My life is so...lifeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
My life is so...lifeless
9
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 7:09am

Hello,

I don't even know if this belong to this board at all, but as it all began when my husband did what he did I post it in here.

I don't even remember how many years ago it happened and it doesn't matter anyway as this ia about how my life looks like since a few years now (and it extends to the years before as well, so not only my husband is responsible for it all. And without describing in detail what has been going on the last few years I'd like to scream out that I am lacking of life! I am so lacking of life! I know what caused this state I am in but I don't know when this will end or if it will end some day at all. Before DDay we had many years choking full with problems. I suffered from postpartum depression which became chronically, I started a business which ruined us almost completely (and we still pay off the rest of my dues) and which is the cause for all our financial problems, and then someday my husband thought it was a good idea to spend a night with another woman (at a night camp of our sons who slept in another tent a few meters away), passionately kissing and petting and just stopping right before the big final, a woman he was dreaming about quite a while I am sure. So this is the short version of my story which I have told in detail in other threads quite some time ago.

My current reason for my scream for life: due to our constantly tight financial situation I very often do not join my husband and sons when they spend days or evening at some local festivities. I only join them when my boys have a soccer match as I want to be with them. My husband is youth director of our local sports club and he is also soccer coach. He is active as well and participates regularly in soccer training session of his team and plays at matches as well. Then there are regular meetings at the sports club with the other executives. So all in all he is quite busy with it all and almost everyday at the sports club or at other clubs or at meetings or at other casual get-togethers. And it is not only duty, is it fun as well for him as all his friends and acquaintances are there as well. It includes beer drinking, chatting, etc. as well, of course. So he has a hobby that he loves a lot and that he follows a lot as well. He is kind of limited by our financial tightness as well but it doesn't hurt him that much as much of the costs (for eating and drinking etc.) are carried by the club or others. So it it easy for him to go out and have a good time. When my sons are with him they are being taken care of as well of course and we always make sure that they don't have to suffer too much because of our lack of money. I usually only go with them when I have to help at some festivities at the club as then I don't have to pay for my drinks and food. This is my only occasion to meet other people, this is where my friends and good acquaintances are. I am often so frustrated and angry that my husband doens't need to limit his going out with friends etc. and I have to. Yesterday and today my husband and the boys are away again. Yesterday they participated in the procession for a festivity of your neighbouring sports club and had some fun afterwards at the fair. When I fetched them I only heard complaints about being fetched to early, having had too less money to spend there etc. etc., my older son complained about his smartphone working not the way he wants it to work (it works it is brandnew and a gift from us for his confirmation and it works - and it was expensive, but he got it because all his frineds have this phone and we want to make sure he doesn't become an outsider...you know how fast this happens. We cannot afford going on holiday, we cannot afford eating out or other things our kids notice very well with others, but it is okay for them as long as they at leats partly have the same stuff as the others. And they are not unthankful, only kids with wishes of which the majority cannot be fulfilled anyway.). I was so frustrated and angry with them even when I knew it was not their fault we don't have any money. It is exclusively my fault. But I regretted myself for not being able to take part in normal social activities like that because we just don't have the money for it. My husband is lucky to be in the position he is in, I am not so lucky. I'd like to amuse myself as well from time to time, but I cannot. I'd like to sit wiht other people at a table, having fun, drinking a glass of wine, and not only meet them when they order something from me and when I bring them their drinks and food. Today is the same. In the afternoon there is a soccer tournament. I didn't go with them as it lasts several hours and my kids will want some ice cream etc. so I let them have their fun. My husband took drinks and sandwiches with him so they don't have to pay for that. I could have joined them but I was so frustrated that I just wasn't able to get over myself and go with them. Lots of self-pity here. My husband is helping out at the bar of the festivity this evening, so a lot of free drinks and fun for him again. I stay at home with the kids. (When I work I don't drink, only have a coke and some food there, but my husband likes drinking anyway (he is no alcoholic but there are occasions when he definitely drinks too much. All the other do too but I hate it if he does. I like a glass of wine as well but I don#t like heavy drinking.)). Do you know what? I envy my husband. He enjoys life, even if we don't have enough money. OI cannot enjoy life. I don't have one, to be honest.

