missing something

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
missing something
21
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 11:42pm

It has been nearly 18 months since I found out about my H affair and over this time I asked more questions and the pieces of the puzzle started to fill in


I have found myself feeling cheated out of my life and my time


I gave all of it while he was out having a good time


I am started to want to be with other men, somehow I feel it will set the record straight and then I too can actually choose my H or MY A just like I had to wait on my H to choose.


I feel like its wrong but at the same time I cant get it out of my head


that if we both did it then we are both losers and can start over


I know I sound crazy and I might be, I just cant seem to get over all the lies and


the fact that he gave me and STD to.


I am angry and hurt, I thought I could do better and we would get passed it , and he has changed and is doing all the right things, counseling, I have phone records emails all of it and yet I still cant move on


Can anyone relate or am I really crazy


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 3:35pm
Yes, please do those of us in pain from cheating spouses a favor and take this off the board entirely.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 1:13pm
Would you be opposed to some more open discussion on this privately? I am not sure it is for me but I have some detail questions that it doesn't appear you want to share here. My email is couldibewrong@gmail.com if you would like to help me figure out which direction is best for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 8:32pm
The scariest part happened when I finally came face to face with a man that I knew had every intention of having sex with me. He was charming and sexy. He knew about the STD and he was confident that there wouldn't be an issue. He told me that he knew I wasn't leaving my marriage and that he knew that I just wanted to be my own person again. He asked me to come home with him and made me feel comfortable that nothing would happen that I didn't want. He was direct and when I tried to laugh it off he looked me in the face and said " Yes or no, right now. I won't ask you again if you say no" so I smiled and nodded my head and we were off. The rest isn't going on this site I can tell you, lmao. I hope it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2010
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 6:27pm
That is the mind set that I am curious about. You went out looking for sex and managed to find it. I feel like I would lose the last thing that is keeping me with my H sometimes if I did that. I am skirting the edge of it, I just can't step over it. I have such a great opportunity for it and every time I step up to the edge I run away. I feel like I need to do it but I can't get over that hump
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 9:05pm
if your still here and trying than you are a survivor, your not a quitter and you just did what you felt you needed to , we never get it right anyway. I dont feel better currently and part of me wishes I was just alone. I dont really even feel like I need a man I think I just dont want to be surrounded by the man and all the things our marriage had and now doesnt everyday. Its really just so hard to look at him and the kids and our house. I feel like Im just going through the motions. He is doing the right things now and I will give him credit for that but Its just not touching me like I had hoped it would. I feel like my heart is hard : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 8:21pm

I don't want to misrepresent anything here. I went lookinf for men with the intent of sleeping with someone. I didn't really create relationships and I didn't tell them what I was doing overall. I just felt like I needed to be me alone for a while. Once I had it I could move on with what I needed to do. I am no survivor, I just did what worked for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 8:10pm

I guess I see what your saying, you werent necessarily looking, but made other friends, so you had another life of your own.
But they knew the truth , so the new relationships were not filled with deception. Its hard for me to imagine starting a relationship
and its not like im a virgin anymore. The Std thing really screws me
up you are a survivor and you give me some courage that I will be ok in this.

Thanks

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 7:27pm
I am not sure what you mean by HOW I got over the hump-pun?- of being with someone else. I did go outside any group of people who knew me at all socially and professionally. I made aquaintances and those became friends and the relationships grew. Just like any other relationship. I wasn't a virgin when we were married so I didn't have all that baggage. Again let me stress that my solution might not be yours. I advise anyone and everyone to do what they think and feel they need. You have to live with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 7:20pm

Please forgive the sexual predator with the giant dragon phallus. I swear we should start a support site where you have to show up and give proof that you are at least a woman to join it. Really? A guy on a support site for betrayed married people, mostly women, who names himself XXX anything and spouts off about open relationships? If it wasn't such a sign of despiration it would be sad. I always wondered about men who cruised around funerals and the like looking for an emotionally distraught victim. Truly sick.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 06-08-2010 - 6:26pm
There is no need for a "revenge affair". what works is good for the gander good for the goose. In other words an open marriage. That puts everyone on an even footing. No lies no hidden agenda just the truth of who each person is.
A truth is that we are human. Humans are not monogamous. This idea that there would be no other sexual partners is absurd. Imo it is the lying. From the start each sex is taught a unrealistic set of "values". The pressure to be in a "relationship' hastens the errors as those involved are "blind" to the real needs emotional and sexual of the other.
Some of the "values" are mercantilistic in origin. Sponsors want you to spend money. Our economy is set up as a consumer economy rather than production.
You must get past that feeling of cheated as it does you no good. There are many things that happen to us in the course of our life that we do not like. It serves us no good to say we were cheated of when we must take some of the onus ourselves. Anger,revenge are poisons to our sprit. The best revenge is living well.
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