Just found out this morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Just found out this morning
11
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:04pm

My wife and I have been married for only a year and a half. We had begun going to a counselor several months ago with almost a month and a half off during that time. I was trying to work on it but she was growing more and more distant and then announced a few days ago that we should split up because she thinks that maybe other people would be a better match for us. She also said the door was still open and I kept working at it, harder than ever. Then last night she says that she has finalized her decision.. she does want a divorce. She left for the gym and I saw her phone and, because something about how distant she had been had bothered me, I looked at it.

There was a long diary of chatting back and forth with another man. When she said she was going out with the girls they had gotten together for drinks and stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. There were non stop texts back and forth, volumes while I saw that most of my messages to here had just one word responses. There was a part where they talked about the awkward goodbyes, then how they were towing the lines, and then one saying that the other was showing more restraint. There were jokes about slumber parties, bringing a video camera, and of course her telling him about how she had told me she wanted a divorce. And the messages go back days before she told me, as far back as the history would show.

I confronted her this morning and she said I wanted to make the divorce her fault, that there was nothing wrong with it. I shared the details with our counselor who said it was a certain emotional infidelity... but also that some people can't admit that they would be the kind of person who does this and will deny it even to themselves. Our mutual friend found out and those few I have talked to today are all in shock. Her first marriage ended when her husband cheated on her. She said they haven't kissed or anything physical, but the emotional infidelity is probably worse for me. Apparently he had told her he had a crush on her and asked her to teach him yoga, she said she held back and was not going to teach him but instead bought him a book that she meant to drop off. But then she went on a late night cocktail date with him (she doesn't like that word, what do you call flirting on text and over the phone and then meeting for drinks until 1:30 in the morning followed by banter chatting). I had already planned to move out by March 1st, at a huge expense to myself when she told me about the divorce last night. Now I want her to go stay with her friends (where she spent two nights last week.. did I mention that he lives down the street from them) or figure something out for herself so I don't have to live with her for 45 days until my new place is ready. Shouldn't the person who cheats take some responsibility.

I am so crushed. It hurts so badly and I am not even angry anymore, just in shock and pain... so much pain. Please tell me how you have dealt with this if you have had a cheating spouse. I am so lost and feel like a fool for how hard I have been working in therapy and at home while she carried on with another man.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 6:49pm

I'm sorry this has happened to you.


The only advice I can give is take good care of yourself- eat right, exercise.

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