My husband cheated with my sister in law

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
My husband cheated with my sister in law
2
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:00pm

I didnt know where to turn and this is such a delicate subject because it involves my family and it has already heartbroken my brother and my mother....but I do not know where to go from here. My husband has been unfaithful before, when I was pregnant many years ago, yet I forgave him and within our ups and downs we have generally been "good". For the past year, however, I have noticed that him and my sister in law sometimes look at eachother "differently" especially from her, but everytime I mentioned it to my husband he would say I was being paranoid because of our trust issues and past....sure enough I would leave it alone because it was just so horrible to think about. To be clear, I know they had a fling many years ago because they were friends before my sil started dating my brother. Fast forward to a couple months ago, we were out and I see my husband text her I love you, i confronted him, he denied it said that he meant to send it to me, but didnt notice he was sending it to her, I confronted her, she denied anything going on and said that only what happened in the past is the only thing that had gone on. Yet as the months have passed I noticed how mad my brother was at my husband, he wants nothing to do with him and they were best friends. After much, much asking and begging for the truth from my part and a whole lot of denying from my husband, today he finally told me that about four years ago they kissed a couple of times because my sil used to throw herself at him and that nothing else has happened after that. I found that hard to believe and I went to speak to my sil, who says my husband used to try to seduce her, and that one night years ago, drunk they kissed. Stories dont exactly match....she also told me she does believe the "ily" txt was meant for her, because earlier that night my husband had texted her "you look nice" and that he had called her, but that in many years time that is the only thing that has happened, and back then only the "drunken kiss"....my husband admitted to the txt saying she texted him first and he replied, that it was stupid and that he is sorry, but that he never tried to seduce her and that he has no interest in her. I am disgusted, heartbroken and honestly still in shock. We have been married 7 years and together 11, it has been a hectic relationship but I hhave always respected him and above all we have both been very loving. We do everything together, I am not working but I am a full time student....he has been supportive....but now with this I do not know what to do. My brother and his wife are trying to work on their marriage, I dont know that I can do that. I feel so betrayed, I begged him for the truth, I warned him beforehand about my suspicions and still this happened. Please I need some guidance, I know I must seem dumb, and that this should be common sense, i should leave him, but I am also considering the "other" life we had, which was such a good one. He wont stop crying and saying how sorry he is, it honestly does not mean anything, I am numb and just need to know where do I go from here. 

Sorry this is so long and for the lack of clarity, but I cant even think straight....thank you
 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 1:01am

You're right, the stories don't match, which means someone isn't telling the truth.  I find it telling how he phrased things, saying they kissed a few times because she threw herself at him.  Uhm....no.  It doesn't really work that way. So what if she DID throw herself at him?  He didn't have to go along with it, and he knows he shouldn't have.  Him claiming the big message was sent to her when he meant it for you - uhm...anything's possible, but there's doubt all thru your post, so it's very hard to believe.  Them having had a fling years ago to me just makes things all the more likely today - I'm sure there are folks out there who can become just friends after being involved, I just have never known many of them.  For things to improve between you two - if that's what you WANT - first of all, he has to STOP SPENDING SO MUCH TIME AROUND HER ALONE.  What's he thinking?  Whoever is coming on to whom, it sounds like it happens when they're alone or drunk or both.  If THEY want both of their marriages to have a chance, these two need distance between them, as in they aren't alone together at all anymore.  They can do that if it matters enough. Once there's suspicion like this, once you are thinking your spouse and she are involved, the first thing that has to happen is these two need to just end contact.  The experts say that is the very first thing that HAS to happen is all contact has to end, it simply has to.  So if you are already or become positive there is an affair going on, he needs to learn that little tidbit of info.  I really just see iffy stuff in between all the lines in your post, he seems to not be able to help himself NOT do the wrong thing again and again.  Red flag there.  I'd insist on counseling in your shoes.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:15am
Thank you so much for replying... You are right, there is so much doubt in this situation, I just don't know what to do. They have definitely ended all contact, and they had no problem doing so, but I just wonder if after everything that has happened there is any hope for our marriage. He seems very remorseful an he suggested counseling, I have been against it, I told him I want him to leave that everything is over and he is begging me to reconsider, says he loves me, that he was stupid and nothing really happened. I'm torn, on one hand I don't want to lose my family, the man I love and is normally such a good father and husband. On the other, I feel I can never trust him, This isn't a random woman, It's my sister in law and he had no respect for my family or myself. The level of humiliation I am feeling is terrible. Should counseling even be an option at this point? Thanks