A kind note to betrayed spouses from one who has been there

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
A kind note to betrayed spouses from one who has been there
11
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 3:51am

I found out my husband had been cheating on me, from what I believe to be an act of God.  One day I simply got an idea in my head for no apparent reason, to check our phone bill.  My husband traveled a lot for his business, but I never ever suspected anything until that seed of questioning was, out of the blue, placed in my head.

I checked the phone bill in front of me and sure enough there were many many calls to a single number.  My heart raced and I became so nauseated.  Something inside of me told me there was something very wrong, despite the fact I had NEVER suspected a thing. I called the number and immediately recognized the voice.  His secretary.

I immediately drove the two and one-half hours away to confront him. (But first, of course, I dressed up in a sexy dress and high heels).  I went flying into his office screaming mad.  He took me by the elbow and led me outside where he admitted he had been having a year long intimate relationship with his 19 year old secretary,  (I was 25 and he was 31).  I wanted to run back inside and assualt that secretary, but restrained myself and drove the two and one half hours home.

I was absolutely devasted.  I could not work, eat, bathe, anything.  I thought to myself: why would he choose this young, skinny, ignorant, ugly, poor girl over me?  I was everything she was not: pretty, social, smart, well-educated, etc.

I spent hours, days going thru his credit card statements in which i found receipts for Victoria's Secret, flowers, and water, electric and heating payments for her apartment.  I drank day and night, and splipped into near maddness trying to figure out what she had that I didn't.

Finally, I decided to see a psychiatrist.  He put me on Paxil and recommended group counseling as well as individual counseling.  I stuck with it and within three to four weeks, I began to see things much clearer.  I was again reasonable and could analyze the situation with clarity.

What I realized first of all was that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.  I was a great person and a good  'catch'.  I also concluded that this young,unattractive, rather ignorant girl was providing the intangable things to my husband that I was not.

This girl spent time listening to my husband's problems.  She made him feel like he was special because her focus was entirely on him.  She gazed at him in awe for his intelligence and position.  And of course she liked the cash flow.

As much as I hated this little whore, I realized that it had been a long time since I gave my husband a chance to 'tell me about your day".  I was a professioonal myself and had my own agenda.  I also realized that he was not my focus, he was just my accessory.  By the time he got home in the evenings, I was tired and uninterested in his day, his problems, his accomplishments.  And I was way too tired for sex.

Turns out, I finally realized what he needed.  But not at the expense of my self-respect.  I simply began to think about how if I were him, what I would want in a partner to make me happy and complete.

In the end, he really didn't need all that much.  He liked a hug when he came in the door and a chance at some point to tell me about his day. He enjoyed snuggling with me and began staying home more and more for business,  He needed me to throw him a compliment now and then and plan a nice night out for the two of us once a week. He enjoyed the little things I would suggest like a walk in the park, building a snowman, taking a bubble bath. In return, I evenually got a fired secretary.  Not only that but I got a man who to this day treats me like a princess.  He and I make it a priority to spend time together alone once or twice a week, despite having four beautiful  busy children.

So I guess my point here is several-fold: Firstly: trust your instincts.  Oddly enough they (your instincts) can guide you, but you must have some sort of proof as well.  Secondly, if you suspect cheating, confront your spouse, but not with knife in hand.  Try to be as calm as possible, but also have solid evidence in hand.  If you don't have evidence, don't confront. 

Then decide. Do you want this man back or not?  In my case, I was desperate to have my man back initially.  BUt after my meds and counseling kicked in I was in a much stronger position to determin the situation on my own terms.

Bottom line: My husband and I have worked thru the affair and have now been married 20 years.  BUT I do not ever take him for granted, and he in turn does not take me for granted either.  This meaning we appreciate each others presence everyday of our lives.  We give what it is we want to receive.  

Hope this helps.  Big warm hugs and much love.

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

   Finally some one who gets it.  I have been waiting for some one to write not about how they blackmailed and browbeat but got the bottom line. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Great post!  I am very lucky that my husband's infidelity didn't cross over into a physical affair (lots of nasty texts/phone calls to a much younger former co-worker who lives in another state) but I totally understand how I had to look inward when I found out.  She was giving him something that I wasn't - attention.  I am not even a month into recovering from this and he has been great and done all the right things but I know it is going to take a long, long time to fully recover from the pain.  I can truly say we are stronger and better now - maybe than we ever were.  It can happen but both partners have to fully invest themselves in it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

Well said. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Thank you for posting this. As of March 28, 2013, I will have survived one year of the pain of his revelation that he had a 6 month affair with a much younger co-worker. This road has been very long and full of emotion. Much like yourself, I was focusing on our children and other items and not him. I hope and pray I can continue to be strong through this. How long did it take you to stop thinking about it? How long did it take you to feel whole again? I am not whole again, but I am much further along on this journey then I was when he first told me.
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

And yet all this time, I've been waiting for you to pull down that insulting photo from your tagline.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

?

