Just found out - it was 20 yrs ago

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2010
Just found out - it was 20 yrs ago
2
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 2:06pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 11:08am
...if you believe (and all of the details fit what you suspected at the time...) him, then move on from here...you didn't really believe him at the time anyway and you saw changes in his behavior that he was committed to the relationship, right?...the situation in which he told you is terrible...substance abuse, grief...yuck...if you want him and you want him sober, he's going to need your support right now...if you want to stay with him, this will be an issue to work on later when his sobriety has been restored...he can't be a support for anyone until that time...just more of the selfishness of addiction, unfortunately...of course, no one would "blame" you (and who cares if they do) if you decide that you can no longer trust him period (infidelity and slip in sobriety) and you do not want to work on this relationship...or you want to work on this relationship and you feel that he should be putting his effort into the relationship as well...perfectly understandable...I think you probably know that sobriety has to take precedence or the relationship will be dysfunctional anyway...bless your heart...there is a ton of support here...post often...but, please, when you post to people reiterate that your husband is also in the process of trying to recover his sobriety...it's not as simple as (if simple is the right word ) "you two need to work on your marriage and he needs to be there for you 100%..."...he can't even be there for himself 100% right now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 3:25pm
If it was agreed upon that you and him were dating exclusively then it was cheating whether he says it was or not. It's always devastating to find out that you were cheated on, even if it is 20 years later, and what you are feeling is normal. However, I also think seeing someone else while separated and BEFORE the divorce is final is also cheating. Both things were wrong and maybe that just means you are even. What's important NOW is do you want to save thew marriage? Are you both willing to go to MC and work on saving the marriage?