Just had confirmation of husband's affair. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2012
Just had confirmation of husband's affair. :(
23
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 5:47pm

Hello all - hoping for support and advice during this time. 

I've been married for 21 years and I thought I had a relatively strong and loving relationship.  We didn't argue, were very busy and didn't have much time for connecting, but we were both dedicated to our kids and vacations and family time seemed to make us all happy.  There was a lot of stress with the two teenage daughters last year and it was a depressing time for me.  My husband worked all of the time and was never there to help parent.  I dumped a lot of complaining about the kids and him being gone during the times we were together.  But at the heart of the matter, we had such a deep history and he was such a man of integrity and pride that I never questioned his fidelity.  

Then when my daughters and I went to visit my family on the east coast in June, he moved out while I was gone.  No discussion, no warning.  My girls and I came home to all of his possessions missing. But he still denied having an affair, just said that he was unhappy, had been unhappy for a long time and didn't think he could be happy at home.  He needed time to himself.  I was angry, devastated, confused, abandoned.  My kids were heartbroken, they have many friends with broken families and always had a great deal of pride in our family.

So I've been slowly putting the pieces of my life together over the past 4 months. I've been in therapy since this summer and have read lots of books, really worked on myself and my relationships with my daughters.  We've come together and have had a calm and peaceful home for the past few months.  Through myself self discovery, I decided my marriage and family was important to me and I couldn't end it without trying everything to save it first.  So my husband and I Went from having no contact at all for the first couple months, to trying to talk about the kids only, trying to get a communication rhythm going again.  He finally agreed to marriage therapy and we were actually supposed to start this week.  But then my daughter found text messages on his phone the other day that made it clear he was having an affair.  I confronted him and he finally admitted it.  And it's been going on since we were gone this summer, don't know how long before that.

I feel like I'm all the way back at the beginning of this nightmare.  I naturally suspected an affair when he left, but I totally believed him when he denied it.  But even then, my girls would say he texts someone nonstop when they were spending time with him and I still suspected.  Knowing for sure has really set me back emotionally.  I don't know if I can still stay committed to trying to work on my marriage.  Through my research and therapy, I can see how we let our intimacy wither and that gives me a greater understanding of how he could have an affair.  But I want to hate him!  Not have compassion for him!  

I saw him briefly today when he was dropping my daughter off and he mentioned our marriage therapy appointment this week.  I asked him what his intention was, if he was still going to continue his relationship with the OW or work on our marriage, because he can't do both.  He said he saw no future in the relationship with the OW, but he wasn't ready to end it.  And he was willing to see if there was anything salvageable in our marriage.  So now I feel like a second option, a Plan B, a back-up woman, and I don't know what to do!

Is trying to save our marriage worth all of this pain?

Rebecca

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
Rebecca, I really feel for you because my marriage broke up after twenty years, and our two daughters were teenagers at the time. For me it was the best thing I ever did, but every situation is different. However, your husband did not admit to the affair until you found out and confronted him. Big strike one, and that is just my opinion. Secondly, he wants to see if he can reconcile with you, but not ready to end the affair? It's called having your cake and eating it too. He is keeping all of his options open. What I would do is tell him I would be willing to try to salvage the marriage ONLY if the affair ended pronto! You can't lose him Rebecca, you cannot lose what you don't have. Sorry honey. Sandra
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2013

Nope....or you will end up like me....older and divorced after a 30 year marriage to a cheater. Guess he finally met the one he wanted to finish his life with and he too just upped and left me one day without warning. In fact, I thought things were getting better...more relaxed now that the kids were grown and out of the house. His business was doing very well and we had plans to move and build our own house. Only he was making the same plans with the OW...and she won!!! So no, he won't change and it doesn't sound like he respects you or your family or he would give up the OW. It is very tough.....being older makes it harder for us to pick ourselves up and go on....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2013
So nice you shared this with us women who have had long term marriages only for the man to suddenly walk out on us. Thanks!

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