Then: the relationship between my husband and me is easy to describe: we are a parental team, quite a good one (isn't that astonishing enough? But it is the truth.), we are a good mom and a good dad, we act in concert, we have fun together, we have good conversations together even if I have to admit that we don't talk as much as we did when we were a loving couple. We don't argue and if it happens it is a very short argument. But: we are no couple anymore, in the romantic, loving, sexual sense of the word. There was some sexuality after DDay, sometimes as hot as never before, but then it all vanished. I don't even remember when we had sex last time but it must be more than one year ago, rather one and a half. I tried thinking about just having sex with him, without any feeling, any resentments, just for the sake of having sex at all. it is not possible for me. So I don't have sex, and I miss it a lot. Sometimes my longings for a sex partner is so strong I could cry. In my despair I was looking at much younger men only to have at least some fantasies. Now I am looking at almost any man that could half-way excite me to feel something at all. I don't know what my hsuband does and to be honest I don't care about it. Someday he will have another woman, I'm sure. I only hope my kids are grown up then and don't suffer because of it. I will suffer as well, I know it, but rather because he has found someone again and I won't find anybody. Also, I dont want a new relationship. I want exactly this family in exactly its original constellation (which means their dad and mom are at home with them), and I want some sex, some secret sex maybe. But unfortunately I am too fat meanwhile to catch any glimpses from men at all. Okay another reason to be frustrated and feel sorry for myself.

I feel liek I have lost my life. I am only here to worry about money, to make some effort in making some money, to never suceed in it, and to pass my life here at a home I don't feel comfortable in because I have lost most of my ability to keep a house tidy and clean and to create a environment where people feel comfortable and happy. I am here to pass the time, nothing more. I'm not happy, and even though I am trying desperately trying to think the opposite (which works from time to time but not permanently) on the whole I stay unhappy. I am envious of my husband and this is causing so much negative feeling for him is won't do my family do good.

Thanks for listening even if it was a long rant.

ke

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 2:13pm

I don't think you will solve any of your problems if you don't solve the major one, which is depression--you just sound so sad & life less.  Of course many of the things  you complain about are under your control.  If you complain that you are fat--well do something about it--you can exercise which will increase the endorphins that make you happy anyway--for people who are depressed, exercise is recommended.

Since you used the word meters I assume you aren't in the US, so I don't know what healthcare system you are on as far as getting private counseling but it's really necessary.  You aren't happy in your marriage right now & don't want to have sex w/ your DH, but you do want sex and figure that your DH is eventually going to cheat on you, which might be true due to the lack of sex--so what are you going to do about that?  You want your original family intact so wouldn't it be worth the effort to make a happy marriage if you are able to forgive your DH?  If you aren't able to forgive him, then you might as well get a divorce & go find someone else.  And why would you assume that he will easily be able to find someone else & you won't?  You just never know.

I think this situation where you let your DH go out & have fun and fun w/ the kids & you stay home & then resent it later is just terrible.  Does he tell you that you should stay home or is it you being a martyr?  You really have to figure out ways that you can keep doing things as a family & as a couple--if you are always apart, then you aren't going to have a strong relationship either.  It doesn't seem like it would cost money to go to the boys' soccer games if he is bringing lunch from home anyway or to go to some festival.  If your friends are also at the soccer club, then you have as much right to go there & see your friends as he does.  In fact the lack of  you having time to spend with friends is also probably contributing to your depression.

Well I can't really solve all your problems here cause they seem kind of overwhelming, but this is really no way to live.  Good luck.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 2:42pm

