Just starting my journey

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Just starting my journey
17
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 5:10pm

I am thankful to find this board as I really have no one to discuss this with yet.  I found out three weeks ago that my husband of 23 years was having an affair.  When I found out, he quickly admitted to it and stopped it.  (I hope) We have been communicating very well and he takes complete blame although I learned a lot by myself and how men and women see things differently.  We have a good life, great kids, ect... and get along really well.  The lack of sex was not an issue for me, and I figured we were just hitting a lull.  Little did I understand that to him it meant I was no longer interested in him.  Why not just say something, that seems easier than having an affair.  Well, I guess my question is-will I ever get over the obessing about the details of the affair.  I think I am more jealous of the details than anything else.  He travels and when he was in her city, she would come stay the night at his hotel.  I can not imagine him waking up with someone other than me, or sharing breakfast or all the other little details.  Although he says she never expected him to leave me for her, I can not buy that- why would a woman leave her kids overnight to be with someone unless she had deep feelings for him.  We have done the get-away, talked endlessly, I believe he is committed to making this work and I am too but I am not sure how long I can deal with the demons in my head thinking of them together- any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 12:47am

I have been married for 7 years to my husband and found out he had had two affairs. When all this was going on i was pregnant with our 3rd child. I was constantly being monitored and on bed rest while still trying to take care of our other to with his demanding job. I never saw it coming or noticed the much of the signs like i should have. I never thought much of his late night or going out. I know his work did keep him out late some nights so i never questioned often just was the understanding wife. i thought we were soulmates and that we understood each other so well, that he would never have an affair. i have always told him it is better to walk away than to cheat on me. I can handle the truth better than a lie. So one night we were out with some family and friends at the bar and he drank too much and i found him outside talking to a female that was trying to flirt with him and he didn't stop her. this is when i was baffled and was seeing a different man. so that night i went threw his cell phone and my whole life change in an instant. there were text messages and all sorts of info in them that told me that he was having an affair right under my nose. We yelled, talked, discussed many details and i know i will never understand how or why this is happening. After him moving out to be with her a month later he decides he has made a mistake and wants to come back home which took him some time. he was still not being completely honest with me but i didn't know that at the time. but i decided to try and work things out especially because we have 3 beautiful innocent kids in the middle of this. so we decided to move forward start over with a fresh start. So after he moves back in and we are planning to relocate im trying to forgive him and things somewhat gets back to norma, two months later,l when he calls me and says we have to talk. i felt sick to my stomach and new it couldn't be good. when i got home he dropped the worst news i could ever imagine. The other women was pregnant and she says it is his. I am completely distraught and don't know what to do. i had already stopped working, transfered school info and packed up our home and told the kids. I thought i was going to die my heart hurt so much. She wasn't going to have an abortion again so this was going to be a reality. I went threw with the move and it has been about 3 months in our new location. I am not still able to come to terms with things. He has mad efforts to show me how remorseful and sorry he is. How can i get over this when it is going to be a constant reminder around of us infedility. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. i am considering consuling but fear of anyone finding out kind of keeps me from doing it. we haven't told our family. I don't know if i can handle this. I feel like this will and has ruined my life and soon my childrens when they find out. I can't walked into the baby section to get what i need for my youngest with out getting emotional. I think about it everyday and just don't understand how he could let this happen. As of now he text her once or twice a month to see how the pregnancy is going,she seems to be leaving him alone other wise. i do feel like he has determined to make our marriage work. there has been so many lies and hurtful things i still ask why he would do this to us. i gave up my life for him to follow him and his career while putting aside mine. Has anyone been threw this? How can i come to terms with this? I don't know how to move past the hurt and pain. I don't know if we will ever be okay again. I just think about all the details, the fact that they had this connection and now a child soon. I try not to talk about it or bring it up but it is always there. I'm constantly reminded from the music, to tv or just being around a baby or pregnant person. HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Fri, 02-22-2013 - 7:57am

On the text messages- we have Sprint and all you need is his authorization-not a court oder- just call customer service and see if its the same for you all-

I agree-telling friends makes the situation pretty sticky because there are so many different expectations from others-

Hang in there- take care of yourself and catch up with me again- you are a huge help to me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Thu, 02-21-2013 - 9:26pm

That's good to not tell a lot of people.  After I found out I went on a tirade to a bunch of my friends, and now I wish they didn't know.  We're trying to work on the marriage and I'm barraged by my friends telling me how I can do so much better and I should leave him... It's going to make hanging out again awkward- if we ever get there.

So when it comes to snooping, is there any way to get his text messages?  I don't want to see the texts on his phone- i want to see the ones that were deleted.  We have MetroPCS and we're both on the account, and he even said he would give his permission for those records to be released to me, but I think he's only giving me permission because he knows it's not possible.  Can the cell phone only release those texts if there's a court order, or is there a way i could get my hands on those?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Thu, 02-21-2013 - 10:32am

Thanks TMaria for your insight-its so helpful to me to hear from real people going through the same thing- I have not really told any friends/family about his affair because I think then you are dealing not only with your own expectations but of others as well- I want this to be about me and my feelings not what others think I should/should not be feeling/doing.  But going it some what alone, is well....lonely.... he and I talk a lot but you know sometimes I feel like his perspective is so different than mine that its not that helpful.  Hearing from you all makes me feel like I am actually making progress- even if its just an inch a day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2013
Thu, 02-21-2013 - 9:37am

You are not crazy for doing all of this...  it helps in some weird way.  I made a spreadsheet of cell phone calls - number of hours of him talking to me v. her - number of times I called and he didn't answer because he was talking to her, etc.  I spent hours on that spreadsheet.... 

