My Husband Had An Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
My Husband Had An Affair
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 11:57pm

Greetings! I am new to this forum so I would like to start by saying hello and sharing a little bit about my situation.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have two beautiful children. We met 13 years ago when I was a teenager working as a cashier at the neighborhood shopping plaza. He was a regular customer who would stop in on a daily basis. After years of flirting, phone calls, and missed dates we finally got together and instantly became inseperable. The connection between us was amazing. We had quite the whirlwind romance and it wasn't long before we said "I do" and our first baby was on the way. I love everything about our story and have no regrets despite what is going on now.

My husband had an affair. But, unlike most women who find out before they file for divorce, I found out after the fact. Nine months ago, I initially filed for divorce under the grounds of addictions and emotional abuse. My husband has gone through his share of battles with alcoholism but he had been on the right trrack for a while and seemed to be doing great. He recieved a promotion at work, our daughter was accepted into a wonderful school, and we had just celebrated our wedding anniversary with a beautiful trip. We were very happy and things seemed to be going on a roll until we got back from our trip. That is when I noticed him taking a turn for the worst.

Last summer was my summer in hell. He began working more hours, spending nights at the bar, he grew increasingly distant with the children and I, flew off the handle for every little thing (at one point he raised a hammer at me and threattened to hit me!), became a total stranger to us. This person was not the same man that I knew. I have seen him during his darkest hours and nothing compared to this. His previous bouts with depression made life impossible and I often found myself walking on eggshells. I figured that he was just under a lot of stress but I was concerned about his visits to the local bar and things really changed once he got physical with me. That is when I noticed this rage in his eyes. He has always been a very laid back person (never put his hands on me) so to see him so angry and then not be able to understand where the anger stemmed from was very difficult for our family. My mother and my husband had the ideal mother-son relationship and all of a sudden he was pushing her away too.

A week before my daughter was to start school my husband came home, callously announced that he was leaving, said that he was going to stay with his parents because he needed some time to think. He handed me his wallet instert with photos of the kids and said that he cannot carry it around anymore. Then he stood there and erased our family photos from his cell phone. He was doing all of this in a rush, acting very bizarre. He grabbed a box and filled it with some clothes and left without saying good bye to the children. It was a very cold exit.

To my surprise my husband showed up for our daughter's first day of school. Before we left the building he grabbed me aside to tell me that he never wanted to be a husband or father and that he hopes I soon find someone that the children can call "Dad". I was shocked. I stood there in disbelief. Wasnt sure whether to cry or scream or slap him (I had urges to knock some sense into him). I felt such an immense anger toward him for bringing up how he felt at such an inopportune moment. It was defintely not the right time nor the right place.

I did not know how to respond other than say "So you want me to file for divorce?" and he simply replied "Yes". Like that it was over. And we did not see him for 60 days until our daughter's bday party. During that time I recieved two strange voicemails that had been forwarded from his cell phone. It was of a woman who was crying and begging him to call her (he must have been drunk and forwarded it to me by mistake). On Halloween he asked if he could join us to trick-or-treat and that is when I confronted him about those voicemails. He looked at me as if he had seen a ghost, began shaking uncontrollably, and ran to throw up in the bushes (talk about being nervous!). He tried to convince me that she was just some co-worker trying to get ahold of him yet he could not tell me her name. He has been with this company for 5 years and has never recieved a call like that.

What solidified my suspicions were the call records, credit card statements, and other documents that my lawyer was able to obtain which proved that this woman has been around DURING our marriage for at least one year (to our knowledge). The day that he announced he was leaving he wasted no time in purchasing her an expensive dress. They've been going out to dinners, movies, and he has been on some big shopping sprees which he really cannot afford to be doing. He is in debt. But that debt hasnt stopped him from splurging on fancy shirts and ties at the Mens Wearhouse ($350 each time).

My entire world came crashing down when I found out about this other woman. I feel so hurt and betrayed. And now I am left wondering if this is why he relapsed with alcohol, became physical with me, and if she is the reason why he truly left us and wants nothing to do with our kids? He has not stopped by to visit them in over two months and the few times that he did make an attempt is when the mistress would rudely interrupt the visit with constant calls. My daughter used to call my husband on Friday afternoons to share highlights of her week at school but the mistress picked up the phone and told her to stop calling. I was furious especially because my daughter is only in Kindergarten. What an evil witch! The mistress is even crying over the fact that I am still on my husband's health insurance plan...Im legally his wife! She works with my husband at the same company and is reportedly distraught to see my name on paperwork in his file.

Since I found out about the affair my husband has been very up and down with me. One minute he is making a few attempts to assure me that it is not true. He apologized for any misunderstandings. He says that he misses me, that he feels sad that I am not next to him at night, that he feels like he is going crazy because I am no longer around. Says that I took such great care of him and that nobody could ever treat him as good as I did. Then why would he cheat on me? Last month he had the nerve to say that he still thinks of coming back home and he is just using this time to figure things out. I didnt know that there was a revolving door in my home where he can just come and go as he pleases. Then the next minute everythngis my fault, I never made him feel wanted, that I should have chased after him when he left.

My husband has even made advances toward me twice since separating...if he has a mistress then why in the world is he doing this? (And no, he did not get anything from me! LOL). He has mentioned his thoughts of us going on vacation together after the divorce is final (huh?) and all kinds of other goofy things spew out of his mouth. None of this makes any sense. If he has any ounce of guilt or shame then then why does the mistress still exist? He cannot possibly be proud of himself. Why isn't he working on his sobriety and being a better father to our children? Whenever he sees me he just breaks down in tears and begins to uncontrollably sob to the point where I cannot understand a word he is trying to say. Is this simply the work of a good actor?

I no longer know what to think other than this marriage is really over. I have accepted that harsh truth and am doing everything that I can to turn this negative experience into a positive one. Does anyone have any words of comfort, strength, wisdom, hope and encouragement for a single mommy who is slowly picking up the pieces of her life?

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 8:59pm

Wow, I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain in your marriage. It's obvious this has really taken a toll on your family, and I don't blame you for feeling at a loss in knowing how to respond to your husband's behavior. But, I think first and foremost, if your husband is really serious about reconciliation, then he needs to be willing to commit to some counseling with you. Is that something you've considered or brought up? I really think that can make a huge difference in possibly working through these issues. Also, it's obviously very important to determine the truth about this affair and whether he's willing to own up to the issues in your marriage. If not, then you may want to consider a tough love approach. If you haven't heard of it, it's based on a book called Love Must Be Tough

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 12:01pm

It sounds like in many ways he is the typical man in an affair that is torn between wanting to be with the new woman, but still having a lot of guilt over leaving his family. Honestly it sounds like he wants to keep BOTH of you, and that's why even though he left to be with her, he is still making advances towards you. He'd like to keep you waiting in the wings in case the grass doesn't turn out to be greener in her backyard. However, given his anger and the emotional and physical abuse, I think he could physically hurt you someday if you stay with him. He needs some serious anger management counseling. If I were you I'd go thru with the divorce before he hurts you anymore, mentally or worse. End it and get this toxic man out of your life. You and your kids will get thru this and be much better off without him.GOOD LUCK