Loved him since I was 15, how do you put the affair behind you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Loved him since I was 15, how do you put the affair behind you?
6
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 11:46am

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnite. It takes a long time to do so, often times a couple of years or more. You will never forget though, but you can move on. The first thing is that he now needs to be an open book to you, meaning complete transparency with his phone (no locking it unless you have the code) Same with his computer. No secret e mail accounts etc. That transparency will go a long way in rebuilding trust. The second thing is counseling, which it sounds like you are already doing that, GOOD. The most important thing is that he is remorseful. This was a huge, hurtful betrayal, and if he wasn't remorseful, I'd honestly tell you to leave. Also he needs to figure out and tell you WHY he had the affair. Not that there is EVER an excuse for having an affair, but you dio need to talk about WHY it happened in the first place. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Karrie- I am just a few months ahead of you with my husband's dday in mid may. what courage and grace you possess to give your husband another chance.

The questions you ask, I ask myself. Trust- a relationships foundation. But after betrayel it's like a tornado picked up our foundation and blew it to bits in a massive vortex. I don't know what the future holds right now. I know that I am forever changed as is our old relationship. That relationship died. The new one up to now has me trusting him in some areas, but not in others. For ex, - he says he'll p/u kids, I trust that he will. In terms of emotional connection I am still very guarded. I do not know how long that will last. He took my heart and broke it. I think it's natural to want to protect and safe guard that. To restore trust I think means that I partly have to restore trust in myself. Trust that I know the signs I ignored before, trust that I have the strength and the courage to leave, trust that my reasoning skills are sound and that my judgement is intact. And my hope and my plan was to move forward to that everyday an inch at time if necessary. Maybe when I am truly at peace within myself I will be able to give my heart and my trust again. But not yet. I'm ok with not yet and I have told my H where I am at.

For my own self, I don't know that I am trying to get "past" the affair. I will never forget it. We seem to remember painful times in our lives. It is a part of me now and has brought out changes in my thinking and how I see things. ( what I think of marriage, family, affairs, etc.). I am past the acute pain that came with discovery. I am past many of the emotional aspects.

My advice to you is this: there is no hurry here. There is no timeline. We each have to go thru our grieving in our way, in our own time. Our husbands also have a huge role in restoring trust. Their actions over time will help that trust grow stronger.

I hope you will get some of the veterans to post here and share their wisdom. Take care of you.

Still
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

(((karrie97)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006

I want to thank everyone for their advice. We are still working on making our marriage work. I think we will survive this. I just don't want to be a hall monitor for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to check cell phone bills . Not that he'd use that to call anyone he doesn't want me to know about...now. He started a new job away from his OW, this week. And I think that will help alot. My only issue is with this job, the hours vary and I find myself questioning where he is or what he is doing, when he isn't at work. I truly don't believe he would start up a relationship with a stranger and that the OW took advantage of a weak marriage, when hers failed. If I wasn't good enough before am I going to be good enough now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006

Still standing.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope we both can find peace again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi Karrie,