Just found out 2nd time...Why did I stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Just found out 2nd time...Why did I stay?
11
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 11:55pm

It's been 10 years since the D-Day and when I first came to this board. I haven't discovered anything since then. This week

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 2:50am
Got that right sissy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 8:55pm
I feel your pain and am sorry for what you have been through. I believe what you said about they never change. It's in their blood. It's up to us to make the change. Why do you think you stayed? I know I am fearful. Period. I am afraid to be alone. If I had a big family support system, I know I would be gone in seconds. Is the sex hard for you? I struggle with that and have become such a detached actress. My husband has always been a one hit wonder in that area and never bonded emotionally during sex. A red flag that I ignored when we met. I thought this would improve but...it never did. This board saved me emotionally the first time. It was structed much differently and we all became so close. We rode the storm together. Thanks to people like you, I know I'm in good hands again. Thanks for sharing your story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 8:34pm

My illness can flare up at any time and it's a whole lot easier when he's around. Financially it would be very very hard. I work and could

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 8:25pm

we stay for a variety of reasons.

i too stayed, stayed when i found out about his 17 year old illegitimate daughter that he fatherered 3 years into our marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 8:19pm

You are so on target. I feel like my webcam is on. (smile)

I can't say that I am devastated or hurt, as much as I am annoyed at myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 7:18pm

I appreciate all responses. You have such courage to leave and I wish you the best. I have never been a checker of e-mails, wallets, etc...Maybe if I did, I would have left by now. Love your analogies about the speeding ticket.

This makes no sense but, I wonder if I'm so emotionally disconnected that I'm not as much hurt as I am annoyed ay myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 2:45am

I am finally divorcing after finding out for the fourth time!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 11:49pm

You have more figured out than you think, I've been posting here quite awhile.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2011
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 7:58pm

Your response was just what I needed to hear.You are right. E-mails into phone calls is a red flag and only lead to the next step. I have allowed myself to sit in depression and surround myself in fear for too long.Yes, fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 5:04pm
He's hiding things, and that's baaaaaad. That he's planning to call her is a huge red flag, he's taking it up a notch from "just" e-mailing, and in my mind e-mailing is incriminating enough, as most of us will tell you, that takes the innocent part of it out of the picture, at least to me it has - no matter WHAT they are discussing - I hear he's attracted here and he's saying things that are totally inappropriate, so you have big cause for concern. It doesn't MATTER what culture he comes from, he's with YOU, he's MARRIED TO YOU, and outside relationships are a no no, and you have to be on the same page about cheating. Saying crap like that to you is such a stupid excuse, it's pure manipulation. Oh, to learn this is going on behind your back while in counseling - been there, it stings much, much worse if you are supposed to be working on improving your relationship. His remark about "falling in love" to ME is a huge, huge tip-off - this is a hurricane in the making when the dialog goes in that direction, it's moving things along - he HAS to be anticipating a response to that one! I don't hear him "flirting", I hear a flat out come-on. When I saw a shrink a few months ago and he heard the short story of the details of my life/marriage, he flat out told me "I bet you've been living with an incredible amount of fear most of your life" (mother's and husband's influences, most of all), and I burst into tears because he'd nailed it so quickly. Fear contains so much anxiety and for me brings out so much anger, you do not fully function with fear constantly in your head. If you aren't making a move, you likely just are not equipped to do anything at this point. Also, if their bad behavior is an ongoing thing, it drives you nuts and makes you wonder if you can ever recover or forgive, and you're right, some of us will NOT, I'm scared myself I'm one of them. I like your name, peace is so sorely missing from my life and has been since I was a teenager, I CRAVE IT now, that and safety. See a therapist on your own, if necessary, I actually think it's wise to go alone first, and let him know what you're doing - two wrongs do not make a right, and I think he needs to know this troubles you enough that you are going for help.

 

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