Low sex drive yet he had an online affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2003
Low sex drive yet he had an online affair?
4
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 6:25pm

My husband, despite being a lot younger than me, has a very low sex drive.  People who snicker about how "active" I must be with my "young husband" would be very surprised to learn we're only active once a month or less.  He says he used to use women for sex and feels horrible about it and now just has a really low sex drive.  A few weeks ago, though, after acting strangely for a few weeks, he admitted to having online, IM sex with an old school friend.  He says she started it while they were innocently catching up but that they kept it going for a few months.  He said he started to feel so guilty that he told her it had to stop and he blocked her from his account. 

He spends a lot of time online and didn't think there was anything wrong with chatting with female friends, even though I told him not everyone could be trusted and that many women would take his casual interest as something more.   I take no comfort in being right about this but he agrees I was and said he spends a lot less time with females he wasn't really good friends with all along now.  He stays nearby when he's online most of the time and swears it will never happen again.

I was in so much shock that, after a brief meltdown, I haven't really said anything else about it.  He swore at the time that he knew he'd have to make up for this for the rest of his life but, other than less solo computer time, nothing much has changed.  I've tried to initiate more sex but he laughs it off and we're back at the same once a month, really routine thing.  It's really, really hard to not think that he's just not attracted to me.  I mean, he had sex with her so it's not like he's not interested in it at all, I just can't get him very interested in it with me.  I've told him I'm willing and interested in doing almost anything in bed so it's not like I'm boring him, I don't think.  Actually, I don't really know what to think.

What I need to know is how someone who says they have a very low sex drive would be caught up in an online affair and what I should do now.  I don't want to drag this out forever and to "punish" him but I feel like I've let him off so easily, there'd be no real reason for him to not do it again if there aren't any consequences.  What do I do?  Any advice, anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2003
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:23am

You're right, they never physically had sex.  And you may be right that he's convinced himself that sex "in person" is bad.  I wonder if he has this image of a wife as being "pure" or something.  If that's the case, though, what can we do about it?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 11:06pm

  Me thinks you have a much bigger problem.  This does not seem like pure low mojo.  It seems like he has gotten into his head that sex with a live woman is "bad". 

   " It's really, really hard to not think that he's just not attracted to me.  I mean, he had sex with her so it's not like he's not interested in it at all, I just can't get him very interested in it with me. "

    Correct me if I misread but these two never had sex physic  It's really, really hard to not think that he's just not attracted to me.  I mean, he had sex with her so it's not like he's not interested in it at all, I just can't get him very interested in it with me." 

  Correct me if I am wrong but these two did not have sex physically. 

    Low sex drive is a possibility as is ED.  Over the web he does not need to worry about getting and keeping an erection.   Also his:

    " He says he used to use women for sex and feels horrible about it and now just has a really low sex drive."

    Points to buying into a Pseudo Politically Correct mindset.  If that's the case it is hopeless.  Unless he reprograms himself.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2003
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 9:31pm

Thank you for the input.  I agree, it's a problem, just not one I know how to deal with very well.  I'll take your advice, though, and check the other area.  I'm just still stunned so it's hard to think clearly about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 11:58am

For the long term mismatch between your sex drives, you might want to look up the "Mismatched Libid0s" board. As to what motivated him with this girl, who knows? It could be that he wants to see himself as a 'normal' sexual person (expecially as a male), even though his drive is indeed low, and this girl helped him to achieve this illusion. Either way, your marriage is in trouble in a hundred different ways if you don't deal with the mismatched sex drives.