JUST TIRED of all this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
JUST TIRED of all this
10
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 8:25am
Last night we talked on the bed and I asked him questions about the last 7 years. His most common answer was I don't remember. IS that normal for a guy? I have asked him to call her in front of me and
tell her no more. He says he doesn't know her NEW number with her H.
This woman emailed him almost daily but he doesn't remember her email either. Am I supposed to believe that? Do I look that stupid?
I don't have a good feeling about all this and I am tired of it. REAlLY tire of the excuses and the OH POOR ME's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 9:06am

I know how you feel. The "I don't remembers" are common, but not because they can't actually remember or make a good guess. They just don't want to give voice to all of those stupid things they did. First, they are embarrassed by them, second once those things are no longer just between them and the OW, they aren't so special anymore, third they know the BS will be hurt all over again with every single confession and they don't want to face that. He doesn't want to see your hurt because he of how he will feel when he sees that hurt. He doesn't want to face it. In a way, it is self-defense. I also think there is a bit of lack of memory. Heck, I don't remember everything that happened in the last 7 years. DH said once that some things that happened with OW just weren't really all that important to him so he doesn't remember them.

He knows her email and could easily get that phone number if he really wanted it. He is in that place where he is trying to duck responsibility. He wants to keep both of you and doesn't fully understand yet that by being fence sitter he is about to loose you. DH was there for some time and it was only when I was packing my bags that he found that illusive number to make that call. I am sorry, but it is going to take something similar for your H to make that call. He has been able to maintain both Rs up to this point, and there is nothing to make him think he can't placate and guilt you until the heat is off.

Look up the 180 and start distancing yourself from this, from him. Start implementing your exit plan. Sit down and tell him what you are doing and why. Tell him he can stop it right now if he does the things on your list immediately. If he hems and haws, tell him that is your answer. You can no longer be married to a man who is able to hurt you like this over and over again. This is not the kind of marriage you want and you will no longer settle for a man who feels that having three people in an M is acceptable. Don't argue, get up and walk away. Move his stuff out of your room and call your lawyer. Follow through. Otherwise this will be your life for a long time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 10:21am
I know all this and have a lawyer. But we have a large estate, been married 31 years and it's not all that easy to pull out of this. We own 2 homes so he can go live in the old house that's for sale. There is no way I am giving up my home. He says it's over but I've heard the same story 3 times.
S
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 11:47am

Yes, three times you drew a line in the sand and he stepped over it with impunity because he has learned from your past behavior that you will come to trust him again and he will be able to step over that line again. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. What did you tell him would happen if he did it again? Follow through, or he will just do it again and again. It is completely predictable. Up to this point his love for you has not stopped him. Why should it now? The only thing that will stop this madness is some real and painful consequences. So, make him move and start the process. You may not need to follow through to the end, but he needs to know that you are dead serious about not allowing this in your life anymore. Up to now, you have taught him and her they just has to be patient and wait for your guard to go down. It is time to teach them something else.

Have you talked to her H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 12:17pm
Yes I did finally call her and tell her to leave my family alone.
Obviously, she has a screw loose because she is just married and still persuing my H. She is obsessed with him! They dated in the 70's when he was on the road in MI. I don't think she will ever go away. Just leave for a bit them come back looking for more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 12:58pm

I hate to be so blunt, but it sounds like your husband has that same screw loose as his OW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 1:54pm
And unless he deleted all her e-mails, he would have her e-mail addy in his incoming e-mails. Ask him to show you his e-mail account(s) Unless he has a separate one he uses just for her it will be there. My H had a bunch of e-mails from OW in his work e-mail account that he never thought I would see, until he accidentally left it open one day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 2:43pm
He emailed her from work. He was smart enough to know I'd catch him but not smart enough to stay away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 5:22pm

I think affairs cause a disease called selective memory.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 5:25pm

No, He's very smart!!! He just doesn't HAVE to stay away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 7:50am
It's more coming to the realization that the ex ow DID NOT mean that much to him. It was a fling, his bad period.
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