I've got a good one for ya'

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
I've got a good one for ya'
4
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 1:56am

A month ago my son has a manic episode....Out of the blue...We didn't even know he was bipolar so I had to be the one to sign him into the hospital because hubby of 20 years wasn't strong enough to do it. I get the blame from the 17 year old and life has been hell.The meds haven't worked and it's killing me to see what our popular outgoing senior has become. Ohhhh for the good part...My husband works for the prison system and so do I..I'm higher up in rank than he is...He get's asked to come to the prison to be "interviewed" and I'm the last dumb @%% to know that he has been texting,calling,and online with an offender that just got released a couple of month's ago. He'll probably lose his job and I have no respect for him. I can't eat or sleep...and he tells me he need's me to be strong for him because he's sorry!!!!!!!!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 7:33am

Hi mom4-

<>

This is HIGHLY manipulative behavior on his part. It would be even if he said this only to you in private, but to do it in front of the kids... he's using them too in order to try to manipulate you, and that is very unhealthy for the children to hear that too. My suggestion on this one would be, next time he says this try saying to him, "If you are having suicidal thoughts then maybe you should get some professional help" (and try to be calm and cool without showing any emotion when you say it). If it's an idle threat and pure manipulation then I have a feeling you won't hear that one again once it doesn't WORK for him anymore. When he doesn't get anything out of threatening it. If he IS truly suicidal, then he DOES need some help, and he is the only one that can give that to himself. He can only help himself... no one else can do it for him. He needs to be responsible for himself instead of trying to make his issues YOUR job. Saying that HE would need to do something about it places the responsibility squarely upon HIS shoulders- where it SHOULD be.

Same with him asking you to be "strong for him"... you only need to be strong for yourself and your children. And that means investing that energy into things that improve YOUR own situation, and your children's situation. You don't "owe" him ANYTHING.

<>

Even if you were to ask/tell him to leave, you wouldn't be "making him". He would have brought all of this upon HIMSELF. Don't take on any responsibility or blame for the results of HIS actions.

I understand your concerns for your son and wanting to wait a bit until that situation has been addressed somewhat first. But just my opinion here, I think it's very likely that you will need to take a firm stand with your H that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated, and I think a clear message needs to be sent to him that he is responsible for HIMSELF and the course of his own life. That his own choices and actions are what has led him to this place, and it will be his own choices and actions from here out that will determine what happens from here. HE has made a mess, and HE needs to clean it up.

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Just take care of and look out for yourself and your kids, and don't take on any of his mess. Let him deal with that himself. That will not only lighten your load, but it also might change your H's patterns a bit, of trying to saddle you with things that are not YOUR job. I think the quickest way they learn to take personal responsibility for themselves is by having to actually DO it.

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 3:26am

Thank u both for the words of encoragement. I feel so isolated as my family doesn't live here. It makes it hard that at this time it would hurt my kids if I made their dad leave. Also, I have to go to work and face all of his mess.It's enough to make me not want to get up but I am going to stay strong for my family. My daughter is livid with rage and wants me to leave him. He keeps saying things in front of my kids like "If you don't want me then just kill me because I can't live w/o you" I told him to not put me in that position over a choice he made. I feel when my son gets more stable that we will get a divorce because I can't trust him and now I really don't respect him, either. This site is really good for venting and I appreciate this.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 1:53pm

BE STRONG FOR HIM?????????

the only persons you need to be strong for is yourself and your son.

he is a grown man, who got himself into this situation and now will have to suffer the consequences.

sorry is as sorry does.

he was willing to jeopardize his family for an offender. what about you, about his son???? is he so stupid that he did not realize what would happen if it ever came to light. obviously he was not using the head that holds the brain, but rather using the head that destroys so many lives.

i am so sorry for your pain. you have a great deal on your plate and i know it is not easy.

my prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 11:28am

Im a so sorry for all you are going through at this time. I know how it feels to have the *weight on your shoulders* with no outside support.


1st-you did the best thing for your son- he may be upset at you ut in the long run he will understand - he needed the help and you were the one to get it for him Just think had you ignored it how much damage could be done later in his life -- when it would be too late to save him (((((hugs)))))) to you.


2nd-cheating as hard enough on us I can't began to say I understand how you feel but i DO understand the hurt