Just learned the truth and don't know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Just learned the truth and don't know...
19
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:04pm

My H and I married 15 months, and we just had a vow renewel for my family last week since most missed the original.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:22pm
peace and strength to you
married 6 months and pregnant when he had 2 mistresses
back in 06 been trying to years now
i am forever changed sober and smile less
i cannot drink or I break down
it has been worth it for this little boy otherwise I would advise to cut and run
he has to be a changed man for you to even think about risking your heart and soul again on him
it is very hard to 'rebuild' very very hard in fact this weekend may be the end for us
I have no friends I do not trust many anymore my children are my life
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:08pm
So he started having an affair only 3 months into the marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:53am

Wow, thats pretty early on in a marriage to be cheating. Did he cheat on you while dating?


Know that it is OK and best NOT to make any permanent decisions this soon. Some experts say to take at least six months to decide. You have been traumatized emotionally and right now your mind will be all over the place.


I hate to say it but many affairs do not end after the first dday,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 9:32am

(((Hugs))) sunflower, so sorry you find yourself in this pain we all know too well. I will say IMHO your H has serious issues that need to be addressed that he has the ability to cheat so early in your marriage. I would insist that he immediately goes to individual counseling (IC) to discover what he believes allowed him to cheat in the first place and so early in the marriage. Does he not know how to set boundaries? His lack of empathy to your feelings is also concerning. Is this a pattern with him in other relationships too?

My exh cheated early on in our marriage and I discovered after the fact that he had done it before, many times in other relationships. It is a serious character flaw and one I refused to live with. My exh lacked empathy for my feelings and didn't have what it would take to rebuild. I think he is doomed to repeat his behavior over and over fortunately I am not dealing with it. I am not saying your H is like this but I think some people are just flawed and shouldn't be married, my ex included.

Many other posters have told about how the H/W's in their lives have had empathy, remorse and actually did the work to rebuild so I am sure it is possible but it is difficult. Does your H have it in him to do the work? Does he have true remorse? Remember now his words mean nothing, only look at his actions. Is he an open book?--you have access to all emails, texts, phone calls, internet sites? Is he truly sorry for his actions not just sorry he got caught?

I suggest that you go to IC for yourself too. It was really helpful for me, being the BS is a real self esteem destroyer. It really helped open my eyes about my exh's character and I heard the opinions from someone who wasn't close in my life, like friends and family. When you talk to friends and family about this is up to you but I think the counselor is a perfect idea.

IMHO marriage counseling is important but your H needs to discover within himself why he would make such a destructive, selfish choice and learn to set boundaries before any marriage counseling can work.

Hugs to you! Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 3:56pm
Nobody WANTS to do counseling, but most of us here will HAVE to do it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 7:17pm

First of all, thank you all for your support. We have our first counseling session on Thursday, so hopefully more information will come to light at that time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2010
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 6:53am

As hard as it might seem now, move on and be happy. My third wife had an affair and I found out by accident. As much as your spouse ask for forgiveness a leopard won't change his spots. what will happen and I speak from experience after being on both sides of the infidelity fence is that when someones caught having an affair or they are alerted that someone is aware a smoke screen goes up and that individual might temporarily end the affair or even end it for good but the cheater only goes into a hibernation mode.


They might even remain this way for years, but when offered the right opportunity will weaken again and you will be in the same boat you are now. Don't put yourself through it anymore, your in control and you make the rules. If they don't like it so be it. Your not the one that made a mistake, but I bet your spouse would react differently if they found out or thought you were having an affair to get even.


When you look at infidelity statistics they are alarming, when you read that 90% of all affairs start in the workplace and

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 10:09pm

So I set forward certain conditions when I found out:


1) he be home every night when he gets off work


2) no contact with her


Figured neither of these was that hard to follow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 9:35am

Is your H even trying? Is he remorseful at all? What is he doing at his "work friends's" house if that is where he is? He should be home connecting with his W working to repair the damage he has done! It doesn't sound to me like he knows you mean business so to speak. Make sure you lay it all out on the line in the MC. Tell exactly what you feel and think and what you NEED to stay married to his person!

Have you made an appointment for yourself at IC? If not I would.

hugs to you, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 2:30pm
So new update, we have been to MC 2 times now.

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