Just had confirmation of husband's affair. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2012
Just had confirmation of husband's affair. :(
23
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 5:47pm

Hello all - hoping for support and advice during this time. 

I've been married for 21 years and I thought I had a relatively strong and loving relationship.  We didn't argue, were very busy and didn't have much time for connecting, but we were both dedicated to our kids and vacations and family time seemed to make us all happy.  There was a lot of stress with the two teenage daughters last year and it was a depressing time for me.  My husband worked all of the time and was never there to help parent.  I dumped a lot of complaining about the kids and him being gone during the times we were together.  But at the heart of the matter, we had such a deep history and he was such a man of integrity and pride that I never questioned his fidelity.  

Then when my daughters and I went to visit my family on the east coast in June, he moved out while I was gone.  No discussion, no warning.  My girls and I came home to all of his possessions missing. But he still denied having an affair, just said that he was unhappy, had been unhappy for a long time and didn't think he could be happy at home.  He needed time to himself.  I was angry, devastated, confused, abandoned.  My kids were heartbroken, they have many friends with broken families and always had a great deal of pride in our family.

So I've been slowly putting the pieces of my life together over the past 4 months. I've been in therapy since this summer and have read lots of books, really worked on myself and my relationships with my daughters.  We've come together and have had a calm and peaceful home for the past few months.  Through myself self discovery, I decided my marriage and family was important to me and I couldn't end it without trying everything to save it first.  So my husband and I Went from having no contact at all for the first couple months, to trying to talk about the kids only, trying to get a communication rhythm going again.  He finally agreed to marriage therapy and we were actually supposed to start this week.  But then my daughter found text messages on his phone the other day that made it clear he was having an affair.  I confronted him and he finally admitted it.  And it's been going on since we were gone this summer, don't know how long before that.

I feel like I'm all the way back at the beginning of this nightmare.  I naturally suspected an affair when he left, but I totally believed him when he denied it.  But even then, my girls would say he texts someone nonstop when they were spending time with him and I still suspected.  Knowing for sure has really set me back emotionally.  I don't know if I can still stay committed to trying to work on my marriage.  Through my research and therapy, I can see how we let our intimacy wither and that gives me a greater understanding of how he could have an affair.  But I want to hate him!  Not have compassion for him!  

I saw him briefly today when he was dropping my daughter off and he mentioned our marriage therapy appointment this week.  I asked him what his intention was, if he was still going to continue his relationship with the OW or work on our marriage, because he can't do both.  He said he saw no future in the relationship with the OW, but he wasn't ready to end it.  And he was willing to see if there was anything salvageable in our marriage.  So now I feel like a second option, a Plan B, a back-up woman, and I don't know what to do!

Is trying to save our marriage worth all of this pain?

Rebecca

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2012

thank you for the comments.  It just seems so counter productive, because he moved out 4 months ago and NOW that we're finally to he point of meeting with a therapist he admits to this mess and wants to keep his family in the wings.  I've pulled the no contact for the first couple months and I actually thought that it aided his detachment - he saw his kids only a few times for all of August & Sept.  But I know he's not committed so doesn't do any good to talk to him anyways.  It'll just be awkward about him coming to see the kids, like he is this Thursday night, and me pulling a 180 and not talking to him.  I'll just be civil and distant.  Do these men ever wake up?  Can I live with myself if I still want to try? I feel so disrespected, obviously.  And I'd feel like a huge fool for considering a future with him.  But I'm still pulled by the fact that this is so out of character!  I don't know who this man is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Rebecca, there's nothing you can do until he breaks off contact with her 100%, permanently. Until then, you have nothing to work with. You cannot do a thing until he takes that step, and you shouldn't. Otherwise you're condoning the affair and he has no reason to stop, he can have her and you waiting on the sidelines until he feels done with it. His affair won't turn into anything that lasts, the statistic is less than 1% will last, but they never know that. He doesn't appear all that invested in the affair from what he says, but still....he won't break it off. For now get counseling for YOU, for your kids, and have the bare minimum contact with him necessary for you and for your kids. As long as he's still in the affair, he's choosing her over you. Don't allow it. Until I have my DH an ultimatum, he didn't appear to understand we were through until he ended all contact. Your DH is a grown-up, he needs to act like one and stop this crap.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't know if the marriage can be saved or not--it's not something you can do on your own.  He also needs to be committed to it and you're right, he would have to give up the OW to do that.  But I think it's still a good idea for you to go to counseling togetehr & get talking about what happened, so that even if you do end it, you'll feel better for talking about everything.  Since you have kids together, it's not like you can avoid him forever so if you can't be married, you both have to learn how to be co-parents.

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