My life is so...lifeless
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|Sun, 05-19-2013 - 7:09am|
I don't even know if this belong to this board at all, but as it all began when my husband did what he did I post it in here.
I don't even remember how many years ago it happened and it doesn't matter anyway as this ia about how my life looks like since a few years now (and it extends to the years before as well, so not only my husband is responsible for it all. And without describing in detail what has been going on the last few years I'd like to scream out that I am lacking of life! I am so lacking of life! I know what caused this state I am in but I don't know when this will end or if it will end some day at all. Before DDay we had many years choking full with problems. I suffered from postpartum depression which became chronically, I started a business which ruined us almost completely (and we still pay off the rest of my dues) and which is the cause for all our financial problems, and then someday my husband thought it was a good idea to spend a night with another woman (at a night camp of our sons who slept in another tent a few meters away), passionately kissing and petting and just stopping right before the big final, a woman he was dreaming about quite a while I am sure. So this is the short version of my story which I have told in detail in other threads quite some time ago.
My current reason for my scream for life: due to our constantly tight financial situation I very often do not join my husband and sons when they spend days or evening at some local festivities. I only join them when my boys have a soccer match as I want to be with them. My husband is youth director of our local sports club and he is also soccer coach. He is active as well and participates regularly in soccer training session of his team and plays at matches as well. Then there are regular meetings at the sports club with the other executives. So all in all he is quite busy with it all and almost everyday at the sports club or at other clubs or at meetings or at other casual get-togethers. And it is not only duty, is it fun as well for him as all his friends and acquaintances are there as well. It includes beer drinking, chatting, etc. as well, of course. So he has a hobby that he loves a lot and that he follows a lot as well. He is kind of limited by our financial tightness as well but it doesn't hurt him that much as much of the costs (for eating and drinking etc.) are carried by the club or others. So it it easy for him to go out and have a good time. When my sons are with him they are being taken care of as well of course and we always make sure that they don't have to suffer too much because of our lack of money. I usually only go with them when I have to help at some festivities at the club as then I don't have to pay for my drinks and food. This is my only occasion to meet other people, this is where my friends and good acquaintances are. I am often so frustrated and angry that my husband doens't need to limit his going out with friends etc. and I have to. Yesterday and today my husband and the boys are away again. Yesterday they participated in the procession for a festivity of your neighbouring sports club and had some fun afterwards at the fair. When I fetched them I only heard complaints about being fetched to early, having had too less money to spend there etc. etc., my older son complained about his smartphone working not the way he wants it to work (it works it is brandnew and a gift from us for his confirmation and it works - and it was expensive, but he got it because all his frineds have this phone and we want to make sure he doesn't become an outsider...you know how fast this happens. We cannot afford going on holiday, we cannot afford eating out or other things our kids notice very well with others, but it is okay for them as long as they at leats partly have the same stuff as the others. And they are not unthankful, only kids with wishes of which the majority cannot be fulfilled anyway.). I was so frustrated and angry with them even when I knew it was not their fault we don't have any money. It is exclusively my fault. But I regretted myself for not being able to take part in normal social activities like that because we just don't have the money for it. My husband is lucky to be in the position he is in, I am not so lucky. I'd like to amuse myself as well from time to time, but I cannot. I'd like to sit wiht other people at a table, having fun, drinking a glass of wine, and not only meet them when they order something from me and when I bring them their drinks and food. Today is the same. In the afternoon there is a soccer tournament. I didn't go with them as it lasts several hours and my kids will want some ice cream etc. so I let them have their fun. My husband took drinks and sandwiches with him so they don't have to pay for that. I could have joined them but I was so frustrated that I just wasn't able to get over myself and go with them. Lots of self-pity here. My husband is helping out at the bar of the festivity this evening, so a lot of free drinks and fun for him again. I stay at home with the kids. (When I work I don't drink, only have a coke and some food there, but my husband likes drinking anyway (he is no alcoholic but there are occasions when he definitely drinks too much. All the other do too but I hate it if he does. I like a glass of wine as well but I don#t like heavy drinking.)). Do you know what? I envy my husband. He enjoys life, even if we don't have enough money. OI cannot enjoy life. I don't have one, to be honest.
Then: the relationship between my husband and me is easy to describe: we are a parental team, quite a good one (isn't that astonishing enough? But it is the truth.), we are a good mom and a good dad, we act in concert, we have fun together, we have good conversations together even if I have to admit that we don't talk as much as we did when we were a loving couple. We don't argue and if it happens it is a very short argument. But: we are no couple anymore, in the romantic, loving, sexual sense of the word. There was some sexuality after DDay, sometimes as hot as never before, but then it all vanished. I don't even remember when we had sex last time but it must be more than one year ago, rather one and a half. I tried thinking about just having sex with him, without any feeling, any resentments, just for the sake of having sex at all. it is not possible for me. So I don't have sex, and I miss it a lot. Sometimes my longings for a sex partner is so strong I could cry. In my despair I was looking at much younger men only to have at least some fantasies. Now I am looking at almost any man that could half-way excite me to feel something at all. I don't know what my hsuband does and to be honest I don't care about it. Someday he will have another woman, I'm sure. I only hope my kids are grown up then and don't suffer because of it. I will suffer as well, I know it, but rather because he has found someone again and I won't find anybody. Also, I dont want a new relationship. I want exactly this family in exactly its original constellation (which means their dad and mom are at home with them), and I want some sex, some secret sex maybe. But unfortunately I am too fat meanwhile to catch any glimpses from men at all. Okay another reason to be frustrated and feel sorry for myself.
I feel liek I have lost my life. I am only here to worry about money, to make some effort in making some money, to never suceed in it, and to pass my life here at a home I don't feel comfortable in because I have lost most of my ability to keep a house tidy and clean and to create a environment where people feel comfortable and happy. I am here to pass the time, nothing more. I'm not happy, and even though I am trying desperately trying to think the opposite (which works from time to time but not permanently) on the whole I stay unhappy. I am envious of my husband and this is causing so much negative feeling for him is won't do my family do good.
Thanks for listening even if it was a long rant.