My Husband's Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
My Husband's Affair
5
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 11:33am

My husband recently admitted to having an emotional affair with an ex girlfriend. They both agreed that it was emotional but never physical. We were having a rough time during my pregnancy and things go worse after our daughter was born. He says that he felt unsupported and unwanted. She was giving him the attention that I was not. He says this contact stirred old feelings for her. She confessed her love for him and the friendship moved up a level. They were both telling each other that they loved each other and missed each other. He says that she tried to take it to a physical level by inviting him to her hotel room during a girl's weekend with friends. He told her no and he did not go out of town with her. He says she asked him to leave me, divorce me and be with her. He again said no to her. Her husband found their converstations on her cell phone and started texting my husband harrassing him to the point where my husband had to threaten a restraining order. I have talked to her husband and she denies some of what my husband said and says he is a liar. I assume she is attempting to cover her own butt with her husband. Her husband started making wild claims when it was obvious that he was not getting the reaction from me that he wanted. He has made it very clear that he wants to destroy my marraige with my husband because my husband was involved with his wife. Did that makes sense? LOL Anyway he made claims that he could not back up and I finally had to tell him to just keep his wife in check and leave us alone so we could fix our marriage. My husband ended the affair almost 2 weeks ago in the morning and then told me about it that evening when he got home from work. 

He says when she started asking for things like sex and him leaving me he knew that they had gone way to far. This was no longer her just making him feel special or old high schoool feelings being stirred up. That is when he realized what he was doing and what he had to lose. That is why he ended it and told me everything. He has made it very clear that he is sorry and wants to do anything and everything I ask of him to right his wrongs and save our marriage. He has in fact done everything I have asked of him. I have access to everything from phone records to email so I can feel safe and start to trust him again. He has been calling every day to check on me while he is at work. That is something he has NEVER done before. We have been married for 7 years in July and he never wore his wedding ring. He hasn't taken it off since he confessed to the affair and promises to wear it at all times. Which is something I have been asking from him for almost 7 years now. Every night after we get all 3 kids to bed we are spending time together. No computers or cell phones allowed. Just the two of us together talking and wading our way through this mess. He answers any and all questions I have honestly. He has been forcing me to cry and not letting me hold it in. He refuses to let me take any of the blame for what happened even though my distance is what started the conversations with this ex in the first place. We are seeking marraige counseling but I am still jumping through a million hoops right now trying to get all the details worked out so insurance will pay for it. Talk about a major fail in both the health care system and our insurance company. 

I think we are on a good path. We are both dedicated to saving our marraige and our family. I am still struggling mostly with that fact that he said the words "I love you" to another women. I am having trouble letting go of that fact even though he says he never loved her. He says it was nice to be wanted but it was never love with her. So any tips you have on letting go of that tidbit of information would be nice. Or any other tips on how to continue to move forward and heal would be wonderful. I am just so tired of hearing people say I should leave him or that they could never put up with it if their husband did this. Everyone is different and I truly want to forgive my husband so we can move on with our lives. Thanks for listening. 

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 3:25pm

re: tips on moving forward:

this is the post right beneath yours. It's got some really, really good advice in it:

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/betrayed-spouses-support/betrayed-spouses-support/kind-note-betrayed-spouses-one-who-has-been-there

other than that, question what it is you are getting out of allowing that tidbit to have this much emotional power over you. It could be something you take up with your therapist so you can pull that out by its roots.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 7:37am
Also, time is simply a very good healer. Whether he slept with her or not saying those words can do just as much damage. Just hold on to the fact that so long as you both want it to get better after a lot of time it usually will. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 2:10am

Sounds to me like you've got a great guy who made a mistake but is willing to do ANYTHING to make it right.  Listen, we're all human.  We are all capable of doing something we never thought we would do and are not proud of.  It could have been you, too.  I say this because I am guilty of having an affair on my ex.  I never thought I would ever do something like that.  I loved my ex with all of my heart.  But we had problems in our relationship that he would never address and never work on, and he, too, cheated on me.  But when he did it, he refused to discuss it and would get angry if I tried.  Eventually, I met someone who was as unhappy as I was in my relationship, and we had an affair.  Though there were some things that I gained from it, the reality is that it was something I regretted.  I look back on my relationship with my ex, and I know that had he been willing to work on things, talk about things, face things, we might have gotten through it, and I would not have strayed myself.  Not that I blame him for my actions.  I don't.  And it may sound strange, but I envy the position  you are in.  You have someone that has regrets and is willing to change things.  Hang on to him and be grateful for the renewed relationship you can have!!!!! 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 2:39am

  It sounds like you are doing the right things and i have read many a story and it comes down to this people forget that the relationship comes first.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 2:11am
Please just be very careful. If he is truly willing to do what it takes, and just isn't telling you want you want to hear and his decision to work on your marriage has nothing to do with the threats from her H, then go from there. But again, I urge you to be careful. My exH's emotional A turned physical after him swearing it was nothing, would never happen again, after he cried that he'd almost jeopardized everything. Cheaters are master liars. Yes, everyone is different but I beg you to be cautious. I don't want anyone to go through the pain of finding out twice they've been betrayed. I wish you the absolute best.