looking for strength, or a miracle
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|Fri, 02-05-2010 - 10:33pm|
I posted a couple weeks ago about finally catching my husband in an affair after suspecting infidelities for years, long story short my husband doesn't respect me or our marriage vows. It has been 3 weeks since I got him to finally admit...and he has yet to explain, yet to tell me who, yet to answer my question of whether or not he was still in love with me...
He won't talk, and honestly I don't want to because he doesn't talk, he yells. So I have been trying to get him to communicate through email...won't do that either. He is still trying to pass the blame on me, last night when I asked him who she was (another thing he refuses to share)he tried to convince me that "Even the counselor doesn't understand why I need to know"...and I almost fell for it, I almost believed him...
I've gone back through things that have happened over the past months and emails and such that I have found and realized that he has been so ugly to me, talking about me to people, convincing people I'm crazy...I don't know why I am still here.
Except that I don't have the strength to make the decision-I'm closer than before, but I can't do it. I want so badly for things to go back to what was...so long ago, but realistically I know that is impossible. I want so much to feel loved. But instead he has made me feel unloved, unwanted, useless, rejected,worthless, and dead. I don't want to feel like that because I need to be strong for my kids-but how can I when their world is about to fall apart?
I feel so weak.