physical contact during this time. We had a long talk about the emails and he said that he did not mean what he said to her and he said he knew when he began dating me that he was still feeling guilt over the relationship and that he could not get over it. At the end of the emails she asks him a huge sum of money which is when he said that it finally clicked in his brain that she was in the wrong and he said he feels like he has closure and will never again attempt contact Up until this point i never had reason to not trust my husband. He is no way a flirty guy and is very much shy and keeps to himself. Since her he had no other serious girlfriends so the player label definently did not fit with him. I would never ever have seen this coming from him. Now to be fair I know for a fact that he has not had any contact since she asked him for the money. Now here is the question... Should i trust him when he says its over and that he has closure thus no longer having a need to contact her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 09-01-2011 - 8:10pm
Lil bit- what I get from reading your post is this: your husband has good solid boundaries when it comes to other women, however, when it comes to HER, he is weak. He was easily manipulated by her on more than one occasion. He also must feel some sense of loyalty or responsibility towards her as he has jumped to rescue her more than once. I think you have every right to be wary, our intuition is in place for a very good reason and that is to protect us. That woman sounds like a real winner. Who uses a child as a means to extrapolate money from a guy who is not the father? I bet she is like a tornado with dirt, drama and turmoil all around her. is she an immediate threat to you? Probably not, but your husband still feels a pull towards her when she is near. These are your choices as I see it: you ditch him now or you give him the ultimatum that any contact with this dirt ball is a deal breaker or you do absolutely nothing or you could tell him again how uncomfortable the situation is for you and that you are worried and it is challenging your trust in him. Hopefully that outcome will be he agrees to be an open book, he tells you if she ever contacts him again, he gives you the assurances you need to feel more secure. Take care.