Just found out this morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Just found out this morning
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:04pm

My wife and I have been married for only a year and a half. We had begun going to a counselor several months ago with almost a month and a half off during that time. I was trying to work on it but she was growing more and more distant and then announced a few days ago that we should split up because she thinks that maybe other people would be a better match for us. She also said the door was still open and I kept working at it, harder than ever. Then last night she says that she has finalized her decision.. she does want a divorce. She left for the gym and I saw her phone and, because something about how distant she had been had bothered me, I looked at it.

There was a long diary of chatting back and forth with another man. When she said she was going out with the girls they had gotten together for drinks and stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. There were non stop texts back and forth, volumes while I saw that most of my messages to here had just one word responses. There was a part where they talked about the awkward goodbyes, then how they were towing the lines, and then one saying that the other was showing more restraint. There were jokes about slumber parties, bringing a video camera, and of course her telling him about how she had told me she wanted a divorce. And the messages go back days before she told me, as far back as the history would show.

I confronted her this morning and she said I wanted to make the divorce her fault, that there was nothing wrong with it. I shared the details with our counselor who said it was a certain emotional infidelity... but also that some people can't admit that they would be the kind of person who does this and will deny it even to themselves. Our mutual friend found out and those few I have talked to today are all in shock. Her first marriage ended when her husband cheated on her. She said they haven't kissed or anything physical, but the emotional infidelity is probably worse for me. Apparently he had told her he had a crush on her and asked her to teach him yoga, she said she held back and was not going to teach him but instead bought him a book that she meant to drop off. But then she went on a late night cocktail date with him (she doesn't like that word, what do you call flirting on text and over the phone and then meeting for drinks until 1:30 in the morning followed by banter chatting). I had already planned to move out by March 1st, at a huge expense to myself when she told me about the divorce last night. Now I want her to go stay with her friends (where she spent two nights last week.. did I mention that he lives down the street from them) or figure something out for herself so I don't have to live with her for 45 days until my new place is ready. Shouldn't the person who cheats take some responsibility.

I am so crushed. It hurts so badly and I am not even angry anymore, just in shock and pain... so much pain. Please tell me how you have dealt with this if you have had a cheating spouse. I am so lost and feel like a fool for how hard I have been working in therapy and at home while she carried on with another man.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 6:49pm

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

The only advice I can give is take good care of yourself- eat right, exercise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 3:26pm

I just wanted to post in agreement with Thomas that Getting Past the Affair is indeed a great book. I am 70% through it now, and will probably re-read it when I am done because my mind was in a different place when reading the first parts.

My GF (who cheated on me) has read some of it, and will end up reading most if not all of it. Right now it is just a little too painful for her to read all the ways that her actions have and will continue to affect me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 1:52pm

Well I am trying to focus on forgiving, thinking about what I could have done different and take control of my life again. I don't want to spend any more of it unhappy and feeling out of control. Don't get me wrong, I have waves of anger, grief, disappointment... but I have been reading and trying to learn how to accept what has happened and heal to find myself in a place of happiness in love with someone again. I want to be bigger than this, but I know I can't rush the grieving process as well. I hope you find the peace and happiness you want after all of this. Don't rush your grief, but focus on healing for your own benefit.

Dang, I wish this was easier. But the person I find I want to love me completely, to be filled with a good soul and character that can be trusted. Pray and send positive energy my way please, I'll take all the help I can get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 12:18am


Good things are headed your way. Try and focus on YOU, no her or what she did.

You have no control over her only yourself. If you do not not take care of you who will. You are the Captain of your own ship.

In order to be happy we have to love ourself. You have to have a plan, look to the future. Your life has just begun, take it from a woman who has been married for 31 almost 32 years to a serial cheater>

In ending I am sure your mom told you to listen to your elders, well I am 59, surely your elder. Now is your time, you will get thru this I promise you. Funny but when people told me this I thought Oh no, they could not love their spouses as much as I; I will never get thru this; but you do. Time, it is a friend in the thing called Betrayal. Time it does heal all wounds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 10:14pm

Thank you, and what a couple friends have just pointed out is that (1) her first husband cheated on her. Guess not everyone learns or maybe they want to hurt another and (2) She just ridiculed one of our friends for even talking to a boyfriend who had been caught cheating. Really gave it to her that she couldn't believe she would entertain talking more with the cheating guy.

I think we figured it out now... sometimes people have so little patience for whatever they see in themselves.

Oh yeah, I have a huge interview tomorrow, just found out about this today, and she refuses to go stay with a friend. I know that legally I can't force her to leave but shouldn't the person who cheated move out. I just think she doesn't care about how I feel and in denial about what she has done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 10:10pm

Mike..I am so sorry you are going through this..I just found in the month and my world has gone to hell in a hand basket.

I would suggest seeing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 9:55pm

in all honesty i really do not thing that the OTHER PEOPLE think much about what they are doing. they see someone they like and go after it. what does it say about that persons integrity? not much, why, because in all honesty that is something they probably do not have much of if any.

reality will hit, and i would be willing to bet that as soon as some time has passed and the intrigue of all of the sneaking around is gone - so will he be.

while moving on will be difficult in matters of the heart, it is your only opition. this is your life. this relationship has taught you the importance of true love, true respect, true caring, true integrity, true commitments, true trust, - i am confident, that unlike she YOU WILL NOT MOVE ON TO CHEAT ON ANOTHER. you have seen the pain, and would have far too much empathy to inflict it on another. too bad she wasn't the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 7:14pm


Sorry to see you on these boards; none of us likes being here.

I'd suggest two things:

1. See a lawyer. It's amazing how much clarity you can gain. You'll know your status as well as your options. You'll sense a great feeling of power knowing that you have more control over the situation than you presently think. I got WAY more benefit from an atty than I did from the shrink.

2. Begin a dialogue with pater_familia.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:55pm


The cheating is selfish, a fantasy, and has nothing to do with you. I kept telling DW that the OM was an indecent person. Why would she have any feelings for a man who would behave this way? It fell on deaf ears. It took months of working with a shrink to understand that the OM and her are far different people than she and I are, and that he would never do the hard work to repair their differences. He just wasn't that sort of man.

This isn't about you. It's about her. She's screwed up in the head right now. I hope she can get help. I hope you can cope with this in a healthy way.

Seriously, you need to think and take care of you FIRST! If you do this, you better be able to deal with the nightmare that is unfolding in your life.

Do it and vent at us. OK! We are here for you.


5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding


We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:41pm
Thank you so much Thomas. All these words of support help out so much. She is lashing out at being caught right now and in denial. I had to write her and share... you know you just picked a man who is willing to chase and cheat with a Married woman. Don't these cheaters ever think about this fact when think they found a new love.