Last Week's Nightmare

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Last Week's Nightmare
14
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 9:09pm

My husband and I have been together for a total of 10 years, 3 of those years being married and we have a 4 year old daughter (wedding planning was put on hold when we found out we were pregnant). Last year, he lost his job and only a few weeks later was lucky enough to be hired on by another company. Everything was going wonderfully and it wasn't until about the middle of June when my spidey-sense started going off. Suddenly, he was getting a lot of texts. That was fine, at first. Then he became secretive about them and I would look at his phone when he was asleep at night and they would all be deleted. Unfortunately for my husband, I am much more tech savvy than him and 2 weeks later, I looked at who the last text was sent to. It was a woman he worked with, not the guy friend he was supposedly texting. So I confronted him about it. He told me she was having problems with her boyfriend and she needed someone to vent to and since he was the only guy at work not trying to get in her pants, he seemed like a nice enough guy to talk to. I told him she should know better and if it's that innocent, don't hide it from me. I also told him that if it's such a problem, she should get out of the relationship.

The texting continued, but now when I asked who it was he would tell me if it was her or not. My sense of dread kept growing, however. The texts were still being deleted. Finally, I took his phone without him knowing and changed the settings to save every sent message last week. I found out why he was deleting the texts. I'm not sure I would classify it as sexting as there was nothing to do with sex, but it was certainly leading up to an affair. He said he 'wasn't sure she'd ever wanted him to make a move, that he would need a little coaxing,' and the cherry on top was they would 'need to find a time when her boyfriend was working and they weren't'. I exploded and at 3am in the morning, that's a scary thing.

My husband paced and shook as I repeatedly asked how he had dared to try and think he could ever hide something from me. He was pale and then he got angry, saying he was an idiot, a douche and how dare I do that to him as it was his phone. Sadly, I broke down and asked how this could happen, more to myself than to him and he said he was an idiot for letting it start. I explained that I wasn't asking about that, I was asking myself why I let him break my heart. That dropped him to his knees. I surprised not only him, but myself when I stopped crying after only a few minutes and put up a wall. I made him tell me everything that happened and he did, explicitly. I made sure he spared no detail. Nothing close to sex ever happened. Around 7am, I made him text the other woman and tell her that I knew everything. After that, I transferred every text from his phone to mine. The other woman texted back, asking how much I knew and he explained what everything meant. He told her I had the texts. Suddenly, she said that all texts between them would stop. I made sure I spoke to her later and explained that if she ever texted my husband again, I would tell her boyfriend and everyone at their work exactly what the two of them did. It surprised the hell out of me when she said she confessed everything to her boyfriend and when my husband went to work the next day, he confirmed it. He and her boyfriend had a conversation about it.

As I said, this all went down last week and I told my husband that if he ever did anything near to this again, we were done. He repeatedly promised he wouldn't, but I explained to him that I will never trust him as I did. He is still trying to make amends and the biggest one is leaving his phone sitting around and saving every text that is sent and received. He also deleted her contact info from his phone and tells me to check his phone when he gets a text or whenever I want.

It still hurts though and I still cry about it, but not around him. I want to make sure he doesn't see me weak and realizes that I can and will go on without him if it comes down to it. I just wonder if I made the right decision to keep our marriage intact. I keep telling him not to make me regret my decision, but I keep having second thoughts and think I should have just thrown his a** out and let her deal with him. I honestly need some help and I know someone on here has been through the same thing.

June 28th was my D-Day. This past week has been really hard on me, trying to keep myself together for the sake of my daughter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 4:49pm
Welcome seems like a crummy word to use on this board. But, I can say to you that this is a really good place for you to come to. The ladies (and a few guys) are a great reference source and a great venting source as well.
Good for you for following your gut and identifying and taking charge of a problem. Part of me wishes I would of done more spying before I exploded on my husband so I know that I would know everything. My H has had 2 EAs (with the same person) and 1 PA. After ALOT of counseling and psychological care we identified a lot of his problems and some that were our problems as well. I am only 6 months out and can say that my H has been very open and answers any questions I have. So long as your H does that, you will heel I believe. Plus, I also think you have a good gut feeling and you will know soon enough if you are making the right decision.

Prayers for you and your marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 07-10-2011 - 1:05am

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this kind of betrayal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 11:28am

I agree with GW, do not believe the boyfriend knows unless you verify for yourself

you cannot trust these 2 to tell you the truth right now

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2011
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 2:30pm

My husband has been cheating off and on for 13 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 7:58pm
Ahhh, if you are military I know what benefits you are waiting for. And I would say that so long as you can live with it those benefits are REALLY good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 9:05pm

Galeright,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 7:19am

GW,

Believe it or not, it never crossed my mind that my CH and the OW could make up the story that my H spoke with her BF. I think maybe I just wanted to believe something he said so badly, I jumped on the first thing I could. I will definitely be keeping a much closer eye on him and his phone to make doubly sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 1:13am
I can understand that. I, too, wanted to believe my XH and it appeared he was cutting off all contact with the OW. But as I said, he wasn't; he just got a secret prepaid phone so that I couldn't check the calls. As a matter of fact, he would just switch the SIM card from the prepay to his other cell when he wanted to contact her. That way there was no chance that I would find another phone and know for certain he was still involved with her. Ppl on this board told me he might get a prepaid cell but to be honest, I didn't think he was smart enough to even think of it, much less deceitful enough. If there was any way possible, I would contact the OW's BF and find out if your H talked to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 5:48pm

Seriously? Really? Honestly?

I couldn't believe what my H told me when he called during his break at work. Yes, he really is trying to tell me everything that is going on, but does he think I'm really going to care? Here's the convo:

H: "So, guess who I saw today?"

Me: "I don't know, who?"

H: "I saw (insert OW's name) and she looked sick. Like, nauseous sick."

Me: "Okay,"

H: "Yeah, apparently she's been stressed out about something and when she's gets really stressed she gets sick to her stomach."

Me: "Well, it's not my problem. I don't care."

H: "I know you don't, I just thought you might want to know."

So that was the whole conversation and I'm wondering one of two things now. A - Is my

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 10:19am

Right, so the whole thing about the OW being nauseous was because of something that happened to her and her mom. House problems. So sad, too bad.

I always knew Karma and I were close friends because whenever someone does wrong by me, Karma is swift to take action and bite the offending party in the a**. Example: While the whole EA between my H and the OW was going on, my H had applied for a promotion. Guess what? He didn't get it and someone who had less experience than my H did get it. And now the problems for the OW.

Here, take a look at this dash:

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