Just found out ... again

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Just found out ... again
13
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 6:57pm

I've never been here before but boy could I use some support and/or words of wisdom right now.


I'll try to give you the condensed version, ending with the new development I found out about yesterday. I appreciate anyone who has the patience to read this through and comment on it.


Last year I found out my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. It killed me, but I was willing to work things out with one condition: he start wearing his wedding ring (he hadn't worn it in years with the excuse that it was a 'chick magnet' when he was at bars and he couldn't wear it at work. Of course I now know it was simply a way to get out of wearing it).


Needless to say, I was crushed beyond belief.


He was sorry, cried, regretted it terribly, knew he messed up, etc, etc, we actually had a good talk about it but he was still confused and wasn’t willing to wear his wedding right just yet. I wanted to work things out but in his "state of confusion" and because he wasn’t willing to wear his ring, we agreed that he should move out until he got his head on straight and figured out what he wanted.


He told me that he ended it immediately with this girl and she acted a little "psycho", he has no respect for her at all, can’t stand the sight of her, thank goodness she works in a different dept at work, blah blah blah. I believed him, he was sincerely remorseful and sincere.


So. Come to find out during their affair she had offered him a room to rent if he wanted to leave me but he didn’t take her up on it. Well, now that he was moving out and had nowhere to go, he decided to take her up on her offer to rent her spare room just because it was the cheapest place he could find and I wanted him out right away.


He moved into her spare room, assuring me that he would be home whenever I needed him (for myself or the kids), promising there was nothing going on between the two of them, he can’t stand the sight of her because she’s a constant reminder of what he did, he’s only there for a cheap place to stay, etc.


He came home every weekend and a couple days during the week whenever I needed his help with the kids (mostly running them to appts). He’d even call during the week just to ‘hear my voice". Every weekend he’d tell me how much he respected me and how much I meant to him, etc.


Weekends were great - he seemed to really appreciate us more and we got along fantastic.


Every once in a while I’d ask how his relationship with her was going and it was always the same: he hardly even sees her because she works two jobs, he hates it there, he goes out of his way to avoid her when they’re home together, staying in his room, etc.


After a couple months of living there he wanted to come back home but I said no because he was still not ready to wear his wedding ring. That was my only condition of him coming home (well that, and not cheating anymore!).


Last weekend was fabulous, he was so affectionate and finally told me that he’d wear his ring if I let him back home, he’s sorry he screwed up and knows exactly what he wants now (me), and even wants to renew our vows.



So ... yesterday I got my cell phone bill in the mail (his phone is on my plan) and I usually never look twice at it but just happened to notice that he used almost twice as many minutes as I did, and as far as I knew he hardly ever uses his cell phone.


I went online to see the calls in detail and GUESS WHAT ... in May he called HER cell phone number 109 times ... June he called her 69 times ... and the first week of July (this past week) he called her 13 times! 2/3 of the calls were less than two minutes but all the rest were anywhere from 15 - 45 minutes. Kinda weird since he can’t stand her, isn’t having a relationship with her, and has been assuring me there’s nothing going on, don’t you think?


I called him at work to ask him about this and he said he’s been so mixed up that he just needed someone to talk to. HUH??????


I dug one step further and he finally admitted that he slept with her while living there.


I told him I wanted a divorce.


He’s beside himself, crying and begging me to work things out but says he understands since it was 100% his fault and he doesn’t deserve to even be here.


He told me that being there with her for the past several months helped him to realize that he really IS ready to recommit to me and our marriage and he already had his car packed to come home and start wearing his ring (he did have his car packed). I believe him BUT it doesn’t change the fact that HE HAD BEEN LYING TO ME ALL ALONG!


He PROMISED me there was nothing going on between them when he was there, and I find out there was, how can I ever trust him again after that? How can I ever let him out of my sight without wondering who he’s calling or seeing?


What do I do? Am I dreaming to think this can be worked through or should I go through with kicking him out? He’s now, finally, ready to wear his ring, that’s huge for him.


Could it be that I’m making a mistake by kicking him out when actually he’s ready to devote himself to his family once again? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? How can I ever believe him again?

PS. If it makes any kind of difference at all - we've been together 21 yrs, married for 15 with 3 kids (10, 14, 16).

Katy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 9:32pm

Well, we all make horrible terrible mistakes. My husband did. It took a while for him to come out of the fog but when he did he was completely and totally committed to me and is now and has been for years. (He ended it 4 years ago, I found out when she came back wanting him last year. When he said no she harassed us both for weeks, she was so angry she couldn't get him back. )


I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2009
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 9:48pm

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this.


Your husband cheated on you, you asked him to move out, and he moved in with his MISTRESS while you continued to 'work' on your marriage? And he refused to wear his wedding ring? And you didn't file for divorce immediately?! He was having his cake and eating it too! DUH!


How naive are you? OF COURSE he was still sleeping with her, he probably still is. He didn't wear his wedding ring because it was a 'chick magnet'? How about telling a woman you're married, in love with your wife, and not interested? I don't know a better repellent than that, your husband obviously didn't care though.


I mean honestly, what woman with an ounce of self esteem would put up with that crap? You actually believed that he was living with his mistress and not still screwing her?


Your husband is a douche, file for divorce. Otherwise you're just going to be sticking your head in the sand even further. Also, get yourself tested for STD's.


Find yourself a man who really loves and cares about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 5:41am

Thank you so much for responding, it means a lot from someone who has been through it and worked it out.


As you can imagine, I'm so beyond angry right now.


He's the one who brought up counseling, so maybe it'll go that route, who knows.


Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 5:50am

Well now don't beat around the bush, say what you really feel.

