My husband cheated with my sister in law

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
My husband cheated with my sister in law
16
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:00pm

I didnt know where to turn and this is such a delicate subject because it involves my family and it has already heartbroken my brother and my mother....but I do not know where to go from here. My husband has been unfaithful before, when I was pregnant many years ago, yet I forgave him and within our ups and downs we have generally been "good". For the past year, however, I have noticed that him and my sister in law sometimes look at eachother "differently" especially from her, but everytime I mentioned it to my husband he would say I was being paranoid because of our trust issues and past....sure enough I would leave it alone because it was just so horrible to think about. To be clear, I know they had a fling many years ago because they were friends before my sil started dating my brother. Fast forward to a couple months ago, we were out and I see my husband text her I love you, i confronted him, he denied it said that he meant to send it to me, but didnt notice he was sending it to her, I confronted her, she denied anything going on and said that only what happened in the past is the only thing that had gone on. Yet as the months have passed I noticed how mad my brother was at my husband, he wants nothing to do with him and they were best friends. After much, much asking and begging for the truth from my part and a whole lot of denying from my husband, today he finally told me that about four years ago they kissed a couple of times because my sil used to throw herself at him and that nothing else has happened after that. I found that hard to believe and I went to speak to my sil, who says my husband used to try to seduce her, and that one night years ago, drunk they kissed. Stories dont exactly match....she also told me she does believe the "ily" txt was meant for her, because earlier that night my husband had texted her "you look nice" and that he had called her, but that in many years time that is the only thing that has happened, and back then only the "drunken kiss"....my husband admitted to the txt saying she texted him first and he replied, that it was stupid and that he is sorry, but that he never tried to seduce her and that he has no interest in her. I am disgusted, heartbroken and honestly still in shock. We have been married 7 years and together 11, it has been a hectic relationship but I hhave always respected him and above all we have both been very loving. We do everything together, I am not working but I am a full time student....he has been supportive....but now with this I do not know what to do. My brother and his wife are trying to work on their marriage, I dont know that I can do that. I feel so betrayed, I begged him for the truth, I warned him beforehand about my suspicions and still this happened. Please I need some guidance, I know I must seem dumb, and that this should be common sense, i should leave him, but I am also considering the "other" life we had, which was such a good one. He wont stop crying and saying how sorry he is, it honestly does not mean anything, I am numb and just need to know where do I go from here. 

Sorry this is so long and for the lack of clarity, but I cant even think straight....thank you
 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 4:48pm

  Hi   I am still trying to figure out all of what happened.  And why the family is involved. This was supposed to happen four years ago?  They kissed?  Or was it more?   IMO reject the common leave 'em cant.  Think things through.  Other wise how is the life together? 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 7:56pm
Sorry, it's confusing...I actually had the story wrong, they kissed a couple times, supposedly drunken kisses years ago....according to him my sister in law used to seduce him, we were dating at the time but not yet married. I thought it happened more recently. The problem now is that 3 months ago I saw him send her a text saying I Love You, which he claims was meant for me, but sent it to her by accident....he also said that she texted him earlier that night telling him he looks nice and that he texted her that she looks nice as well. This is all coming out now, he had denied it for 3 months. I spoke to her and her side of the story is that my husband, while we were dating he used to call her and invite her places (he says it was the opposite) she also says that nothing has happened, other than the kissing years ago, but that on the night of the text that I saw...my husband had texted her that she looks pretty and called her (he denies calling her and says he only replied to the txt she sent him first) she also tells me that she believes the "ily" txt was meant for her. I don't know who to believe, they are kind of blaming each other. My family is hurt because my brother won't speak to my h any longer, he believes my sil, who says my h kept hitting on her. And now for the holidays, which we usually celebrate together, we can not. Our children, who were so close, now don't see each other. At home our lives was great, other than this situation we have a good marriage and I consider him to be a very supporting husband. He is very remorseful and is begging me to try counseling, but after so many lies and so much confusion....I wonder if that would work? I also feel humiliated and embarrassed by this situation and wonder how my sil, brother and mother will look at me if I stay with him... I feel I made it more confusing, but thanks so much for any input
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 8:15pm

Do you know for a fact he called her that nite? If so he is lying about the extent of thier contact. I would expect him to fess up and be honest about EVERYTHING if he wants this situation to get better. That thing about him accidentally texting ily to her by mistake sounds fishy to me, unless you and her happen to have the same name odds are against that being a mistake. As long as he's not being truthful this won't easily go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 9:27pm
I don't know it for a fact, she now says he did, three months ago when it happened she denied it. We don't have similar names, he says that he forgot about her being the last txt and when he went to the txt icon, just typed and sent it...she was first on the list. It's happened to me before on the iPhone as well, but with everything going on I just find it very fishy too. I don't know what to think. I have seen the looks my sil used to give him, which she denies, but I've seen her with my eyes. Either way it is not an excuse and he should have respected me.....now my question is if I should even bother going to counseling with him? I'm so lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 12:10am

Marriage counseling definitely could not hurt the situation and could even help a lot , but just be sure to find a good marriage counselor in your area. Ask around for recommendations. It's hard to tell who's telling the truth about what happened since thier stories don't match up. But really, who came on to who isn't really as important as WHY did they allow it to happen, especially amongst family members. That's what you need an answer to. However, it IS a very good thing that he IS remorseful and not just acting cocky and telling you to just get over it. Those are the ones you don't give a second chance to. If there's children involved I am always for trying to work things out before throwing in the towel, Good Luck

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 9:46pm

you want to get at the truth? get them both in the same room and make them deny it to each other... one of them is the liar and one of the them is telling the truth... or both of them are lying... You'll probably just want to walk away from both of them, but al least, you'll be past the "who is lying?" part of it.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:24pm

  After getting the story this is nothing.  That's right nothing.  Wasting on some crusade on the "truth" is foolish.  It interferes with the present reality.  Deal with the day to day business.  This "respected me" is another land mine.  Worse most men are not going to be as verbal as most women.  Males do not in general express their feelings well.  It is not in the cultural conditioning.  So they may be attracted to one another.  That happens.  Some times it is a passing thing.  Sometimes people don't even notice that they are giving off signals. 

    What matters is to center yourself. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:42pm
That is what is so difficult for me to understand....I keep asking why, I want him to go into details, but he just says he was stupid, he doesn't understand what he was thinking, he wasn't thinking etc. I am someone who likes to understand things, why is so important to me....I know so much more could've happened that didn't, but why go there at all? And with my sister in law....I hope one day I can stop being so angry and stop thinking about this every second of the day. Thanks so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:44pm
I wish I could do this, but my brother does not want his wife anywhere near my husband. My brother wants to put this behind him and work on his marriage for the sake of their kids, also because he adores his wife. Thanks for responding
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:50pm
We will try counseling, I hope it helps because right now it feels very hopeless. You are right, and I have asked him why so so many times....all I get is he was an idiot, he was not thinking, it didn't mean absolutely anything and he swears he texted her the "ily" by mistake...,that he has no interest in her etc. I find all of these excuses so vague that when he gives them I just get angry. Currently he is sleeping in our sons bedroom and we are hoping a counselor will help us. Thanks a lot for your response

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