pearljamforever wrote:
<p>Hello,</p><p>I don't even know if this belong to this board at all, but as it all began when my husband did what he did I post it in here.</p><p>I don't even remember how many years ago it happened and it doesn't matter anyway as this ia about how my life looks like since a few years now (and it extends to the years before as well, so not only my husband is responsible for it all. And without describing in detail what has been going on the last few years I'd like to scream out that I am lacking of life! I am so lacking of life! I know what caused this state I am in but I don't know when this will end or if it will end some day at all. Before DDay we had many years choking full with problems. I suffered from postpartum depression which became chronically, I started a business which ruined us almost completely (and we still pay off the rest of my dues) and which is the cause for all our financial problems, and then someday my husband thought it was a good idea to spend a night with another woman (at a night camp of our sons who slept in another tent a few meters away), passionately kissing and petting and just stopping right before the big final, a woman he was dreaming about quite a while I am sure. So this is the short version of my story which I have told in detail in other threads quite some time ago. </p><p>My current reason for my scream for life: due to our constantly tight financial situation I very often do not join my husband and sons when they spend days or evening at some local festivities. I only join them when my boys have a soccer match as I want to be with them. My husband is youth director of our local sports club and he is also soccer coach. He is active as well and participates regularly in soccer training session of his team and plays at matches as well. Then there are regular meetings at the sports club with the other executives. So all in all he is quite busy with it all and almost everyday at the sports club or at other clubs or at meetings or at other casual get-togethers. And it is not only duty, is it fun as well for him as all his friends and acquaintances are there as well. It includes beer drinking, chatting, etc. as well, of course. So he has a hobby that he loves a lot and that he follows a lot as well. He is kind of limited by our financial tightness as well but it doesn't hurt him that much as much of the costs (for eating and drinking etc.) are carried by the club or others. So it it easy for him to go out and have a good time. When my sons are with him they are being taken care of as well of course and we always make sure that they don't have to suffer too much because of our lack of money. I usually only go with them when I have to help at some festivities at the club as then I don't have to pay for my drinks and food. This is my only occasion to meet other people, this is where my friends and good acquaintances are. I am often so frustrated and angry that my husband doens't need to limit his going out with friends etc. and I have to. Yesterday and today my husband and the boys are away again. Yesterday they participated in the procession for a festivity of your neighbouring sports club and had some fun afterwards at the fair. When I fetched them I only heard complaints about being fetched to early, having had too less money to spend there etc. etc., my older son complained about his smartphone working not the way he wants it to work (it works it is brandnew and a gift from us for his confirmation and it works - and it was expensive, but he got it because all his frineds have this phone and we want to make sure he doesn't become an outsider...you know how fast this happens. We cannot afford going on holiday, we cannot afford eating out or other things our kids notice very well with others, but it is okay for them as long as they at leats partly have the same stuff as the others. And they are not unthankful, only kids with wishes of which the majority cannot be fulfilled anyway.). I was so frustrated and angry with them even when I knew it was not their fault we don't have any money. It is exclusively my fault. But I regretted myself for not being able to take part in normal social activities like that because we just don't have the money for it. My husband is lucky to be in the position he is in, I am not so lucky. I'd like to amuse myself as well from time to time, but I cannot. I'd like to sit wiht other people at a table, having fun, drinking a glass of wine, and not only meet them when they order something from me and when I bring them their drinks and food. Today is the same. In the afternoon there is a soccer tournament. I didn't go with them as it lasts several hours and my kids will want some ice cream etc. so I let them have their fun. My husband took drinks and sandwiches with him so they don't have to pay for that. I could have joined them but I was so frustrated that I just wasn't able to get over myself and go with them. Lots of self-pity here. My husband is helping out at the bar of the festivity this evening, so a lot of free drinks and fun for him again. I stay at home with the kids. (When I work I don't drink, only have a coke and some food there, but my husband likes drinking anyway (he is no alcoholic but there are occasions when he definitely drinks too much. All the other do too but I hate it if he does. I like a glass of wine as well but I don#t like heavy drinking.)). Do you know what? I envy my husband. He enjoys life, even if we don't have enough money. OI cannot enjoy life. I don't have one, to be honest.</p><p>Then: the relationship between my husband and me is easy to describe: we are a parental team, quite a good one (isn't that astonishing enough? But it is the truth.), we are a good mom and a good dad, we act in concert, we have fun together, we have good conversations together even if I have to admit that we don't talk as much as we did when we were a loving couple. We don't argue and if it happens it is a very short argument. But: we are no couple anymore, in the romantic, loving, sexual sense of the word. There was some sexuality after DDay, sometimes as hot as never before, but then it all vanished. I don't even remember when we had sex last time but it must be more than one year ago, rather one and a half. I tried thinking about just having sex with him, without any feeling, any resentments, just for the sake of having sex at all. it is not possible for me. So I don't have sex, and I miss it a lot. Sometimes my longings for a sex partner is so strong I could cry. In my despair I was looking at much younger men only to have at least some fantasies. Now I am looking at almost any man that could half-way excite me to feel something at all. I don't know what my hsuband does and to be honest I don't care about it. Someday he will have another woman, I'm sure. I only hope my kids are grown up then and don't suffer because of it. I will suffer as well, I know it, but rather because he has found someone again and I won't find anybody. Also, I dont want a new relationship. I want exactly this family in exactly its original constellation (which means their dad and mom are at home with them), and I want some sex, some secret sex maybe. But unfortunately I am too fat meanwhile to catch any glimpses from men at all. Okay another reason to be frustrated and feel sorry for myself.</p><p>I feel liek I have lost my life. I am only here to worry about money, to make some effort in making some money, to never suceed in it, and to pass my life here at a home I don't feel comfortable in because I have lost most of my ability to keep a house tidy and clean and to create a environment where people feel comfortable and happy. I am here to pass the time, nothing more. I'm not happy, and even though I am trying desperately trying to think the opposite (which works from time to time but not permanently) on the whole I stay unhappy. I am envious of my husband and this is causing so much negative feeling for him is won't do my family do good.</p><p>Thanks for listening even if it was a long rant.</p><p>ke</p>

