My husbands affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2013
My husbands affair
4
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 2:30am

Where to begin..My life was suddenly turned upside down this week. On Wednesday I found out my husband was having an affair by my neighbors husband. Yes, my husband was have an affair with my neighbor, who I have welcomed in my home on several occasions. Our children played together almost everyday. We had even went out as couples for dinner. So, my husbands side of the story is...she started by texting him about random things and then the texts/emails turned into dirty messages. My husband said at the time it was exciting. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't control himself. This all started in November. First with dirty texts/emails, then dirty pictures were exchanged. All of this went on while he was at work or I was at work. She stopped by our house on 2 occasions where my husband said she propositioned him for sex, he said he declined until the 3 time she came by. After having sex, he said he felt ashamed. But he also said they continued with the dirty emails. meh says he was disgusted by her but couldn't control himself. He tells me that there was nothing wrong/missing in our relationship and he will do whatever it takes to make this work. We have been together for 4 years and married 8 months. We don't have any children together, but I have 2 from a previous relationship. They think very highly of him and love him very much. For now, I am staying in the same house, trying to make it as normal for my kids as a possibly can. I am just so lost, I feel like I have lost my best friend. In our relationship, we rarely fought, always laughed and showed affection towards each other. We have an appointmen this week to see a therapist together. I'm not sure if that is the right decision or not. Please help!! 

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 8:41am

Having been through it many times, I can tell you that Yes, you are doing the right thing.

Take some time to figure out what has happened, what you want and set the goal for getting it. 

There are no guarantees in life, and this is the hardest one of the problems to face. The trust is broken. It may never be fixed. Only you can make those decisions, but make them for you and you alone. 

Start protecting yourself, and let time be on your side.

You don't have to make any decision today.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 9:11am

First off I want to say I am so sorry you are going through this, unfortunately many of us on this site have experienced exactly the same emotional rollercoaster you are going through, so know you are not alone. Your story is similar to mine in the fact that my husband and I were also only married for 8 months and had been together for 4 years. We also rarely fought, and were a pretty happy couple. Where are stories are a little different is that we don’t have children, and my husband’s affair was a one night stand far away while he was on a boys trip. I wanted to make sure I mentioned that because it does change things in the fact that I have never had to see the other women or like your situation actually be friends with her. You are dealing with not one but two betrayals, and I am so sorry that your husband has done this. For me personally (and I can only give you my experience, I am far from a therapist) you need to concentrate on yourself right now. I understand you have children, and of course they need to continue to be a priority, but the best advice our therapist gave us/me was that after experiencing such a traumatic event there is no way you can begin to recover until you first get through the shock of what has happened, and then concentrate on recovering (not recovering the marriage or divorcing, concentrating on yourself). I did not make any quick decision and most therapists, and articles pertaining to infidelity will say the same thing, you are not in a stable place right now to make any final decisions about your future (divorce or stay together). Your concentration should be on yourself, and your children. If your husband is truly remorseful he has to understand this. For me it took about 6 months with the help of a great therapist to come to terms with the affair, and begin to heal myself. My husband did everything he could to help, but honestly there was nothing he could do to fix what he had done. I put all my concentration into my schooling, and work. I exercised daily, I bought a dog (which helped me more than I could have imagined).  After those 6 months, even though I knew it was going to be hard, I finally felt strong enough to really dig deep and discuss the affair with my husband. Discussing the affair opened up the wound again, but it was ok, (it’s amazing how strong you will become through this, it’s so sad that an affair builds our strength, but you will literally be able to handle anything after going through this). I cried and cried for days, some days I hated him I told me several times I wish he was dead, other days I loved him so much, the pain, confusion, anxiety was more than I could handle at first. The more we talked with each other and with our therapist, the better I started to feel. I am now a year out almost to the day. And I can say that the pain I felt on day one is but just a bleep in my memory. I am still hurt, angry, and some days I still cry. But regardless if you decide to stay or leave I promise you the pain will ease. Unfortunately there is not a magic pill, that can make your pain go away, just time. Give yourself time. Your husband needs to be completely transparent to even begin to reconcile he has to fully understand what his actions has done to you and your family.  I can’t offer any advice regarding your close a proximity to the OW because I never had to deal with that or with the texting or calling. However, I would suggest (and I am sure others will too) that any contact with the OW is a complete no no. He needs to give you all his passwords, and accounts, you should have all his phone records. And me personally I would tell him that being at home from now on when you’re not there is not an option. My heart goes out to you; I am so sorry that you are going through this. I promise you it will get easier, these boards help a lot. Please take care of yourself, and know you are not alone!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 10:37am

First of all, I don't know how much help I can be, because I'm only about 2 weeks ahead of you since the discovery of my husband's affair.  Together 3 years, married 10 months.  So I know I struggle a lot with "if he cheated in the FIRST YEAR- how are we supposed to get through the next 50???"  Like you, I had to find out about the affair (found a reciept), and still have to see the other woman- she's his ex-wife who they have kids with.  It definately makes it harder.  I know I struggle a lot with if he's telling me the whole truth, so I called the ex and heard her side of the story and found out my husband was minimalizing his involvement.  I don't know if I recommend this or not... for one she's lying too.  Now I'm trying to figure out the truth between 2 liars.  But she did offer me information that I could confront my husband with and now he's understands a little more that he better come COMPLETELY clean.  Don't underestimate a betrayed woman's ability to find shit out!!!

The first week was brutal.  I went from rage to greif to panic attacks.  I have a panic disorder already, and honesty can't offer any advice on how to get through all that unless you have a LOT of xanax.  But there were also moments where I was just numb.  And I know those moments wear off, they are SUCH a relief.

