Just found out, now what???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Just found out, now what???
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 2:32pm

I am a 42 year old white male who just found out on Thursday that my wife of 18 years has been cheating on me. Over the course of the last year she has began playing the online game World of Warcraft. She played it for probably 2 hours every morning and 4 hours every night. When she started, I was working a very demanding job and did not have much time with her. Last November, I changed careers and went from working 75 hours per week to working 35 hours per week. I tried to get closer to her but just pushed me away. I figured it was a phase and went along with it.

On Thursday I was on Verizon's website looking for a new cell phone and I saw the option to view my bill and all phone activity. I had noticed my wife was calling the same number at 7:30 am every day(when I leave for the gym) and staying on the phone with him til 9am. She was talking to him again during her lunch break and again on her 1 hour commute home. This had been going on for over a year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 6:59pm
I am a male. I have been there. I use a totally different tact First being angry is useless. If she had wanted to leave she would have. Only now you are giving her reason. Being Mr. dictator and "big brother rolled up into one is not constructive. You are not the first nor the last guy to find his wife has a lover. Remember you do not own her. This is very important because if you continue to act like her owner and she your slave then you are doomed and her revenge will be something for the books.
If you left you dog for that long you might expect chewed up shoes or other indications of displeasure. Not every person can handle that. It is not in the book she read on how it is supposed to be. This new book is still being written. Long hours are the new norm coming home at 6 isn't.
No one can tell you what might have been. I have lots of friends with frustrated wives(and husbands) who play computer games for hours(days).
As for trust I myself never trust, ever. I expect each person to act in their perception of what is best for them.
You are lucky that she is very honest with you. She is telling you that she rather have him as her lover? Being emotional is now useless. Each person will go for what they need and want. in many societies Lady Chatterley will have her lover.
I suggest a sex therapist rather than marriage counselor and the best lawyer to see if a annulment or what can be done.
You must go through the fire and endure the pain to find wisdom and enlightenment. Odin gave his eye what will you give?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 8:31pm

First let me say I am sorry you are here, Noone deserves this, and your W needs to be sorry and she needs to do whatever you need within reason to show you she is commited. I am a WOW player because my H and kids are. My H had several A's that I found out about 18 months ago and he gave me an STD, this was such a shock.
I never saw it coming but it did . Finding out is really hard
I suggest you find something you and your W can do together, so you can try to reconnect at some level. She isnt a child but she is certainly accountable and should be an open book from now on.
My H quit his job, changed cell phone numbers and commited to not be alone with any females from work, We go over his cell phone bill whenever I feel like I need some clarification, this is what a spouse does to prove they want to make it work. I dont promise it works great or it makes it all better because its hard to believe someone who has deceived you and hurt you so deeply.
Love doesnt just go away because you get hurt or angry, it hurts and your angry because you loved so much.
and you will go through many phases of healing, marriage counseling
is a must and alot of commuincation, its what is always missing. Remember this thing that happened isnt really about you its about her. She had something wrong going on in her that caused her to do it.
Its hard for me to swallow sometimes too but I beleive its true in most cases.
Be wise and dont let her fool you, but also be loving and sympathetic, she probably needs you to
and if your really able, play some WOW with her, I learned to like it and now I play with my H. sometimes being his WOW wife is easier and sometimes I even like him better.

I pray for you to have the grace you need to follow through this very difficult , but hopefully worthwhile path

I am still trying too : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 5:09pm

Thanks for all of the good wishes Onlyme68. There's just no way I could ever play the game with her knowing what it led to. Every time I'd hear her chatting with someone I would probably just go nuts wondering whether or not it was "him".

We had our first night of counseling on Monday and the counselor told her that she had to give up the game cold turkey. The counselor told her that the game was like an addiction to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 7:29pm
I feel for you. I am a 32 year old white female and I recently found out my husband has been having an online affair that also started from World of Warcraft. He has played for years, but over the past two began raiding three to four nights per week and barley speaking to me or our children. He was up later one night than usual and I waited until he fell asleep and then logged on to the computer. He forgot to log out and I found multiple messages in a WOW chat board. They were making a reference to last night, etc. I confronted my husband and he told me she was just a friend lived in Detroit ( we live in CA) and that they had been chatting for a few weeks and it only recently became flirty. We decided to enter marriage counseling and he agreed to stop WOW. The sad part is the counseling was helping, we had a better month than we had in years. After only a week, he reached out to this girl but via cell phone instead ( I was unaware). Our kitchen was being remodeled so I went to my Mom's house for two weeks with both of our kids. When I got back I just felt like something was off so I started snooping. I looked up his cell bill and found over 700 text messages and dozens of late night phone calls in addition to half naked pictures she had sent. When I confronted him, he confessed and stated it was over, he loved me and wanted nothing more that to work on our marriage. I told him I would nor continue counseling unless he came clean on everything. He told me that had been having phone sex for about a month. Then told me she lives two hours away-not in Detroit. I panicked. He swears they never met. I got her number off the phone bill and called her and she swears they never met. I am so hurt and confused. We have a newborn baby and a four year old and I just can't believe he would do this. I think this might be a deal breaker for me. How will I ever know for sure they didn't meet in person????
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 12:48am
I don't think you ever will know for sure whether he met up with her or not, cause unless you find some positive proof he will DENY it. I found out that my H tried to hook up with a woman he used to work with that supposedly had a crush on him a long time ago when he accidentally left his e mail open one day. The only reason I believe he didn't meet up with her is because I saw the follow up e mail to her saying "I was hoping to hear from you before I left to go back home." We used to live in another state when they worked together, and then moved far away. He went back there for a funeral of a friend 2 years later and that's when it happened. Thing is he has frequent business trips out of town and now every time he's gone I kinda wonder if the opportunity presented itself would he cheat? This stuff really does mess with you head. I just don't feel as though I can ever give him back 100% of my heart for fear of getting so hurt again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 6:01pm

Yes I thought I could just move on too and well I am trying, for me I cant set a time frame for it so its hard to say positive when the anger and hurt comes riding in. I am glad you are in counseling and I hope your W wakes up to see what kind of man you are and want to be and that she can become the W she needs to be to save your marriage. This is a long road from all that I read here, I hope its all worth it in the end.
I tried to grow some but it didnt work LMAO

Love and Grace to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 6:17pm

Thanks. I really appreciate your good wishes. Unfortunately, she told me last night that didn't want to try to fix things. She said its not what she wants and its easier to just leave.