After being at this for a while, I can say that it gets better.  But I totally get it.  It is perfectly normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 10:33pm

well- I am more cyber- checked his emails and found some that just burned my eyeballs out- I think for me, the emmotional connection is the worse part-really, the day to day connection really bothers me- he is kind of hard to read, hard to communicate with so I felt so special when I broke through that wall years ago-thats when I knew we would get married, when I was the one that brought all of that out of him- to see him share that with someone else really eats away at me- I want this to work, but honestly, I am not sure I can get over it-I feel guilty (if you can believe that) that I may be leading him on and in the long run I am the one to back out-we have been married 22 years-have two amazing boys, a nice house-you know all the trappings of a suburban life-including an affair I guess- what a pile of crap this is- I say this over and over- I just want this to end, I want to stop feeling like crap, I want to be at the place where I have moved on-but it feels like I am never going to get there- UGH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 9:40pm

Oh no, we're totally crazy.  But I guess that's what happens when someone does something so horrible that it destroys the person we are and now we have to wonder who the woman who comes out of this will be.  I am bat sh*t crazy right now.

I checked the sock drawers for recipts that fell off the dresser into the drawer. Checked jacket pockets from last winter.  Went online and went through all year's worth of transactions.  I spent hours on the computer looking up sku numbers on reciepts for any purchases that were cryptic.  SD12pck.... Are those condoms?  No, Sunny Delight.  HOURS I spent looking up everything, holding old faded reciepts up to the lamp so I could make out the imprint.  And the car... oh my goodness... the car was a plethora of evidence.  Found a few reciepts and an economy sized pack of condoms he was keeping in the car.  I went through his work emails, and even hacked into his work computer website where the boss logs in his hours- what time he got there and what time he got off... to see if there were any "absent" days I was unaware of.  I haven't found anything since the initial confrontation...  but I'm definatly manic.  I plugged in his old cell phones and recharged them to check the texts.  I went through the garage.. which is his man cave.  Everytime his phone goes off it triggers me.  "Who is that? Let me see."  I have become obsessed with reciepts.  I even saw a man at walmart bending over getting sodas off the bottom shelf, and there was a reciept sticking out of his back pocket, and I had to fight the impulse to grab it and look at it!  Receipts are this HUGE trigger for me now.  My hands are cut to hell right now from all the digging under the car seats to find every last piece of paper I could.  The problem now is I'm all out of stuff to search!  There is nothing left unturned, so when I get the manic urge to search stuff, I don't have anything left.  But I also cleaned as I searched, and damn, the house has never looked better.

I'm getting a little better about obsessing over the details.  But I don't know if I'm getting better or if I'm just so emotionally exhausted my body is turning itself off.  All I can say with certainty is THANK GOD FOR XANAX!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 7:39pm

OK, so I am not crazy- I do the same thing- went through 12 months of AMEX receipts looking for her city and agonizing over every one-I feel like I want to cut to the bone and get it done-but I am quite sure I am making it harder on myself.  I am glad to hear Applejacks that I am not the only one doing this kind of self touture!  I just want this to end and feel better, I know I am kidding myself, but it does not hurt to dream does it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 1:30pm

I'm in a similiar place.  I obsess over the details.  I have become the CIA.  I go through this manic phases where I hunt for old reciepts.  That's how I busted him- with a receipt- and now evertime I see one I go crazy.  I checked EVERYTHING in the house.  Every drawer, every pocket, that hat band in his hats, Hell I even caught myself checking my own pockets.  I think that comes for the need, for me anyway, to know "Is that really it?  Or is there more that he's not telling me?  Trying to spare me."  Plus the OW has a different story than him.  So I'm trying to put together a story that makes sense in my heart.  And until I have a complete story that I feel has a beginning, middle, and end, and that makes sense, I'm going to keep driving myself crazy.

I have a question for the seasoned vets around here:  Is the worst over? I know it's going to be hard for a long long time, but it just seems like my depression is getting worse as the days go by instead of better.  I'm about 4 1/2 weeks since D-Day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 3:21pm
Thanks TMarie- that helps a lot actually- you know you hear the therapist say this and that but you wonder- what is it really like-am I actually able to do this-I am in the detail phase- for some reason I can not get enough of them- almost like I want all the hurt right now so I can get through it-I have become something I am not usually- a snoop- discovering little this and thats- my husband is being honest nearly to a fault because he promised to be honest so will answer every stupid detail question I ask-its almost like desensitizing myself to the pain- the other night we went on an overnight together and I just broke down sobbing-make it stop, make it stop, I just want this part to be over-and you know that about sums it up- I know it takes time-but crap-this really sucks-

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