Just found out

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2013
Just found out
10
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 6:41pm

I just found oit my husband had a fling last fall about 2 months. Ha is an alcoholic and she was a bartender at a bar. She has criminal records, etc - nothing Like me.   He is very remorseful and says he feels he was "insane" at that time period. Was drinking 4-5 nights a week. He has since gone to rehab and come clean to me - because the flings friend sent me a message on Facebook. He says he regrets this and she never meant anything to him. That she could've been anybody - it was about him feeling sorry for himself and being influenced by Alcohol. We have been together 20 years and have two children. He wants to work it out - go to marriage counseling- says he will do whatever it takes. I just feel so betrayed. Is there life after an infidelity?? Can a marriage survive?? How do I start getting over this and move forward?? Thanks all. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 11:44pm

 You make a decision to move on.  We are human beings.  For a person with a problem with alcohol they need to hit bottom to move on and get past it.  Forgive and forget.  For me it was not a problem as I never bought into the myths.  Although there was some mental  adjustment it took me 8 hours to work thru the emotional.  From then on my head has been on straight.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 1:43am

He doesn't get to use alcohol as his excuse for cheating - he cheated because he found someone willing to cheat with him and he did what he wanted to do, there's always the last minute to say nope, not doing this.  Some of us agonize and analyze this crap to death for years, others seem to move forward much more easily, and who knows what the difference is???  Doesn't so much matter who she was, what matters is him learning how to fix what he broke, it's his job, yours is to let him try and in the meantime work on whether or not you still want to be with him.  Some of us can't forgive, some of us settle for less than we truly deserve, some of us move forward, since we're one of a kind, it's not exactly the same for any two of us.  You're in the place so many folks are when they show up here, and the common response is to seek counseling.  If for no other reason than to get professional feedback so you can put it all into perspective and make the decision you need to make.  You've joined a club no one wants to join, but you could have some of those "aha" moments in the responses you get here.  He does need to understand what demon he was dealing with that allowed him to think he was entitled to cheat, and then WORK ON IT.  I think if they're willing to do that, the spouse can start to feel differently. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 7:25pm
What myth are you talking about? Haven't you stated before that you've had several affairs?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 2:21am

I disagree with the poster who said that one can't use alcohol as an "excuse" for an affair.  I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I know for a fact that sometimes people do things under the effects of alcohol that they would never dream of doing if sober.  I'm not saying that they therefore aren't responsible for their actions.  They DO have a choice....to drink or not to drink.  But if your husband is like most of the other alcoholics walking around, once he does drink, the booze makes his choices for him.  Therefore, his real problem is not whether he's a loyal or faithful husband, but what happens to him when he drinks.  Hopefully, his efforts at rehab and staying sober will right the path he's been walking on and your relationship will survive and thrive.  I hope so!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 1:03pm

I have all the sympathy in the world toward anybody with any addiction, and my father was an alcoholic.  I agree when people get drunk they likely do things they might not do if they were sober, but they don't all choose an affair to feel better.  I just think it's time for everyone to accept the responsibility for choosing to have an affair, there's really no acceptable excuse.  It's still a choice and we've heard every excuse in the book on these boards.  The wise choice is to get help for whatever the addiction is or for whatever demons possess the person who opts for an affair.  In a perfect world, we'd all make better decisions.  I wish the guy luck, too. 

 

Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 4:56pm

Yes, of course, there is life after infidelity, and a marriage can survive. I think going to therapy together will help you both. Is he in AA or something now? He probably should be getting help for the drinking on his own, too. I've been to AlAnon, and that might be helpful for you, too.

In no way am I trying to justify his choices, but I do believe that, if like I assume, he only had this one fling and that it didn't involve an emotional connection or other building of a relationship, the chances that you both can work on your marriage are better than they would be for a couple where the cheater had an ongoing affair and felt some sense of love for the other person.

I personally would encourage you to try to work it out rather than throw in the towel, but his actions are what you need to really review to rebuild your trust in him. I tend to think that preserving the family would be best for your children, too, but not if the infidelity or alcohol abuse continues.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2013
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 9:44pm

until I saw the check that said $9549, I have faith ...that...my sister could truley bringing in money in there spare time from there pretty old laptop.. there sisters roommate has done this for under 7 months and resently paid for the loans on their home and bought a brand new Mazda. we looked here, fab22.comCHECK IT OUT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2013
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 9:44pm

until I saw the check that said $9549, I have faith ...that...my sister could truley bringing in money in there spare time from there pretty old laptop.. there sisters roommate has done this for under 7 months and resently paid for the loans on their home and bought a brand new Mazda. we looked here, fab22.comCHECK IT OUT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 05-16-2013 - 12:24am

Very cool response.  Like your approach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 05-16-2013 - 12:31am
Im sorry. I was referring to XXXS. My thought it is that some of us hit a very rough period in our lives and turn to things that distract us from our pain. Hopefully we can find the path back home and be forgiven.