Long story..Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Long story..Need advice
6
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 9:26am
I think I posted here when I was suspicious but I haven't since I've found out that my DH was definitely having an EA and, in my opinion, it was also probably physical. Of course, he denies it. In early December, I left a tape recorder running (for the first time ever) in our bedroom. When I listened to the conversation, he was telling the other OW how beautiful she was and that he loved her and wanted to be with her. Bear in mind this is his best friend's wife. I, of course, didn't hear her end of the conversation. He swears that she never said anything like that to him and that was the first time that he had ever said that to her and that it had only been going on for about a month. I had accused him several times of having feelings for her because I could tell that he acted differently when he was around her. I had felt that way for at least 2 years. I found a note hidden and folded very tiny in his wallet that said Love You! Be Ready! He doesn't know how it wound up in his wallet. I was up at 4 AM going through his wallet looking for anything that might be a clue as to what was going on. He actually had the nerve to accuse me of putting that note in his wallet. I of course had not done it. He hit the roof because I was snooping but if I hadn't snooped I wouldn't have known what was going on. I have asked for cell phone records and received one month's worth since the middle of December that, of course, had nothing on it. He has lied to me time and time again. I so badly want to make things work but he adamantly denies me access to these records. Am I wrong for demanding access to his cell phone records? In my mind after all that has happened and if he wants this marriage to work, his life should be an open book to me (both his past and the future.) One thing complicating matters is that his cell phone is paid for by the small business that he owns with his his dad and brother. His mom does the books so I have no access at all to these records. To summarize, I feel sure that he is lying about a lot of things and still trying to hide things from me but his refusal to give up the cell phone records might just be the dealbreaker for me. I love him and want things to work but I just can't deal with always wondering if he is still talking to her, etc. We have three children together and I don't want to give up on things too easily. Any and all advice is welcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 12:19pm
Was the note in his handwriting? Was it a note he planned on giving her? Or was it a note he received from her? You do have a right to see the cell phone logs. The fact that he won't give them to you is not good because you are right, he should now be an open book. Does OW H know about the recording? Are you good enough friends with him to ask him to check her cell phone records on his end?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 12:24pm

He cheated on you, continues to lie to you, won't take responsibility for his betrayal, and is not interested in rebuilding as he continues to lie and hide things from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 1:58am

I think if he won't be transparent to you, there is no marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 7:03am
Thanks for the replies. To answer a few questions, I think the note was in her handwriting. I compared it to a couple of thank you notes that I had received. I did a ton of work helping her with her daughter's wedding a year or so ago and had held on to the thank you note. I'm no handwriting expert but they are somewhat similar. He still denied it. I am not the best of friends with her husband but I have been so tempted to tell him but haven't. Hubby and I have spoken to our pastor on several occasions. He pointblank told hubby that he had screwed things up and it was going to take a long time for me to ever trust him. Yesterday, when we discussed the phone records, he encouraged hubby to allow me access and he says that he will but then I have to try to get over everything. He also told me that there was no need to cause problems in another marriage at this time. We have enough problems of our own. However, I called OW last week and she gave me the same story as hubby and told me that I didn't have anything to worry about with her. I just can't bring myself to believe all of this but I know that if I am going to make things work with hubby, I am going to have to get some peace about all of these things. Complicating matters is that hubby and best friend are in the fire department together. If I tell his BF, I'm sure hubby's fire department days are over. He loves it and I really don't want to see that. Also, I have outed him to both our families. His dad had been kept in the dark until this week and he said that he told him he would kick his a#$ if he saw him with her. His mom has known all along but I think that it is her encouragement that has kept the phone records from coming out in the open. Hubby says that she says that I am too computer smart to allow me to see the records. I guess that's the way MILs are. Oh well, THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE WORDS OF WISDOM!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 3:37pm

hi there,


i'm a bit confused about your post but what i understand is that your dh had an affair for a month with his bf's wife from the fire department.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 11:37am

He has to be an open book to you from now on.