left my husband, cannot forget this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
left my husband, cannot forget this
14
Thu, 07-23-2009 - 2:07am

I left my husband about 2 months ago. I have always had this nagging suspicion that my husband cheated while working out of town. He would work out of town for four days out of the week and come home weekends for about 3 months, from last December to March. In our relationship I didn't once suspect that he cheated until this...

In February I paid his phone bill online. Oddly enough I was watching something on tv talking about how to catch your husband and / or spouse cheating. They gave all these tips as to what cheating looks like, and what behaviors to look for. I kind of laughed, but thought I better be safe and just look at his bill. This motivated me to look through the numbers on his bill (sadly his texts don't show number on the bill), what I found sickens me to this day. I found a phone number that had been called twice between 10:15 and 10:30 the night before. I had never seen this number before, it was the area code he was working in. Oddly, the night before he told me he went to bed at 8:30. I called the number. A girl picked up she said she was a bartender and my husband frequented this bar (I had no idea he didn't tell me). She said she knew that he only had a gf and he had no wife. She did not mention whether or not he was wearing his wedding band. She stated nothing had happened between them and that she was a lesbian in a serious relationship. She said he never went there to pick up on girls or anything.

I called him, freaking out, he said he couldn't remember calling her, and said nothing had happened. I asked him why he lied to me about going out, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings". I told him that I would never go out, alone, to a bar and call the bartender later that night. I told him he was setting himself up in a situation to cheat. I was in so much shock that he had not only been lying about going to bars and spending all the money we needed for bills, but had also lied about this girl. He had to work out of town for about a month after that. The anxiety killed me every night. I wondered if he was out at a bar, every single night. I cried myself to sleep with worry.

To this day this situation still bothers me. I left my husband, not for cheating, but for his alcoholism and him being abusive. For some reason I will never know the truth about what happened between him and this girl. I will never know if NOTHING happened or if there was some kind of relationship between them. I was THIS close to driving up there and going into that bar to confront her and get the truth. I feel as though I'm being paranoid, that she was lying to cover his tracks or something. Since that time I constantly felt lied to and I was suspicious. He told me he would never cheat on me and to give him a second chance. For some reason I want to know the truth about this but never will. I have no idea how to let go. I feel like from then on, trust couldn't be built back up on my part. I also felt as though he was deleting phone calls and texts. I have so many suspicions. I don't know if it was or is all in my head. Maybe he covered his tracks really well, or maybe he is just a really good liar. I'm not sure. How do you let go....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 07-23-2009 - 10:00am

I_amity I'm so sorry you're here but glad you've found a place where people understand what you're going through and care.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-23-2009 - 10:38am
Welcome to the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Thu, 07-23-2009 - 12:53pm

First of all, congratulations for having the strength to leave an abusive situation. Know that, no matter what happened with your H and other women, you have made a wise choice for yourself.

You know there was some sort of relationship with this other woman. Why else would he have her number? Why else would he call her? Why else would he call her in secrecy. I think this is why your instincts are telling you there's something amiss. (By the way, I heard the "she's a lesbian" line. I think some people use it because they think it's a sure-fire way to side-track you.) Now, what the nature of that relationship was with her or with anyone else during that time, you'll probably never know, and I understand that that is the difficult part for you.

Really though, one of the tough things about betrayal for any of us is that we expect to be the intimate part of our spouses intimate life, and instead we are quite purposely excluded from it when betrayal occurs. Because of that, that feeling of not knowing is something we all feel to some extent. I know names, places, even some dates and specific acts, but no matter how many questions my H answers, I will still feel, to some extent, that I don't REALLY know. I don't really know why. I don't really know what he was like with other women. I don't really know what he said to them and how. I don't really know what was going on in his head. So, although some of us have more information than you, just realize that regardless of what happens, I believe that you would never have the answer to ALL of your questions anyway. At some point you just have to realize that the WS chose to operate in secrecy and that can never be undone.

I think the suggestions you have gotten from other posters are great. Other than that, I would just suggest you start the long process of letting go, and that you feel proud of yourself for making a wise decision based on the things you did know.

I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 12:44am

That little voice in your head is telling you things are not quite what they seem, or should be.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 5:48am

You put everything exactly right. After all that happened I avoided knowing the truth. I could've checked his cell phone records again a million times but I didn't. I just sat in denial and ignored it all. Okay, right now, I am sitting here knowing he is STILL lying to me at this moment. He claims that since I left him he hasn't slept with anyone else, he swears on everything he loves. THEN he says that even if he is it isn't my business. WOW. Even though him and I aren't together I can piece together when he is sleeping with someone else, and how often he's with that person. It is like a cycle. Every two weeks or so he'll text me being really nice (probably because he was rejected or rejected some girl) telling me he wants to talk to me, and that I'm hot, blah blah blah. Then he'll say he needs space. A week after I left him I went to his house to get the rest of my stuff and found condoms in the bathroom. They weren't used, but when I lived there condoms were never just lying around. We had them in a specific area for back up purposes only. That was a HUGE red flag. I don't even want to know who has been sleeping in my old bed, playing with my dogs, and walking around naked in that house. I think knowing any of that will make me literally throw up. I know if I looked at anything in his phone right now I would know the ugly truth. But I don't want to.

