Just found out ... again
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|Thu, 07-09-2009 - 6:57pm|
I've never been here before but boy could I use some support and/or words of wisdom right now.
I'll try to give you the condensed version, ending with the new development I found out about yesterday. I appreciate anyone who has the patience to read this through and comment on it.
Last year I found out my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. It killed me, but I was willing to work things out with one condition: he start wearing his wedding ring (he hadn't worn it in years with the excuse that it was a 'chick magnet' when he was at bars and he couldn't wear it at work. Of course I now know it was simply a way to get out of wearing it).
Needless to say, I was crushed beyond belief.
He was sorry, cried, regretted it terribly, knew he messed up, etc, etc, we actually had a good talk about it but he was still confused and wasn’t willing to wear his wedding right just yet. I wanted to work things out but in his "state of confusion" and because he wasn’t willing to wear his ring, we agreed that he should move out until he got his head on straight and figured out what he wanted.
He told me that he ended it immediately with this girl and she acted a little "psycho", he has no respect for her at all, can’t stand the sight of her, thank goodness she works in a different dept at work, blah blah blah. I believed him, he was sincerely remorseful and sincere.
So. Come to find out during their affair she had offered him a room to rent if he wanted to leave me but he didn’t take her up on it. Well, now that he was moving out and had nowhere to go, he decided to take her up on her offer to rent her spare room just because it was the cheapest place he could find and I wanted him out right away.
He moved into her spare room, assuring me that he would be home whenever I needed him (for myself or the kids), promising there was nothing going on between the two of them, he can’t stand the sight of her because she’s a constant reminder of what he did, he’s only there for a cheap place to stay, etc.
He came home every weekend and a couple days during the week whenever I needed his help with the kids (mostly running them to appts). He’d even call during the week just to ‘hear my voice". Every weekend he’d tell me how much he respected me and how much I meant to him, etc.
Weekends were great - he seemed to really appreciate us more and we got along fantastic.
Every once in a while I’d ask how his relationship with her was going and it was always the same: he hardly even sees her because she works two jobs, he hates it there, he goes out of his way to avoid her when they’re home together, staying in his room, etc.
After a couple months of living there he wanted to come back home but I said no because he was still not ready to wear his wedding ring. That was my only condition of him coming home (well that, and not cheating anymore!).
Last weekend was fabulous, he was so affectionate and finally told me that he’d wear his ring if I let him back home, he’s sorry he screwed up and knows exactly what he wants now (me), and even wants to renew our vows.
So ... yesterday I got my cell phone bill in the mail (his phone is on my plan) and I usually never look twice at it but just happened to notice that he used almost twice as many minutes as I did, and as far as I knew he hardly ever uses his cell phone.
I went online to see the calls in detail and GUESS WHAT ... in May he called HER cell phone number 109 times ... June he called her 69 times ... and the first week of July (this past week) he called her 13 times! 2/3 of the calls were less than two minutes but all the rest were anywhere from 15 - 45 minutes. Kinda weird since he can’t stand her, isn’t having a relationship with her, and has been assuring me there’s nothing going on, don’t you think?
I called him at work to ask him about this and he said he’s been so mixed up that he just needed someone to talk to. HUH??????
I dug one step further and he finally admitted that he slept with her while living there.
I told him I wanted a divorce.
He’s beside himself, crying and begging me to work things out but says he understands since it was 100% his fault and he doesn’t deserve to even be here.
He told me that being there with her for the past several months helped him to realize that he really IS ready to recommit to me and our marriage and he already had his car packed to come home and start wearing his ring (he did have his car packed). I believe him BUT it doesn’t change the fact that HE HAD BEEN LYING TO ME ALL ALONG!
He PROMISED me there was nothing going on between them when he was there, and I find out there was, how can I ever trust him again after that? How can I ever let him out of my sight without wondering who he’s calling or seeing?
What do I do? Am I dreaming to think this can be worked through or should I go through with kicking him out? He’s now, finally, ready to wear his ring, that’s huge for him.
Could it be that I’m making a mistake by kicking him out when actually he’s ready to devote himself to his family once again? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? How can I ever believe him again?PS. If it makes any kind of difference at all - we've been together 21 yrs, married for 15 with 3 kids (10, 14, 16).