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I'm so glad that you are happy now. But one thing that bothers me is your comments about what your H needed.  It sounds as though you blame yourself because he felt 'neglected' and therefore, had an A.  Instead of addressing any issues he may or may not have had, HE made a conscious decision to have an A. You say you worked also; did he listen to you, ask about your day, etc.? The A was HIS choice and your supposed lack of listening or coddling him was NO excuse.  People cheat because they want to, not because they NEED to. He did it, he owns it and it was not your fault that he chose to have an A.

 You refer to his AP as the "little whore" (and believe me, I have NO sympathy for her whatsoever), but she wasn't the only 'whore' in the A.  He was in it, too, and he was the one who made the commitment to you, not her.   So then she gets fired and he gets to stay on in his position I assume?  Like his AP, I have no sympathy for him either. 

Again, I'm glad that you're happy with the way things turned out. I just hope that your post doesn't give others false hope where there is none regarding a cheating spouse.  I also hope that they aren't mislead to think its their fault that their spouse cheated.  Oftentimes, we can give what we want to receive but if the other person isn't willing to take responsibility for their actions, its a mute point. You can give and give and not receive like in return.

 Myself, I am happily divorced from my cheating exH of 20 years. I've just seen so many posts like this over the years that give newbies false hope only to have it all fall apart in the end and they wind up more devastated and depressed.  I'm sure you meant nothing but kindness but I still sense that you feel some misplaced responsibility in your H's A. Don't!  I wish you all the best.   GW

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
I tried to post a reply yesterday but it went into cyberspace. I agree that you seem to be blaming yourself and the things he lacked in the M for him having an A. Many ppl are in bad M and are not getting what they need from their spouse and don't cheat. I also agree that fixing what is wrong in a M and creating a M where you both are getting what you need doesn't necessarily A proof your M. Our M was (I thought) wonderful. We were each other's best friends (I thought) and we didn't have anything that needed fixing. My DH had an A because he needed fixing. My DH's A was all on him and he took 100% responsibility for HIS actions. My DH went through intense T and found out why he gave himself permission to cheat. He found that deep monster that had been hidden within himself that made him crave attention from another woman who was a desperate as he was to fill a void within themselves. My DH did the hard work on himself. We also had M counseling and I learned to forgive and my DH learned how to communicate and tell me when he is feeling insecure. I don't condone nor do I understand women who knowingly mess around with MM men. They are scum IMHO but so are MM who knowingly sleep with women other than their wives without giving their wives an opportunity to leave a M where she is sharing her H. I let my DH know on D Day five years ago that I will NEVER share him and if he wanted me in his life he had better find out what was going on with him. Well, he did. My DH found that his neediness for female attention came from a childhood where his mother had several children (including him) from MM. His view on fidelity was all jacked up. We had been M 15 years before he cheated but he confessed that he had poor boundaries with OW and skirted around getting his ego boosted from OW a lot more than he should have. I think it is wonderful that you and your DH have created a solid M and I wish you luck but please make sure that he assesses himself thoroughly and determine what really caused him to cheat. You two are in the honeymoon phase now but when that is over another monster will raise its head in your M if your DH doesn't deal with his real issues. For us, our M was great before my DH's A but now it is even better and we are enjoying each other immensely. My DH is my best friend and my awesome lover and we are united front against outside influences. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2013

I just found out my husband has been cheating. He said it was only a month or 2, but I went and got a print out of our cell phone billsback to the first of the year. He finially told me they started talking in Oct 2012, but didn't start sleeping with each other until about a month ago. He slept with this same women in his first marriage 20 years ago. We have been married 13 years. This woman is not married at the moment. I know her face, have spoken to her in passing. I have always her that she gives "good head". she s seeing other married men as well. my husband has begged for my forgiveness, but I'm not sure I can get over this. Can someone please talk to me, I'm going crazy here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

Thank you all for your responses.  I read each and every one.  I guess my post was meant to give hope to some.  But I absolutely recognize that not all relationships should continue.  Trust me, I called my cheating husband every dirty filthy name in the book, and hated the ground he walked on, but I somehow moved on..., Because I believe hate and anger and jealousy takes up too much of my heart and thats all I could focus on.  My Husband did horrendous things like letting that little tramp sleep in our bed.  She used my bathroom and I know this because I found a cigarette of hers and her nasty long hair in my shower.  But Im saying I could forgive.  I hated my husband, but after about eight months, I had to stop berating him.  For some reason I really loved him.. But I don't mean to suggest that this is right for everyone, and some pieces of shit husbands don't deserve a second chance.  My deepest feelings go out to all of us who face these horrible challanges.  Hugs, Chilene.

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