Yes, it turned into a strange situation when he started renting her spare room.   I guess you'd have to know my husband, he's not your typical run of the mill scumbag, kwim?  He's actually a good guy who messed up big time.  He's been a tortured soul for a while now.

Was I naive, yeah I guess I was.  Has he been playing me, it certainly seems that way but I just don't think it was as intentional as it appears here in writing.

Do I want to end my marriage, not sure, but right now I don't see any way around it and really don't know what to do.

I value the input from those of you who have gone through it or are going through it, and need the 'outside' views looking in.  What makes it hard is that you don't know us personally, only what I'm writing here.

Thanks for your input.

ETA: Not in his defense, but he really was actively looking for another place to live. Each weekend he was here he'd pour over apt listings and check online. He was worried about being able to afford a place and still help us out like he has been (he'd give me his last dime if I asked for it, seriously) 




Edited 7/10/2009 6:04 am ET by nykatyrose

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2009
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 11:27am

I'm sorry for all you've endured.


You and only you can say at this point what you should do .... what you want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 2:21pm

Your H has a lot to prove before I'd take him back again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 5:02pm

Thanks so much. I've been checking out that website all day whenever I've had a minute. It gives me hope, but then I go right back to being so MAD I can't stand it. I'm so angry I just can't put it into words, as I'm sure everyone here can relate. All day long I've been screaming and swearing at H in my mind, over and over again the things I'd like to be saying to him. I just CAN NOT BELIEVE he's been lying to me still, all this time.

What makes it so much harder is he really IS ready to come back and make it work ... then I have to go and find out about him still seeing her. It stinks. Honestly, I was probably better off not knowing.

Do I really want to lose him altogether? If not, can I "get over" this enough to carry on a loving relationship with him?

Right now I'm so filled with anger I can't think straight.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 7:48pm

<>


Let me be blunt, he really IS NOT ready to come back and make it work if he is still in any contact with the OW, period. There can be NO successful rebuilding until there is no contact with the OW, absolutely none. All he will be doing is placating you so he can continue to have you both.


If he was sincere about not seeing her when he moved out, he could have lived in his car, ANYTHING, but moving into her “spare room”. Conversely, by accepting his living with her and coming home to play happy family with you and the kids when it suited him, you simply enabled him to continue to have you both.


<>
If you think not knowing of his continued lies and contact would solve anything, then I am afraid you are in for a lot more heartache, I am sorry to say.


Get some counseling for yourself, and get really educated on the subject of affairs. We all make mistakes in the beginning, out of sheer lack of knowledge on the subject of infidelity. Get educated and then stand your ground, that is the only way you will be able to extricate YOURSELF (either through him complying and REALLY working to rebuild, or through D) from the mess your H has created, because obviously, he is unwilling to do it himself.


I am sorry to be so harsh, I really do wish you the best. Please keep posting, surviving infidelity is a hard road, no matter which way it goes.


MLB


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 12:15am

well katy i have been married for over 31 years and this i will tell you UNTIL AND UNLESS YOUR HUSBAND GETS IT. well he continue to do what he has been doing.

my husband took my allowing his to say he was sorry and move on as an open gate to walk thru any time he felt the need to be with someone else. he had one affair after another. every time he was caught he would swear never again. but never again happened over and over and over.

none of us can tell you what to do. none of us know your husband. i will offer my personal opinion about one thing the ring. my husband also would not wear a ring. the fact that that was the only thing you asked of him and he refused is a major red flag. to your husband it is about power, you want him to wear his ring, he wants to show you that he is in control and will not be told what to do so he refuses - and then moves in with a woman - rents a room in her house - all the same thing and has sex. do you want to know what i did? i stopped wearing my wedding ring on my left hand. now mind you i have a gorgeous ring BLING BLING - that i refused to give up so i simply switched hands. just a few days ago he asked me why i no longer wore my ring. 2 reasons i replied #1 your continual affairs made me realize we were not really married as married couples in love don't do that and #2 you don't wear yours. it took him 2 years to ask me that question since i have not worn it in 2 years. oh, i forgot to mention he had one affair that resulted in an illegitimate daughter that i did not know about for 17 years.

you have to begin to take care of you and not worry about him. have you read the 180, if not i would encourage you to do so and begin to practice it. i would also highly encourage marriage counseling. i do not believe he is going to stop this nonsense on his own. men like him tend to lay low for a while and then begin all over again. you deserve better than that. you must let him know that you are not a floor mat for him. that if he is not committed to the 2 of you and your marriage then it is time to move on.

what do you want out of life? do you want peace? do you want to be married to someone you can trust to love and respect you and your family? OR, do you want to be in a constant state of worry and panic. always checking the cell phone bills, wondering where he is, who he is with, why is he late? these are tough questions i know. but you see i never asked myself these questions early no - no instead i operated in la la land. this time he means it. no, he will never do it again. well, unfortunately he did OVER AND OVER AND OVER. why, because he knew he could - because he knew i was not going to do a dam* thing about it.

i never took the time to think of myself as worthy or worth more. i always put him and the kids before me. it was as if i was living my life for them. that was so wrong of me, that was self destructive.

read as many of the posts on this site as possible. these women are caring, loving, helpful people.

we are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sat, 07-11-2009 - 9:06am

Thank you, this was helpful. I'm not having a good morning but have to spend the day at the beach for my granddaughter's 6th birthday so will be faking it (it will be nice to be there with my dd and all her kids though *smile*).

I stopped wearing my wedding ring about 6 months ago and he wasn't happy when he noticed OH WELL!

Is there a direct link to the 180 you can send me?

Katy

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