looking for strength, or a miracle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
looking for strength, or a miracle
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 10:33pm

I posted a couple weeks ago about finally catching my husband in an affair after suspecting infidelities for years, long story short my husband doesn't respect me or our marriage vows. It has been 3 weeks since I got him to finally admit...and he has yet to explain, yet to tell me who, yet to answer my question of whether or not he was still in love with me...

He won't talk, and honestly I don't want to because he doesn't talk, he yells. So I have been trying to get him to communicate through email...won't do that either. He is still trying to pass the blame on me, last night when I asked him who she was (another thing he refuses to share)he tried to convince me that "Even the counselor doesn't understand why I need to know"...and I almost fell for it, I almost believed him...

I've gone back through things that have happened over the past months and emails and such that I have found and realized that he has been so ugly to me, talking about me to people, convincing people I'm crazy...I don't know why I am still here.

Except that I don't have the strength to make the decision-I'm closer than before, but I can't do it. I want so badly for things to go back to what was...so long ago, but realistically I know that is impossible. I want so much to feel loved. But instead he has made me feel unloved, unwanted, useless, rejected,worthless, and dead. I don't want to feel like that because I need to be strong for my kids-but how can I when their world is about to fall apart?

I feel so weak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 10:42pm
the WS is passive aggressive and MEAN
you must be strong
remind yourself that this is not the man you thought he was
this will give you the strength to step back and do whatever it is you need to do
he is not meeting you half way he is abusing you
you can only wait for so long for the man you wish he was to show up
you are going to be a wreck until you get this straightened out with him
your kids love you and need you at your best
put them before him and take the situation head on
tell him what you want and need and do not settle for anything less
if he does not fight (himself) for you and it ends you will be better off without him
i think i just read another post from you that he is seeing the ow and has not stopped and is choosing
you have to make the choice, he won't
(in my opinion) i bet 50% of the WS on here did not show real progress until they were left or asked to leave
he does not fear losing you
you need to snap him out of his king turd ways
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 11:01pm

Hi Hon,

Sorry you are feeling so down. It is normal to just feel drained about the whole thing. It is important more than ever that you gain your strength so you can help yourself and your kids. How old are your kids? Depending on their age, the kids may already sense something is wrong and they can be impacted without you even realizing it. Unfortunately, things can never be the way they were. You need to decide how much you can really put up with and when you feel enough is enough. These cheaters are master manipulators and it sounds like your H is doing his best to make you feel inadequate and that you have the problem. Are you in IC? This may be something that can help you with your feelings. You may also want to have a consultation with an attorney to get a sense of what your rights are and what you would be entitled to. Just meeting with the lawyer can make you feel empowered in these situations because the whole situation seems so unreal (totally felt like I was living in a nightmare). Even if you don't take action legally, it is always good to know where you stand and what the laws of your state are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:45am

I feel your pain daily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 12:43am

Thank you for your support and replies. I am really struggling with this and what I think needs to be done...I have the name of a good attorney...just not sure what I want to do with it yet.

He is basically blaming me...it's my fault because I am too controlling (even though I have tried to back off in all of the areas he has complained about), he didn't get sex enough (even though I tried to increase the frequency when he complained), I didn't initiate sex enough (he is even trying to make be feel bad because I didn't 'have enough respect for him to give him a bj for his birthday'), he says that the kids are afraid of my reactions and walk on egg shells around me (even though when he's at work or out of town things here at home are relaxed and calm), that I don't let him have enough money (what am I supposed to do-snap my fingers and find more money out of thin air?) so he had to get a 2nd job to help pay down debt (which he doesn't do, his second job is all cash all for him...)

He's being so mean. He keeps throwing this same mantra at me over and over for the past few years but never thinks about what he has/hasn't done for me and my emotional/physical needs. He smokes, and my son and I both have asthma so he goes outside...he used to wash off because the smell triggers headaches and coughs for both of us but doesn't anymore and if I ask he gets very irritated, he knows that I need the emotional connection for intimacy...but continues to give this emotional connection to other women and not me...but yet I'm supposed to be willing to jump into bed with him because he asks me to in return for all he does around the house (which he can be very helpful...but come on...are we on a rewards system here?)

I know I'm rambling...I know this is probably tmi...but...I don't know what...just feeling very overwhelmed by the guilt & fear that maybe I DID do something to cause this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sun, 02-07-2010 - 1:22am

First of all - this is not your fault! Of course we all make mistakes in our marriage, but marriages should be a partnership where these things are talked about and common ground is found - not where one has permission to run out and fool around if things aren't going just like they want it. When you were not getting your needs met, did you go out and find a guy who would meet them? Of course not. You tried to work it out within the context of your vows or changed your expectations.

I can tell you what to do with the name of that good attorney. Go get an introductory session. This doesn't have to be a commitment, just information. Information is empowering and you need it right now. BTW, with his anger, you probably shouldn't tell him you're going.

It sounds like your H is trying to take you emotional hostage. Some people are very good at this. Be careful and stand your ground. You know what is right.

Lastly, I'd like to say that I know you have some big decisions ahead of you and only you can decide what to do. You might think of what you would tell one of your children to do if, heaven forbid, they ever came to you with this situation.

This is a terribly confusing time. Please keep us posted and hang in there!