Just found out about affair, OW pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
Just found out about affair, OW pregnant
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:22pm
Help me. My husband has been cheating on us for 6 months...ever since our baby was 3 months old. It's with a coworker. I just found out on Super Bowl Sunday. He says she's pregnant and it's probably his. He says he ended in Monday after I asked him to. We went to marriage counseling on Tuesday and counselor told him to stop all communication with her for 7 days (til our next session). I'm going crazy about all of this...the lies...the incredible bold faced lies and deception. He told her he loved her . He lied to me about going on a hiking weekend and a hunting weekend...he was really with her. He told me he was going to the gym every morning at 430...then he'd go to work...then to school...then he'd get mad at me when I complained that he was hardly around. I don't know what to do. I hate him...but I don't want my children to suffer through a divorce...I'm so torn. I want to leave but I can't because of my kids. We have no family here, so leaving would be taking my son out of school and moving me and the 2 kids into one bedroom at my mom and stepdad's house (and I hate my stepfather). I'm at a loss...I'm enraged, hurt, disgusted, just every bad feeling imaginable. I can't stop thinking about it...all the lies...the sex...I just never thought he'd do something like this. I mean I know it's possible that any man would do this, but the level of lying just boggles my mind...the complete disregard for my safety by not using protection because she had an IUD and now she claims she's pregnant. Texting her right in front of me. Missing out on valuable time with his kids for sex. Not helping me while I had post partum depression and going to sleep with her. Making me getup in the middle of the night with baby because he had such longs days ahead of him while I was completely exhausted and miserable...I'm just sick...I just don't know where to turn and I can't stop crying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 7:58pm

Sorry to hear about your situation. I had something very similar happen. My STBX cheated with a coworker while I was 8 mths pregnant and didn't "confess" until the baby was 7 mths (plus I have a DS, who was 2.5 yrs old at the time). I understand all your hate, disgust especially when it comes to all the care you put in to the baby thinking you are helping them get "some rest". I did the same thing plus my baby was hospitalized 3x and he still kept the A going.

You for starts need to get tested for STDs and so does your H. Second, when the baby is born you need to demand a DNA test to confirm your H is the father. Are you going to IC? You may want to do that to help deal with your raw emotions. You will probably go through the stages of grief like most of us have (shock, denial, anger, etc..) It is completely normal. Please just know that you did nothing wrong. He is 100% to blame. You also should think if you really want to stay in the marriage. This is not something you need to decide today but something you want to think through. Staying for the kids isn't always the best option because you will be unhappy (if that's the reason for staying) and the kids will sense that. If it helps, you can speak to an attorney (usually a consultation is free) and you can know your rights and what you would receive in case of a divorce. It may also make you feel better to know your rights anyway. If you are on the fence about staying, maybe plan for an exit plan such as copying important documents and stashing some cash so you will have something extra.

As for your H, he needs NC with the OW for good. When the baby comes, he can get the DNA test and go from there. He needs to be an open book which means you get to look at his emails, BB, cell records etc... If he wants to gain your trust back, he needs to allow you access to everything. He probably won't like it but too bad. Cheaters have a great way of manipulating the situation. If you read some of the posts on the messageboard, almost all BS have the same emotions/reactions and almost all the cheaters have the same comments/reactions to the BS emotions. It is mind blowing.

Remember to take care of yourself first so your kids have someone there for them. It will also make you feel better even when you don't. Again, I am so sorry for your pain.