Lost in Austin....;

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2009
Lost in Austin....;
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 1:33am

Two days ago I came downstairs and found my husbands facebook page open to his inbox. I usually have no interest in that kind of thing for him, I don't snoop or any of that. I immediately noticed an entire page of messages between him and one specific girl, which happened to be his girlfriend from high school. They were very sexual in nature, not to mention excited and thrilled to be talking to one another. I also read in many of them that they were having phone conversations and she was sending him nude photos of herself for his approval. Needless to say, my heart was pounding and my world was rocked. In one email I noticed him saying for her not to send any photos through facebook, to send them to a secret email account which he had set up. After reading through all of their recent emails, I went to his secret email account. I tried all his usual passwords, which didn't work, so I clicked Forgot your Password, and I knew all the answers needed to get into this account. The emails I found there have changed my entire life. In the last 2 or 3 weeks, he apparently signed up for several dating/sex websites, there was an ad that he placed on craigslist for sex with a stranger to fulfill some fantasy, there were what I believe to be prostitutes and other women responding and from what I can tell he met up with at least one woman for sex. This was all within about an hour. I am completely devastated. We have on 4 year old daughter and my stepson, who is almost 12, who has never really known another mother but me. We obviously had problems, like everyone, but I always used to say the one thing he would never do is cheat on me. Obviously, I am so far off base about who he even is, or what to do. Leaving seems like the only solution, right??? But I am so terrified to make the wrong choice, because of the kids. And according to him, this was only this weird thing that happened to him that he only recently started indulging or whatever, but I know his father did this to his mother, etc.....I don't know what to do. We have been together over ten years. This is extremely out of character. On the other hand, I feel like I found out I'm married to a serial killer or something. How could I not know this is who I married? We are both very smart people and this is the farthest thing from my imagination I could ever imagine. I am torn between doing what I should do, and doing what is probably best for the kids, but not me.

I don't even know why I wrote this, but I needed to get it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 2:10am

Hi, I know you said that you dont even know why you posted tonight but I can tell you (and speak for MANY MANY of us) that this is the place you want to be to get lots of caring support from those who understand. There is even a very similar situation to yours that recently was posted so know that you are not alone in anyway.

It sounds like your H is just trying to sweep this all under the rug with his "I was just weird at the time" comment. NO, NO that is not going to do. There is already way too much damage done. Your marriage needs help and your H needs help. After the discovery of my H

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-21-2009 - 5:32pm
Welcome to the board - I am sorry for your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2009
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 1:20am
Thanks to both of you for your support. He is acting very contrite and all that. Promising to change, willing to do counseling, etc...I just don't want the lip service right now. It sounds so empty. I am going on vacation for a wedding in San Diego with my daughter for a week soon, I think the trip will help me gain perspective on whether he is serious or it is just a lie until it happens again. Maybe I will never know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 2:02pm

Hi, I am from San Diego and it will be a great place for you to relax and think. A great place to just sit and marvel at the beaty of nature is the La Jolla Cove area or Torrey Pines state reserve. Both have beautiful views of the ocean and are very peaceful places except on the weekend. I used to do this when I was in such tumoil and it really does help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 6:34pm

amie: you wrote because you feel as though the world you knew has come to an end. and to a certain degree it has.

the one thing i have noticed since first coming to this board a few years ago - so many, many women never dreamt, not in his character, etc. well i believe that it obviously is and was in his character. you, like so many of us had this perception, this vision of what our husbands were like. we 'just knew', i mean after all you can't sleep with someone, share your most intimate moments with someone and then wake up one day to come face to face with a selfish stranger - a man who would jeopardize your love, respect and the integrity you saw in him. what kind of man would risk loosing the respect of their children over some insignificant woman - all for sex?????? our husbands, those are the men that would do these kinds of things.

it hurts, and it hurts bad - to the bone bad. it is like someone has taken your heart and soul and ripped it out and poured alcohol on it. we know, we know.

how could he? why? what was he thinking? we know, we know. we have all been there.

right now you need time to come to grips with all of this, NOTHING we can say is going to take the hurt away, nothing he can/will/might/or might not say will be able to undo what has been done.

right now - you need to understand something - he has shown you the man he is capable of being - BELIEVE HIM!!!!!!

this has NOTHING to do with something you did or did not do. this has NOTHING to do with you as a wife, or woman, or intimate sex partner even. it has EVERYTHING to do with HIM. CRAIGSLIST????, give me a friggin break - not that mine was any better - mine was adultfriendfinder, alt.com, ashley madison, all PERVERTED SITES where people, both men and women, most married or in a relationship are looking to have their secret bell rung - by anyone answering - and i do mean anyone.

he probably did NOT use protection. the majority of them do not. so, you need to get tested immediately. do not be embarrassed, my md told me he sees at least 5 women a week who are coming in for the same thing. just another sign of their total lack of regard for us as their partners - it is all about them.

i am sorry, please forgive me, it was a one time thing, she did not mean anything, i was just going to talk, i am depressed, i don't know what came over me, oh, the best one IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. if i had a penny for every man that has said that one.

unfortunately it WILL happen again if he does not recognize what this has truly done to you. he may promise the world and then as soon as things die down BANG, he is at it again. SO, my advice is:

read as many posts as you can on this site - there are so many caring, loving, knowledgeable women here who have been thru it.

post as often as you can, ask as many questions as you feel you need to.

get into therapy, if he won't go, THEN YOU GO.

he needs to show empathy - have a true understanding of what this has done to you, i mean really get it and show remorse - i don't mean the patronizing kind.

he needs to put it all out on the table, no more secrets, you must have open access to all of his communications. if he shrieks at this, what it is mother may i???? that is a clear sign he is full of crap about his apology.

the foundation you built your marriage on is now broken - unrepairable. HOWEVER, you can lay a new foundation - one built on honesty, respect, integrity, love, and real communication.

he needs to understand that he drove this marriage into a ditch and it is up to him to make it right. no matter how long it takes.

the loss of trust, well, what can i say - you are there, you know. he needs to understand that he needs to begin NOW, this minute to start to repair and rebuild.

IF, HE BALKS AT ANYTHING HE IS NOT COMMITTED -, i will share that my husband started off as yours and each time if forgave he just stepped it up, went further underground. he had no intention of being a faithful husband - no, the thrill of the strange piece was more than he was willing to give up. I STAYED, and i can tell you from the bottom of my heart - it was the biggest mistake of my life. but that is just me. only you know your husband, only you know if he can ever be the man you thought he was.

regarding your children - i speak from the heart here. living with a cheater is the hardest task any person can endure. it changes you, it changes who you are, it changes what you believe, and who you believe in. my children found out and have never, ever understood why i stayed. it changed them, it changed how they viewed me and definitely how they view this man that created them. betrayal, to some degree is harder even on the children when we stay - it changes there very perception of their foundation who they came from.

we are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 9:28pm

Hi B Jean,

I live in North San Diego County and would love to start a live support group.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 11:00pm

Oh wow, I live in North SD County also. I know that Planin to live is in San Diego county too. You can email me through this board and we can talk about it. Perhaps we are neighbors!!

How are you doing?