mixed signals? possible affair? wdid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2010
mixed signals? possible affair? wdid?
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 12:51pm

After finding a questionable conversation my dh had with a girl, I did some more snooping. I am just trying to make sense of all these mixed signals and figure out what I should do.

What I found:
Pictures of him, naked, sent to girls
Pictures of girls naked.
Messages responding to a personal ad he must have put up.
Messages responding to the responses, but no actual plans made or messages stating anything had happened yet.
Lots of text messages the same night he re-connected with an old friend. (Through our cell website - I can't read what they said, just that they were sent/received)
A message saying that he doesn't enjoy sex with me anymore, that I'm not doing anything wrong and that I don't want a divorce.

What he is doing and saying to me:
Says I love you and kisses me almost daily.
Texts that he loves me (not only in response to me)
Just gave me a card saying what a wonderful wife and mother I was, that I was beautiful and he hopes he can be there for me like I have been for him (he has been having health issues)
Bought me an expensive diamond necklace (the only nice jewelry I've ever gotten from him)
When I said I missed spending time with him he says we should spend more time together and actually spent more time with me.
Talks about future plans together.

What am I supposed to make of this??? I would appreciate advice... and please be blunt and say whatever you think. I'm just not sure what to do or how to handle this. I'm afraid of handling it wrong and it all blowing up. I am willing to forgive him and work through this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2007
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 2:01pm

I am sorry you are going thru this.

I am going to tell you that I think he is doing those things because of his guilt.

Not that he doesnt love you, but he has issues.

My H did those things also. Sometimes, I think the WS has to find a way to make up for their short comings. So they over do nice things.

Maybe you can sit down and tell him what you have learned. I would not accuse him of everything. I would point out some of it "AS YOU KNOW IT" and see what else he comes clean about. If he is going to be totally honest- he will. If he is wanting to hide or cover up and continue doing what he is doing- he will deny it or try to find out just what you know and then he will lay low and continue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 12:30pm

I would almost wait and see. However, I understand you want to know what is going on. Does your husband have a history to lying? Do you really think he would tell you the truth? Just some things to think about.

If your husband is smothering you.....but he is doing the things he is doing.... to me is not a good sign. Maybe he's trying to make you think that nothing is going on so you won't go searching of what he is really up to. He doesn't want you to know in my opinion.

And be carefully just as the other person said. They will lay low. They will go deeper and cover every trace of communication he is having with others. Then it's so hard to find any kind of proof of what is happening.

For example......My husband is going over board with the nice things right now. Right after rumors started up (again) with another co worker of his. Right now it is at a stand still. I wish it would have never gotten out that somebody found them screwing at work. I can't find the person who found them or if it is even true.