The more we talk... the more confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
The more we talk... the more confused
7
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:41pm

I have been feeling rather depressed about the lack of progress I feel we are making.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:55pm
My H had to do many weeks (almost a year) of IC before we could even think of MC together.... yea he was that messed up! I went to MC by myself for almost a year and it really helped... ME to cope and see the big picture...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:18pm
We can't afford separate counselors, and there's nothing free around here - so the MC and I worked out a plan where some weeks we will 'steer' him in a direction and I'll kinda just sit there, and let the MC IC him - it's working. The MC said that my H alone needs about 3 years of counseling. Asked me if I were willing to wait, and even though things are getting better, doesn't know if H is ever going to be what I deserve - he doesn't know if H is willing to work as hard, as I have always been the one doing most of the work. Which I no long will do and told him last time at MC>
Hang in there -it does take time, LOTS of TIME!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 10:14am

vent away complain talk it out......what ever you need to do. we are here to listen and support.

Counseling takes time. I would not judge the "years" right now. I would take it day for day..... its not easy and sure its hard. But sometimes its best to take those baby steps first.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 12:50pm

3 years of counseling....Man, this will be a long road. I told H

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:13pm
I am still weighing my options, because I need to have it in my head in case it should happen again, because there will be no forgiveness or working on things if it happens again. I don't care if it's a hooker or a lowlife with a van or a high priced soccer mom, I will NEVER forgive or attempt a R again. I don't even know if I would divorce him either and set him free for someone else, I'd just live separate lives - and that's that.... Rebuilding is more difficult, because it's not over. D is final - well more final than rebuilding and you're going on to other things, out with friends and perhaps down the road meeting someone else. So you have other things than your H reminding you - etc. Death is even more bearable my MC said because it's final, and there's nothing around to torture you afterwards, you grieve it's done - slow but grieving and not a constant grieving. I can see it actually....
You are not bi polar, you are hurt, you are bewildered on how this could happen, your world was turned on end for sure - after all who of us thinks when we take a husband, make our wedding vows and swear to love and honor that they would bring a 3rd person into our lives.... not one of us, I'm sure. It's a horrible place to be in - horrible but what are our choices. I am with you. I am trying, once - to R and rebuild - but that's it. There will be NO MORE SECOND chances. I would lose my sanity, and if H did it again, knowing what it put me through this time, it would only show a total lack of any shred of human decency for me, and I deserve better than that. And if I can't get the respect I need and love and commitment from him that I need, then he is not what I need. Sure it would be hard, but I think I can do it, I won't starve I won't die, sad, yes, wasted time, maybe, but time is only wasted when we don't learn anything from it, and I think we can all learn and grow from this, whether we stay or whether we have to go. We can ..... we really can.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:34pm

You sound so positive. Today is a bad day. I talked to a woman at work and for some reason, her face reminded me of the OW. It was horrible. It all came flooding back.


I keep telling myself that I have to try R for me and for my H. I feel like just leaving and getting a D is giving up somehow, even tho I think I have earned a D already for what I have been put through. My H just told me that he wants a full 100% committment to fixing this. Can't I go one day at a time for awhile? I understand him needing this from me. but how will I know how I feel in 2 months? Sometimes the thought of seeing or talking to him makes me ill. Will that pass? If it doesn't, I wouldnt want to be married having those feeling for my H! Not fair to him or me!


My H said that there is no "try" in R, you just have to do and focus on the positives...it is hard some days...the mood swings are killers, for me and for my H to deal with...


We are stronger now arent we? Pain makes us stronger. And it would be easy for me to walk out if he did this again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:58pm
It depends on perspective. Divorce is definitely harder for those who are afraid to be alone.