My good "friend" slept with my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
My good "friend" slept with my husband
9
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 6:38pm

Been married 6 years (dont know how to change my old user name that indicates I am a "newlywed", sorry), together for 11 total. One child together, 2 years.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

See a counselor right away for yourself. Ending a friendship is very difficult even when it necessary (and it's necessary to stop being friends with this woman.) You will need support because its very hard to grieve a friendship, and then find a way to explaint to your daughter why she can't play with this woman's daughter any longer.

And, you need to see a marriage counselor. Do everything you can to not allow your anger and rage at this woman "friend" spill over onto your marriage. Your husband obviously was a jerk by even letting things go as far as they did, and he deserves credit for not letting it continue or going back for more.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
I am very very sorry. I new my husbands xAP partner as well. Although I wouldn't say she was a close friend I considered her a friend. I feel very foolish for misjudging her. I have felt a lot of anger at her because she knew me, and she knew better. She knew I wasn't a shrew. To this day, post 6 months out i am more perplexed by her involvement. But one thing is clear. The fault lies with her and my husband. They are flawed, not I. I have my flaws, but none that would allow me to go pursue an affair. I learned a lot on the "all sides of the affair" board. Reaching out to current and past AP's opened my mind to what these women are/were thinking.

I don't know that we ever get over betrayel. The pain does fade with time, but we do not look at life, our spouses, our friends the same. If those closest to us can hurt us what can other people do? If we can't trust them, who can we trust? We trust ourselves. We trust in ourselves that are boundaries are in place as married individuals, we trust that our moral code is secure and that our own codes of conduct are established. We trust that we have the strength an intelligence to choose for ourselves what our next step will be.

Your friend was the weaker of the two of you. She has low self esteem and low self worth. She is still expecting the world to make her happy when in truth we create and collect happiness for ourselves and within ourselves. She envied you, your life and your husband and in doing so probably lost the best thing that ever happened to her. She loses in this game she started because now she is really alone.

You keep your head up. You can look anyone in the eye. Thi will get better one minute at a time and even when you feel horrendous and feel your moving backward you are making progress. The worst thing you can o is suppress what you are feeling. Facing it head on is really your only option and if you need help to do that there is no shame in that.

So sorry for what you are going through. They let you down, not the other way around. Take care my friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
It's only been a few days since I found out, and I'm really confused by my emotions. Or lack-there-of. I was so angry at first. I broke things, yelled, cried and cried. The emotions have rapidly dried up and now I'm finding myself acting like it was no big deal. I don't know the general response, and I know there's no "right" way to cope, but I'm fairly certain my current behavior is not the "norm". We cook dinner together, I rub his back while we watch tv, we're acting like we did when we just got married. He is proceeding with caution, for example, is very hesitant to touch me and is always asking me if this or that is ok, but I'm more full-steam ahead. Last night, I pushed him into sex. What?!? Who does that four days after learing of an affair?? What's wrong with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
That is normal and happened to many of us post discovery. I too was confused by my increase in libido and what I read was that it is an animalistic response where our body is saying "mine." a way to reestablish ourself as alpha female. For me it didn't last and I don't think it does for anyone. You will basically move thru the stages of grief. This is a long haul. Put your seatbelt on. Glad to see you posted to the AP's. They can explain better than anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

The crazy emotions are definitely "normal." I also went through a time where I was just numb - in shock. During that time, I too found my sex drive very high.

One word of caution, though. Even though the sex drive will hopefully help the heeling process, it backfired on me. As that response lessened, and I found out more and more of the story, the sex was less crazy and I became much more cautious, especially as I started to process the issues of trust. So now my H is disappointed with where we are because he wants that crazy sex back. No matter how many different ways I try to put it, he points out that I liked it too, so why wouldn't I want it to be like that again, and I am not measuring up to that. It has been very detrimental to our long-term recovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2000
lonely_newlywed, I totally know how you feel and glad you posted about this. I too have felt the same way. Since my husband and I have started trying to work things out my sex drive has been very high. I have felt ashamed because of it. How after finding out that he had a year long affair with my best friend could I stand to have sex with him? When I first found out I was disgusted and didn't think I could ever get past the thoughts of him with her to even think about it. But then all of a sudden I could. I still don't understand. I still am disgusted when I think about but still want to have sex with him. A man who lied, cheated, and betrayed me. How is it that I can want this? I think too, because I have been so willing, he thinks things are fine and everything can go back to normal. But things arent' fine, I'm still hurting, I still don't know if I can trust him. I still have so many questions that I don't know the answers to....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007

red, im so sorry for your pain. i know nothing makes it better right now, but i have to believe that, in time, we will forget the hurt.