My life now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2013
My life now.
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 9:45am

A week ago today my boyfriend of 7 years confessed to having a 6 month long affair with a woman 10 years older than myself. The affair was with an aquaintence of mine and a former coworker of his. During the time of the affair we bought a home together and moved in together for the first time. He claims that the affair started out as a friendship and that feelings developed. He thought that he loved her. He cared for her. The relationship turned sexual. He claims that this all "killed him" and he felt horrible the entire time. He claims that he tried to end things repeatedly but she told him that she would kill herself or tell me about the affair. She woud type out a text message to me and claim that she was going to send it.  He claims that there have been times when he would have to go "talk her down" from self injury and overdosing. Last Monday, when he told me about what happened he said that he didn't know if she was going to make it through the night and he seriously thought she was going to kill herself (he left her with her parents). 

When I ask why he didn't tell me sooner he says that he assumed that if he told me he would lose me and have nothing. He has claimed that he will never speak with her again and that if she attempts to contact him he will let me know as soon as it happens. He says that if I realize that this is all to much and I can't be with him anymore, he will still never speak with her again. He seems genuinely sorry and upset I truely believe that he is sorry and was stuck in a manipulative "relationship" with her. He claims now that what he thought was "missing" all along wasn't really anyting at all and that as soon as we moved in together he reazlied that (even though the affair continued). He claims that he never brought her to our home and that she does not know where we live. He would go there/ they would meet out, etc. Because this all happened two days before Christmas, finding a therapist who is available has been impossible. We both know that therapy is very important to the success of our relationship and have an appointment tomorrow. He has not been secretive about his whereabouts or his phone. He has left everything out on the table and will answer any question I have regarding everything. 

I feel betrayed and destroyed. Every memory I have in our home together is tainted by his ongoing lies and infatuation with the other woman. I think our love is stong and can get though this, but I am just so hurt.

How do you get passed things? How do you move forward? I feel like I should be more "mad" and upset than I am. But I am just so sad. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 11:09am

You get past things by putting them in the past where they belong.  You can't do that in just a few takes time.  If you believe him and you trusted him before, then it's time to trust him now, and move on. 

As for the "other woman".......she's obviously a manipulator and a user.  All the threats are probably just that, but he needs to tall her family what she's been they can watch her.  She's the one who needs therapy.......the two of you should give it some time and work it out on your own.  Talk to each other........good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 8:43pm

I sure do understand.  It feels like everything was just a lie and the jokes on you.  While you were decorating for the holidays, or going out to dinner or going for a walk or laughing and talking or snuggling together, there was always this Secret that you had no idea about.  It is sad.  Its heartbreaking.  

Its concerning that it happened so soon in your relationship (just moving in together).  But maybe he was afraid of the commitment and pursued something that got totally out of control.  Or maybe he is manipulating the situation to take the pressure off him.  Or maybe he is truly remorseful and in over his head.  

He sounds remorseful, but trust me, don't sweep this under the rug.  Find out everything you can.  Knowledge is power.  And find it out yourself, because his version is one-sided.  Make sure he learns his lesson.  I know that sounds harsh, but I am back here after 20 years and his affair that I didn't handle properly.  Now I'm dealing with another one, though not nearly as extreme.  But I have created a long entangled life with my husband, including children, homes, businesses, etc and it is much harder to throw my hands up and walk away.  

My therapist said to me long ago " Move forward with him if that is what you want to do.  But always keep your eyes wide open."  Good advice.  Too bad i was such a trusting sap.  Never again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 2:11am

Well, the guy already knows he had no right to cheat on you and screw up your relationship.  If you look at the other side of it all - meaning her - he is not responsible for what she does, if she hurts herself or kills herself, it doesn't reflect on him, it only points to mental problems.  The sooner he lets go of her the better for both of them.  Your job here is to be sure you are able to put this into the past, a 7-year relationship is pretty long and not as easy to just give up as a quick one.  You ARE betrayed, you ARE destroyed, he has broken your heart.  When people stop thinking with their brains it has nowhere to go but bad to worse.  We've all been there on these boards, we've likely felt the same things you're feeling now.  Of course your emotions are all over the place, it's been years in our household and I still go back and forth, wanting it all to work out but at the very same time that anger just won't quite go away.  The AP usually IS very manipulative, it took my DH a long time to see that - no none likes realizing they've been had.  You do need the counseling, I'm forever saying it's just too hard to try to get thru this without help, it's just too confusing.