Just Found Out - Inappropriate Textual Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Just Found Out - Inappropriate Textual Relationship
6
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 10:01am

Hi All

First time here.  I just found out over this past weekend that my husband of 13 years has been engaging in a sexting relationship with a former subordinate.  He seems to be saying and doing the right things but I am so torn because I just can't believe him.  I asked him if he texted her while I was there and he said no.  Well the text string that got him busted was done while we were at a party and I was in the other room!  At first I thought we could weather this we have been through a lot and I do love him but on reflecting I just am not sure (he actually had a trip out of town the morning after he was caught so he isn't here and I can think) that I will ever trust again.

Is anyone dealing with the texting but no physical contact?  I know if she had been available to him it would have been physical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Well, many of us HOPE it didn't turn physical, but truth is we'll never likely know for certain.  With my DH's first emotional affair, he got stupid and when asked if all those e-mails they exchanged ever turned sexual, and to this day I remember his response verbatim:  a very quickly spoken "oh, it got hot and heavy REEEAAALLLY fast", in other words, YES.  Some of us find out things have been going on behind our back for some time, but it doesn't take much at all to damage the trust element of your relationship.  If I read it right, he got caught lying.  They don't lie unless there's something to lie about or hide.  When trust has been toyed with, I think most of us need counseling, it's just too much of a shock to make sense of it all without help.  And he needs to find out why it was he felt entitled to do something so hurtful.  Don't just sit on this thinking it happened over such a short period of time, if you don't do something about it quickly, it can only make things worse and encourage even more. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Ugh I just got the phone records.  What was told to me was a flirtatious texting relationship actually had many, many long calls on it.  I am done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

The thing is he's only going to admit to what he thinks you know. Nine times out of ten there's more going on than what they will admit to. Where there's smoke there's fire and they will DENY DENY DENY until you shove the proof in black and white in their face. I'm sure he'll have an excuse for the lengthy phone calls when you confront him. Unless he comes clean and is totally honest this can't be saved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 11:04am

Oh boy, did you ever get THAT right.  You can wave the proof right in their faces, and even then they'll play dumb or deny.  And that only succeeds in making it all worse. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2013

So, I am shaking right now, because the very thing happened to me last Friday morning....that is, I found out my husband of 28 years at the very least is having a sexting relationship that I have not even had a clue about.  It came out of nowhere, via a text message from the other woman's phone but texted by her boyfriend/husband? confronting my husband.  For hours he tried to convince me it was some wrong number or weird prank.  My adult daughter knew it was bothering me and pursued the number to the point where the woman told her that she and my husband have known each other for 16 years.  My husband says he has been texting her for about 9 or 10.  But it only turned to sexual conversations a year ago.  My problem is....I don't believe any of it.  With technology today, why would it just be texting and over so much time why would it just recently turn to sex?  I am so sick ..... I feel like I cannot stand on solid ground.  I can't believe how badly I was played and how much I have been lied to.  And when I press for details or reasons or answers....he tells me he doesn't remember how it all started or even why.  The problem is.....I love him.  We have known and loved each other for more than half of our lives.  We have three kids and 2 grandchildren and one more on the way.  I thought of divorcing.  But, I am not a career woman.  I have been a wife and mother.  And while I have a part time job I cannot support myself.  Plus, emotionally, I need him.  He was my best friend.  He was the only person I felt I could ever truly count on.  I told him that in times like this when I felt so lost and helpless he would have been the one I turned to for comfort and to ease my mind.  Where do I go now? I so sympathize with what you are going through.  I don't know how to help....but I can definitely listen and understand whenever you need to talk it out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Oh my LJ that is just awful - much, much worse than my situation. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. Is he willing to go to counseling? Ask for full access to everything - phone, emails and such (make sure he cleans the phone COMPLETELY before he gives it to you my dumba$$ didn't do that and willingly gave the phone to me and I still managed to find stuff I didn't want to see). I understand the love and best friend part though. I am lucky he has taken full responsibility and we start counseling next week. I sincerely hope you can find peace. Whether you make your life with him or without him - you have a family that needs you!