Just learned the truth and don't know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Just learned the truth and don't know...
19
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:04pm

My H and I married 15 months, and we just had a vow renewel for my family last week since most missed the original.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 3:40pm
I think in most affairs people will minimize as much as they can. Such as when it started, where they went, how many times they actually slept together etc. You know he was lying to you, but it was just for a longer time than you thought...minimizing. Part of it (and this only applies IF you feel that he is really remorseful for his actions) may be that he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than he already has. So I don't think I'd concentrate too much on when it started, but if it is OVER and he has gone NO CONTACT with her. Could it be that he may have forgot to delete those pictures since they are from last August and over a year old? Personally, if I'd found them, I would have deleted them myself. I actually did delete all of my H old e mails to OW when I found them. He had forget about a folder he stored them in a while back and quite a while AFTER it was OVER. He never said a word about it to me, and that's how I knew that it was over with her. Maybe you need to ask him why he wanted to know if changing his password was the only thing you did. That may or may not be suspicious. Maybe he just didn't want anything else to be changed or messed up when he goes to use his computer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 4:54pm

while the majority of us are betrayed wives each of us has our own stories.

you ask how are you suppose to live with someone you can not trust? - the truth of the matter is you in reality can not. BUT, and this is a big but it is very early into this. however, i will admit the fact that he began the affair so soon into your marriage sets off many many bells and whistles. this is the primary question - why get married if he was going to start cheating so early into the marriage?

maybe i missed this point but did the other woman share with you what he was telling her? was he telling her he was leaving you? was he promising her they would be together? this is key.

it is imperative that he be able to take responsibility and get it. what i mean by that is this,,,,,,,,,,, this is not a quick role in the hay under the influence of alcohol (not that that makes betrayal ok). instead he has planned numerous liasons between the two of them, for a very long time. it is sounding as though he is not showing much empathy - he is acting like it was a blip in the radar when it was in fact a full blown invasion of your relationship.

i will offer you this - while you may be overwhelmed at this point, this is NOT simply going to go away. until and unless you feel as though he truly knows and realizes that what he did was wrong, wrong, wrong you are going to be forever in alert mode.

the fact that you know THIS password does not mean he does not have another or other email addresses that he is using to communicate to her with. please know i do not mean to add to your burden with this thought, but knowledge is power.

i would NOT let him know that you snooped, but i would download everything and put a keylogger on the computer. that is the ONLY way you will know for sure what is going on, if anything.

read as many posts on this site as possible - the spouses here are a great group of human beings who offer up much good advice and whose shoulders are quite broad. we are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 7:10pm

If I were in your position, I would not confront him with this information until you are in the MC's office. I think you will have a better chance of getting at the truth in front of the counselor, and then the counselor can discuss this development with both of you.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 1:08am

Some will say you betray THEM if you snoop.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 6:21pm

I guess I wasn't clear, the pictures went from August of last year all the way through June of this year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 12:10am

I'm in a similar situation and do not know what to trust. As much as my H says it was the biggest mistake of his life and he would never do it again I just can't trust him. He promised to never do it to begin with and cheated within the first three years of our marriage. Don't know what to think or believe. If it weren't for my son I believe I would have left him. Just want my son to have the best life possible and believe he needs a two parent house hold for that. I saw the comment regarding Keylogger and was curious as to what was a safe Keylogger program to download? I am not computer savvy as this is probably part of the reason he was able to carry on the affair for 3 plus months without me finding hard evidence although I suspected it from day 1. Its odd but I knew the day he started talking to the OW but just couldn't bring myself to

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 1:33am
Be very careful as keylogging is considered stalking by the feds! It can have repercussions that are serious.
dragon B Dragon
xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 1:52am

One needs to be very careful because there are many facets to law that people are unaware of. Internet and computer usage is one of those areas where it is better to be safe than find yourself in a bind.
Also there are State and perhaps even other laws that most may not even aware of it's existence.


A Michigan case illustrates how this federal statute and these state tort claims have been used in spouse cases involving e-mail eavesdropping. In Bailey v. Bailey (2008 U.S. Dist. LEXIS 8565), husband eavesdropped his wife's yahoo e-mail and found compromising information. The husband used a key logger software version that he installed in two home computers. This software records any keystroke in a computer and saves it in a file in the computer's hard drive. Through this software, husband learned wife's e-mail password and accessed it; he discovered adult content in wife's e-mails. The husband left home with his children and initiated divorce proceedings. The husband provided copy of wife's e-mails to his family attorney to be used in the divorce case. The husband was granted full custody of the children (additional wife's behavioral issues triggered this decision) to which wife alleged it had not happened but for the e-mails husband illegally obtained. Wife filed a lawsuit alleging her husband violated 18 U.S.C. §§ 2511, 2512; Michigan Criminal Code- MCL §§ 750.539a and 750.540; and violated invasion of privacy rules; and intentional infliction of emotional distress, among others.
http://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/is-it-illegal-for-my-ex-husband-to-put-a-keylogger-172719.html
Basic rule if it has a password then the reasonable expectation of privacy is invoked. If it does not then there would not be any but that can be interpreted individually too.

dragon B Dragon
xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 3:36pm

while i understand the precautionary words posted by others, my opinion is simple - we gotta do, what we gotta do.

if it is a computer used within the home 'one' could simply state "i put it there for precautionary measures for my children".

you might want to start a thread of your own and ask others on the betrayed board what is the best one to use.

in the past others have done so and received excellent recommendations.

it is a shame though isn't it that we have to go to these extremes vs simply being able to trust the man that is considered our life partner.

you know my husband thought i was too dumb to ever find out as i am NOT computer savy. but then one evening - do not ask me to explain because there is no explanation i woke up with his password in my mind. i simply went down stairs at 2:00 a.m. and logged onto my computer with his info. there is was - the TRUTH, what i had been asking for all along. i then went up stairs, woke him up and confronted him with the print outs. he could not believe his eyes. there was no denial any longer. no longer could he simply throw out "you are loosing your mind, you are crazy". i did however make 3 copies of all of the emails as well as his cell phone bills. gave one package to my sister for safe keeping.

i am so sorry you find yourself in this situation, i know, we know how it feels - and NOT GOOD simply does not do justice to the impact.

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