The night I found out I ended up passed out drunk on top of my anxiety meds and got a nice ride to the hospital in an ambulance, where I beligerantly ripped out my iv and "tried to escape."  Did you know blood actually sprayes out when you take out an iv?  Learn something new every day...

I abandoned ALL responsibilites the first week.  Our 20 month old baby stayed with family most of the time.  He's a special needs kid, so I cancelled every one of this weekly therapies and dr. appointments.  My husband had vacation time, so he took a week off, too.  That helped.  I did NOT want to be around him but I felt better because for one, I could keep tabs on him at all times.  I also held his phone so I was the first to see all calls and texts.  Plus he was there to see first hand the pain he caused.  The paralyzing fear, the uncontrollable crying, the panic attacks that he couldn't do anything about.  He saw his betrayal went beyond "it hurt me" to seeing that it DESTROYED me.  Plus instead of sitting and dwelling all day on questions, I could ask him right then and there.  And he there to be my punching bag when I needed it.

He's remorsefull, like your husband.  Every night before we go to bed we read from a book called "Not Just Friends" and it's REALLY helpfull.  Especially reading it together so we can both point out paragraphs that strike us.  The book really shows the TRAUMA the betrayer did to the betrayed.  Plus, his family is deeply religious and they know, and they are SO dissapointed in him.  His mom just cries.  Seeing how far reaching his affair was, and how his selfishness hurt his whole family has humbled him some.

My husband's been great since the affair.  I have all his passwords and I control the bank account.  We put spyphone on his phone so I can see where he's been all day long.  I can look it up all day and track his movements.  And not answering his phone is punishable by death so he can't leave it at work and sneak off to see her.  Which I don't think he would, but I don't trust him, her, or my own judgment yet.  He's also been really affectionate which I find it VERY hard to return.  Sometimes I feel comforted, but I can't kiss him yet.  I can't even look him in the eyes yet.  I told him I don't know if I loved him anymore.  I'm just waiting for the shock to wear off.

Honestly, week 2 was pretty brutal, too.  Less numbness, more grief and hurt and panic attacks.  Still unable to care properly for my baby.  I could make sure he had clean diapers and was fed and didn't stick anything in his mouth, but I couldn't get off the couch.  I couldn't play with him and he annoyed me.  Which is something he's NEVER done.  I could stare at him play for hours, and he's really cuddly.  I lost that for a bit.  I'm on week 3, and it's just starting to come back.  I should also point out I'm on anti-depressents and anxiety meds (was before the betrayal) and if you're really bad off, talk to your doctor.

Week 3... it's getting better but it's still all consuming.  We have no happy moments.  Even when we are nice and I can accept his affections, it's all tainted.  And I still don't know if I love him.  Right now I can babysit him everytime he goes to get or drop of the kids, but I can't do that forever.  The OW is his kids' mom- she's in our lives forever.  Not only that she's made it very clear she wants this marriage to fail so he'll go back to her.  But I was able to fake a smile in public, and I can watch tv and occassionaly read a book again. I couldn't do that before because I was so obsessed I couldn't concentrate.  My baby makes me smile again.  I'm still deeply depressed and still have anxiety and panic.  But I read something last night that made me feel better.  Don't put any pressure on yourself to commit to making the marriage work or get a divorce yet.  Wait a couple of months.  In the meantime, do whatever you have to do.  If you get that phone tracker like I did, you can pull up the website any time and it will tell you if he texts her or if she texts him- even if he deletes them from his phone.  And if your husband really wants to make it work he has to be totally transparant with his whereabouts and contacts at all times.  If she texts- he needs to show you.  Preferably BEFORE you ask.

Our marriage was good.  I didn't think there were any problems.  He was still affectionate throughout the affair- we still had sex.  I keep hearing you come out of this with a stronger marriage, but I don't know if that applies to me since I was SO happy before the affair.  I can't look back and say "that problem was fixed" because I didn't know they were even there.  Will this relationship always be a sad shadow of what it was?  Or what I *thought* it was.  I waited until I was 32 to get married because I really wanted the "right" one.  And now here I am, less than a year in the marriage, regretting marrying him.

He woke me up in the middle of the night last night and said "I'm going to make you love me again.  I won't ever give up."  It was the first thing he's said that's made me feel good.

Day by day... and DAMN it hurts.  I mean people hurt but betrayal has got to be the worst feeling in the world.  I've even heard the quote "It was easier to get over my rape.  That guy was a stranger.  This was my best friend."  The person you want to turn to the most for comfort is the cause of all the pain... talk about a conundrum.

This message board helps me immensely.  I check it several times a day.  And I post if I start to get panicky.  I hope you can find some comfort.  Just get past the next week.... which I know first hand is a ridiculously long time when you feel every single second...  Good luck.  I'm so so sorry.  I can't help with any long term advice, but if you have any questions about the first few weeks, or more questions about an affair so early in the marriage, or having a husband willing to do what it takes to "fix" it... I will certainly try to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 1:11pm
I am 4.5 years from finding out about my DH's nasty A. The thought of it still disgusts me. We had been M 15 years at the time and I thought we had a great M with great sex, communication and all. Insert a slut and a MM who is not feeling good about himself and you have an A. My DH told me that the x-ow disgusted him also and that she was trash. She even told me that he treated her like she was dirt which surprised me because my DH treats me very well with the exception of the A. I will NEVER understand how a woman can sleep with a MM. Anyway, the thing that your DH must understand is that his life must be an open book to you. He needs to work hard as hell to make you feel safe in the marriage. No secrets, no individual FB accounts and you need access to all of his email accounts. He has to be willing to let you in 100%. Counseling is also a must. Your DH must dig deep to find out why he risked loosing you. Also, expose their A to everyone. Especially her DH. Exposure brings their dirty little secret out and kills the thrill of it. Start saving mad money and if he cheats again throw him out on his arse and don't look back.