Last to know

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Last to know
14
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 9:24am

I met my wife on line in a chat room, we became good friends for over a year, and then decided to meet. We fell in love, she moved to my city and we were married in the islands in a destination wedding. To be with her more, I taught her to golf. She now

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2010
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:05am

If you are not already, you need to get yourself into some good counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:49am

I do not think I need counseling. I am doing OK. I am looking for opinions here. She still wears her rings, and is keeping me on her insurance.


I think she didnt really want to leave or move out, I think I just caught her. I had told her when we first met, I have zero tolarence for cheating. I think she left , at my suggestion, but didnt really want to. I think she was embarrassed beyond belief. Why else would she leave, take nothing, still wear her rings AND keep me on her insurance. We always got along famously, I mean really enjoyed each others company. This is a mystery to me and our friends.


Could have just been lust? The guy she is with is so not her type physically.


He reports to her everyday,for work purposes, and she helped him thru a nasty divorce as a friend. Obviously a relationship formed.


The question I am asking my self is, do I take her back, if or when she wants to come back. Obviously the trust is gone and that is a tough one for me.


Do I move on because of my distain of cheating and the issues its brings to a marriage.


I still lover her dearly, but I also dislike her very much right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 12:37pm

"The question I am asking my self is, do I take her back, if or when she wants to come back. Obviously the trust is gone and that is a tough one for me.


Do I move on because of my distain of cheating and the issues its brings to a marriage."


These are the exact things counseling will help you answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 12:40pm

Hello humpdaddy. Welcome to our unfortunate club. So sorry you are going thru this. I found out about my H affair 1yr ago Friday. My H ended it the day after I found out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 12:56pm

Hi humpdaddy, IMHO if your W is not doing everything in her power to rebuild your M with you it is time to let go. Marriage counseling is so important and if she refuses to do that how would you rebuild? She probably needs IC to discover what within her allowed her to step outside of the marriage.

I went to IC for myself and it really helped me. My exh's A was also a shock to me and we were only married 2 years when he started. Everyone must make their own decisions on that. I do know that it is not possible to be the only one in your marriage. If she can't commit to that what is the point? Maybe if you start to take the steps forward to rebuild your life without her, like speak to an attorney, organizing your paperwork and even filing, she might realize what she has done and come to her senses. If she doesn't, you just deserve better than that and it is time to move on.

After what I suffered with my now exh I will not put up with infidelity ever again. I'm gone, no questions asked. If someone has such little respect or empathy for my feelings that they can sneak around and lie in an affair they are not worth my precious love or time in my life! Life is short! This is just my opinion and everyone has a right to their own.

Good luck to you!, hugs, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 1:17pm

Ollie, that is exactly how I feel. Thanks for your comments. I think when a person cheats, they obviously are not the same person we fell in love with. We are in love with who we thought they were.


I still can not figure out why she still wears her rings, and wants to keep me on her insurance. Does she actually think this is a trial separation? She has never even mentioned the D word. She has inferred this is permanent.


She says her feelings for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 1:55pm

"She says her feelings for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 2:19pm

not something you can answer right now. it is too fresh. be there for her and support her as she gets out of the fog. after a while, you will realize you know the answer already.. just have to wait and let things settle a little bit.. in situations like this, we all want to have answers now, but we can't have them because it is not time yet.

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 2:54pm

You should go here http://bssgiv.tripod.com/

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
In reply to: humpdaddy
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 7:42pm

Hi Humpdaddy, You are right they are not the people we married! In my case my ex presented himself as someone who he is not. I found out after the fact that I am not the only woman he has financially taken to the cleaners and had an A on. Oh well, life goes on. My ex was a master at the loving cards and words of love but they are just that with him--words! I found numerous emails and notes to his OW saying the exact same things! Yuck! So I say to any BS--don't listen to what they say, watch what they do! Actions speak volumes! Words mean nothing coming from a cheater.

My ex's OW lived very far away but whenever my exh was out of town he made arrangements to see her. It doesn't matter how many times a spouse sees their OW. Once is too many! EA's are just as damaging. I agree with thinkingman. Check out the 180 and implement it.

One thing I regret in dealing with my ex's A is that I spent too much time hoping, praying and waiting to take the next step and move on with my life. I am sure everyone has their own time frame for making such major decisions in their lives but I know I spent too much time in the anger and sadness. I can't go back now only forward and I am. My life now, 2 1/2 years after separation is so much better. I am starting over with my life at the age of 49 and I'm doing just fine! One step at a time, right?

An attorney will tell you where you stand as far as money issues. I always recommend a BS see an attorney even if they don't divorce in the end. Check out all your options and responsibilities. Lay your cards on the table and see what happens but above all take care of yourself--someone has too!!

hang in there, Ollie

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