He is still lying to me, but now he has nothing to lose if he is truthful with me. He still can't be honest. I can feel it in my gut when he is acting strange and when he is hiding something. His entire posture changes, his voice, everything. I can read him so well and it scares him. Sadly right now I know whats going on, and I act like I buy his lies so he can feel more guilty. I won't call him on it or act like I know anything, when really I do. I don't understand how a person can create a web of lies and keep track of them all. The way he used to get out of things and the way I would never find anything out was the "I don't know" answer. He would ignore me if I inquired any more after he answered I don't know. He avoided every question I ever asked about cheating. I was always told to let it go, and quit starting drama. He is the most selfish person I've ever met in my life. Everything is done on his terms, with no regard for anyone else.

Whoever he is seeing now can have all his baggage, and alcoholic problems, and depression. I hope they like it. Deep down I wonder if he ever feels bad for anything he does. He has himself so tangled up that I think all of it is making him spiral more downward. He will never tell me the truth about anything that went on or is going on. He wants to look like the good guy at all times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 8:26am

I think these posts said it very well.


Your question, how do you let it go - That's something so many struggle with. It is difficult when we still have questions. I know that from experience. Look at the big picture, though. He cheated. He lied. That's enough to know that what he did was wrong. Try to let it go by looking forward instead of backward. Place the things you want in your future, in your mind's eye. Make it a beautiful future. Now, go get it. It's waiting for you.


Easier said than done, I know, but at the same time, you may find it still was easier than you had feared it would be, and we're all here for you. It really does help so much.


One thing more I will comment on - The lesbian. That must be a new excuse men are using. Maybe they think it's a new one, and so it will work. My WH once told me the same thing. He went so far as to have his sister tell me that the lesbian came on to her! I responded with, "Well, that's strange, because I checked, and that lesbian has now gone back to her husband!" (It was true.) His answer? "Well, she was bi." They sometimes can never admit the truth, even when it's shoved in their faces!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 3:55pm
If he's sleeping with others, it isn't your business?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 8:18pm
I absolutely do not want to stay married to him, because first and foremost I don't trust him. Second of all he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore he made that very clear. I moved out of the house and have been back to see him a few times but other than that a relationship doesn't exist, except on paper. He is not honest. There could be a million things going on right now that I am not supposed to know about, so he will make sure I don't. Awhile ago, about 3 months ago, before I left him he was wanting us to get the internet. I have a computer but he doesn't. We didn't get it because we were going to move out of that crappy house anyway. I have a feeling if we did things would've gotten worse in regards to cheating and distrust. However, him never doing anything in regards to the internet makes me have less proof about my suspicions. He told me he WILL NOT change, he doesn't want to (in regards to his lazy passive aggressive behaviors). He told me he doesn't want a relationship right now with anyone (as in a serious one). I know I don't want to be with him, unless he goes to counseling and makes a full turn around with the alcoholism and communication issues. Sadly I don't think I'm enough for him to make a change within himself. He is comfortable being depressed and alone. He also went so far as to tell me that getting a divorce on grounds of adultery doesn't happen anymore (basically covering his ass). His boss is getting a divorce too and I know they are talking about it. He is stupid and is getting bad advice. I told him that if I catch him sleeping with someone else it will get ugly in court. He totally got defensive saying it didn't matter that adultery isn't considered anymore. Sadly he is a very gullible person and I could play all kinds of games and he wouldn't even know it. He won't change. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants me in his life, but only for selfish reasons. He doesn't want to be committed or married to me but wants me around when its convenient for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 8:46pm
Thank you for your response. This is strange, before he left to go out of town, I had this nagging suspicion that things weren't gonna go right. We also had an issue when I found porn in the house and clearly asked him not to bring it around so I could find it. He said, "If anything porn prevents cheating". WHAT?!?!?! That comment told me that if porn was not enough he would cheat. Porn isn't real, its fantasy, so what next ... INEVITABLY it would be cheating or flirting with the idea of cheating. My STBX always always wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wants his wife at home paying bills and cooking dinner and giving him sex what HE wants. But he also wants to go out and look at other women and talk to them and god knows what else. All I know is, he lost a really great person. I treated him with love and respect as much as possible. I always was honest and opened the doors of communication. I could print out every phone bill and email I've ever sent to anyone and there's not even a hint of cheating or even attraction in any of my texts or emails or calls. Sadly if I looked at everything he's ever done I would probably find more than I know about now. That contrast is really what bothers me. I have nothing to hide, while he has everything to hide. I don't understand why that love and respect and FAITHFULNESS couldn't be reciprocated. I am on a long road to letting go, but all these questions without answers make it very difficult to accept.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sat, 07-25-2009 - 12:50am

Thank you for your kindness on my post "feels like death" while you yourself are suffering too.

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