My husband cheated with my sister in law

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
My husband cheated with my sister in law
16
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:00pm

I didnt know where to turn and this is such a delicate subject because it involves my family and it has already heartbroken my brother and my mother....but I do not know where to go from here. My husband has been unfaithful before, when I was pregnant many years ago, yet I forgave him and within our ups and downs we have generally been "good". For the past year, however, I have noticed that him and my sister in law sometimes look at eachother "differently" especially from her, but everytime I mentioned it to my husband he would say I was being paranoid because of our trust issues and past....sure enough I would leave it alone because it was just so horrible to think about. To be clear, I know they had a fling many years ago because they were friends before my sil started dating my brother. Fast forward to a couple months ago, we were out and I see my husband text her I love you, i confronted him, he denied it said that he meant to send it to me, but didnt notice he was sending it to her, I confronted her, she denied anything going on and said that only what happened in the past is the only thing that had gone on. Yet as the months have passed I noticed how mad my brother was at my husband, he wants nothing to do with him and they were best friends. After much, much asking and begging for the truth from my part and a whole lot of denying from my husband, today he finally told me that about four years ago they kissed a couple of times because my sil used to throw herself at him and that nothing else has happened after that. I found that hard to believe and I went to speak to my sil, who says my husband used to try to seduce her, and that one night years ago, drunk they kissed. Stories dont exactly match....she also told me she does believe the "ily" txt was meant for her, because earlier that night my husband had texted her "you look nice" and that he had called her, but that in many years time that is the only thing that has happened, and back then only the "drunken kiss"....my husband admitted to the txt saying she texted him first and he replied, that it was stupid and that he is sorry, but that he never tried to seduce her and that he has no interest in her. I am disgusted, heartbroken and honestly still in shock. We have been married 7 years and together 11, it has been a hectic relationship but I hhave always respected him and above all we have both been very loving. We do everything together, I am not working but I am a full time student....he has been supportive....but now with this I do not know what to do. My brother and his wife are trying to work on their marriage, I dont know that I can do that. I feel so betrayed, I begged him for the truth, I warned him beforehand about my suspicions and still this happened. Please I need some guidance, I know I must seem dumb, and that this should be common sense, i should leave him, but I am also considering the "other" life we had, which was such a good one. He wont stop crying and saying how sorry he is, it honestly does not mean anything, I am numb and just need to know where do I go from here. 

Sorry this is so long and for the lack of clarity, but I cant even think straight....thank you
 

Pages

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:08am

I think one thing is clear from your posts so far. You have not gotten the truth out of anybody. You are right to be suspicious about just what exactly is going on between them, and what has gone on in the past. No one has come clean and you deserve to get to the bottom of it. Hopefully counseling will help if you truly want to try to save things but again you will have to feel as though you are being told the truth before you can move on. If/when you get the truth, will you be able to move on with him as your husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 7:21pm

Glad to hear you two are going to counseling and maybe there will be some help addressing his depression, and your lost of trust issues.

Hope the holidays are good for you and your family :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Mon, 12-24-2012 - 11:24pm

Hello,He asked my brother in front of me to please show me the phone records for that night, (all four of us are under a family plan in my brothers name) but my brother still hasn't showed it to me. My brother did tell me that when he looked at their call records there was nothing weird. He has texted me I love you before when being around other people, which we were....but after so many lies....it's so difficult to believe him. He's been trying so hard, and has been so depressed....I just don't know I can trust him again. Hopefully the counselor will help.Happy Holidays!!! 

remdamma wrote:
<p>I would look at his phone call logs to see if he called her that night 3 months ago or any other times in the last few months. That would answer your question about whether he is still lying.</p><p>Does he sometimes text you that he loves you, especially when you are together? If not then I wouldn't believe that the ILY text was meant for you.</p><p>People get attracted to others, even when they are married; that is normal. But when you are committed to someone you're not supposed to act on that attraction. Yes he was an idiot but he needs to understand why he did what he did, in order to change and not make the same mistakes. To just say "I was an idiot", end of discussion won't help or change anything.</p><p>If you are interested in trying to save the marriage for the sake of your kids then go to couples counseling. You might want to get counseling for just yourself to get clear on how you want to proceed, to figure out what is best for you, to establish your limits of what you will put up with in your marriage.</p>

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 2:23am

I would look at his phone call logs to see if he called her that night 3 months ago or any other times in the last few months. That would answer your question about whether he is still lying.

Does he sometimes text you that he loves you, especially when you are together? If not then I wouldn't believe that the ILY text was meant for you.

People get attracted to others, even when they are married; that is normal. But when you are committed to someone you're not supposed to act on that attraction. Yes he was an idiot but he needs to understand why he did what he did, in order to change and not make the same mistakes. To just say "I was an idiot", end of discussion won't help or change anything.

If you are interested in trying to save the marriage for the sake of your kids then go to couples counseling. You might want to get counseling for just yourself to get clear on how you want to proceed, to figure out what is best for you, to establish your limits of what you will put up with in your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 11:13pm
I know....I have told him about the lie detector test and he said he has no problem with it. Actually it is my brother she is married to, but they were best friends. My husband is very wrong too, equally if not more....I don't know that I will ever get past this, we will see Happy Holidays
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 11:59am

Don't believe either your DH or your SIL. Cheaters lie and deny, deny, deny! Something else went on more recently with the two of them. Trust your gut. When I think back to how I just KNEW something was going on but kept telling myself I was over-reacting I want to go back in time and shake myself. Your SIL is a loosy goosy and grotesque on top of that (ewh! two brothers, that is just nasty). You need to seperate yourself from her and get that tr*mp out of your life for good. She is nasty and disgusting and a liar. As for your DH; you should make him take a lie detector test and provide specific pointed questions. If he refuses you already have your answers. You cannot rebuild if your DH continues to lie and deny. He will have to come completely clean with everything. You can build a better M if your DH is willing to tell the truth and work hard at becoming an honest person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:50pm
We will try counseling, I hope it helps because right now it feels very hopeless. You are right, and I have asked him why so so many times....all I get is he was an idiot, he was not thinking, it didn't mean absolutely anything and he swears he texted her the "ily" by mistake...,that he has no interest in her etc. I find all of these excuses so vague that when he gives them I just get angry. Currently he is sleeping in our sons bedroom and we are hoping a counselor will help us. Thanks a lot for your response
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:44pm
I wish I could do this, but my brother does not want his wife anywhere near my husband. My brother wants to put this behind him and work on his marriage for the sake of their kids, also because he adores his wife. Thanks for responding
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:42pm
That is what is so difficult for me to understand....I keep asking why, I want him to go into details, but he just says he was stupid, he doesn't understand what he was thinking, he wasn't thinking etc. I am someone who likes to understand things, why is so important to me....I know so much more could've happened that didn't, but why go there at all? And with my sister in law....I hope one day I can stop being so angry and stop thinking about this every second of the day. Thanks so much
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-15-2012 - 5:24pm

  After getting the story this is nothing.  That's right nothing.  Wasting on some crusade on the "truth" is foolish.  It interferes with the present reality.  Deal with the day to day business.  This "respected me" is another land mine.  Worse most men are not going to be as verbal as most women.  Males do not in general express their feelings well.  It is not in the cultural conditioning.  So they may be attracted to one another.  That happens.  Some times it is a passing thing.  Sometimes people don't even notice that they are giving off signals. 

    What matters is to center yourself. 

chaika

Pages