Looking for answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Looking for answers
41
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 9:41am
Hi there, I just found out(last week) that my husband had a fling with one of his employees back in Oct/Nov. I had been suspicious of something for months so I snooped constantly. I found one draft email to her and he confessed with this one bit of proof. He says they never went 'all the way' but how can I believe someone that has been lying to me for a long time about lots of things not just this. His explanation is that he 'bottomed out' because he's been so unhappy at his job and our move to a new state where we don't really know anyone or even like it here for that matter. He says this other woman constantly called him and nagged him. I know this is probably true because after he hired her she even called our house. She sounded very unstable and desperate. Why would my husband meet her after work? He had to fire her for suspicion of drug use and she just could not do the work. He had heard from other supervisors how horrible she was so he had to let her go. I just don't understand why he would jeopardize our marriage for this very desperate unstable woman? Its like he lost his mind. I cant wrap my brain around this choice he made. We have only been married a year, last week was our anniversary and now valentines day is coming. I should be happy on my 1st anniversary not starting from scratch and waking up in tears. My husband agreed to got to couples counseling and we have our first an appt. next week. I just cant understand his behavior. Does anyone understand this situation? Does this make any kind of sense to anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:07am

I just posted my story in response to another question, but here it is in a nutshell:

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:24am
Thanks for the advice, it helped to hear your experience. You are right about everything you said. It wont make any kinda real 'sense.' I guess its impossible to get logic out of this and not fair to myself to keep trying to get some out of this mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:28am

Glad I could help.

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:36am
Wow that must be difficult,and take a tremendous amount of strength. Thanks I really appreciate your kindness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 3:53pm
just over a year into the marriage my husband took 2 lovers while I was pregnant
it will not make sense
he is messed up
he is not the man you wished he was
IF you stay with him use it as a way to get everything you ever wanted from the relationship (what a price to pay - what we wanted the most - truth and justice)
we are doing ok but it is VERY HARD
if we did not have a son I would not be here nor would he I am sure
immaturity
a character flaw
to be treated like a FOOL
it just hurts so damn bad that the ONE person you devote yourself to is not very observant of the things that really matter in life and is not very discriminating on who they share their bodily fluids with, nor who they expose your too
it is maddening
dday was two years ago and it still hurts like hell and reigns my brain
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 1:27pm
I am having a really hard time not obsessing about it, I keep asking him the same questions over and over or I think of new ones. I just dont believe anything he says now, even if he was telling the truth.... How do you stop thinking about it? I have these horrible images in my mind now.... How do I stop my mind?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 1:54pm
Hon you just found out last week. You need to give yourself a lot more time than that to get over this. It sounds to me like this woman was throwing herself at him and he eventually took advantage of it. I think most men are weak when it comes to saying no to a woman that continually comes on to them. Have you thought about counseling to help you get thru this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 2:02pm
Yes were are going to our first session on Wed. I cant wait....I just need something right now, some kind of educated advice, some kind of help. I feel posessed and crazy right now. All I want to do is talk about this OW and how it happened as if something will make sense to me or make it more clear. I work in a university with literally hundreds of horny college boys, I'm only in my early 30's, do you know how many opportunities they're are here????? Why am I strong enough to brush off flirtations and advances? My self esteem is lower than his most of the time. I just don't get it!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 2:03pm

I know exactly how you feel. My DH had an A for 8 months with some skeezer who worked at a satilite office in a foreign country. I cannot for the life of me begin to understand how he could have done that with some low life woman for that long. It has been seven months since D-Day for us and although I do have to say that our marriage is even better than it was before the A, sometimes I look at this man whom I have known for over 15 years and wonder who the H3LL invaded his body for those 8 months.


I think the answer to surviving this kind of betrayal is finding a higher source to lean on and constantly communicating. Figure out how the A happen. What was he lacking, what was your M lacking which helped to create an environment for an A. Remember also that it is not your fault no matter what. Hold your H 100% responsible for sleeping with another woman. For months I totally blamed the OW and while I think that she is a tramp still, my DH could have said no to her the 100 times she asked him to sleep with her. He made the choice to bring the OW into our M and into our life. It is him that I blame for his indescretion. Some women are tramps like my DH ex-OW and your DH's, but it was our H who made the decision to risk our M and even our health for a quck lay with a slut.


Anyway, I know its hard to but you will make it through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 3:33pm
Well your self-esteem maybe lower than his most of the time but your sense of morality is probably higher than his. It may just not be in your character to have an affair. My H had an affair 3 yrs. into our marriage and I have had men come on to me since and therefore had opportunities to have a payback affair. But I know I could not do it. I don't have it in me to sneak around trying to hide the evidence and lie to him and since lying and cheating always go hand in hand I'd have to do both. And really I'm proud of the fact that I consider lying and cheating beneath me. Too bad he didn't.

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