It sounds to me as if you've never addressed the depression effectively and as a result, it has impacted your ability to be able to see your way out of your present and 'TEMPORARY situation.  That's right--TEMPORARY.  It may look like it's here forever, but that's only if you want it to be that way.  The fact taht you're speaking up about it, even if it's here, says that you're trying to fight your way out of this.  But the first thing you need to address is resolving the issues from the post partum depression that has morphed into a persistant depression for you.

I'm addressing the rest of this through the prism of it sounding like you want your marriage:

Also--have you tried to forgive your husband and yourself for letting your(self) and your family down)?  You might want to look into that.  To forgive means that you release yourself from a prison that the power from his affair and your bad business investment have built and locked you in.... you have the key to release yourself.  Otherwise, what you are presently experiencing is the payoff for not forgiving: you see that your husband and everyone else has gotten on with life: they're not sitting with you in your prison with you.  Meanwhile, you are wallowing in misery, giving up each day passing you by, awaiting the grave.

I think that you need to cut yourself some slack and quit being so hard on yourself. Start considering yourself more lovingly.  This punishing yourself is not good for your emotional well being.  Denying yourself pleasure in this lifetime is not the way to correct the past... and I mean pleasure in where you find yourself today; the little joys which await you every day. Take a tip from your husband--he's not letting the weight of finances get him down; he's taking the lemons and is making lemonade.  So things haven't turned out the way you'd envisioned---life turned your goals around for a reason--might as well learn to go with it until such a time that you can build critical mass and move past the blockade that's keeping you, financially, from where you want to be. 

I understand that what you want is how things used to be; however, nothing makes the earth spin backwards for any of us to get a do-over, so we must deal from where we stand each day, each moment.  You have to learn to let go of living in the past because it's not coming back for you.  The way you let go of trying to drag that past back is to sit down and tell your husband that you forgive him--and understand and articulate to him that which you're forgiving him.  The next thing you need to do is to go to the doctor and get a check up and to tell them about the difficulty you're having with depression. 

If you feel your weight is an issue, then do something that will start you on the path to weight loss. Again, make sure the doctor has checked you out to rule out anything that may be serious.  Then, cut one bad thing out of your diet starting this week and this time next week, cut something else out; replace that bad thing with something good.  Go walk for 40 minutes--put an inspirational audiobook on your iPod and go walk.  You won't lose 60lbs the first week, but  you will be telling your body "a new sheriff is in town" so that it starts giving up 1-2 lbs/week. (I've done that starting this year and so far, I've lost 20 lbs.)

Tell your husband you want to hire a maid service to come in an give the house a really good cleaning.  Sometimes, just the cleaning of the house can do wonders for one's mood...  it gets rid of negative and blocked energy so that new ideas can flow freely.  Once you've decluttered your abode, you may come up with tangible solutions to your financial issues.  Sometimes, change in one area will unblock other areas, and give you that critical mass you need to move through.

Try not to succumb to the negativity. I know "easier said that done", which is why I said "try". Everything has a season, and bad times do not stick around longer than they need to teach the lesson. Don't invite it to overstay its welcome and start receiving mail at your house, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 9:37pm
OK Pearljam. You and I have been around this board for about the same amount of time. You have helped me by responding to my posts and hopefully... I can help you this time. First and foremost, you must MUST get help for your depression. you are on a terrible road and by denying yourself little pleasures you are only feeding that depression monster. Have you considered doing some volunteer work? It doesn't cost you anything and it will get you around other people. Plus seeing those who have it worse than you can also help you realize how much you do have. The next thing I would challenge you to do is to create a list. Every day. On that list I would love to see you write one thing you are thankful for every day. Even on crappy days you can be thankful for something. For instance, you can be thankful for the pouring down rain because it cancelled everyone's plans and you got to spend the day as a family. Or you can be thankful that you saw your kids laugh. There is ALWAYS something. Another thing is I would love to see you do some POSITIVE thinking. For instance, every time you go down a bad thought road, stop yourself. Just stop. Replace that thought with something positive. I am not going to say it is easy, but it can help. Finally, I agree with the earlier post about working on your own forgiveness. You just have to accept that you are no longer going to allow yourself to beat yourself up just because your business failed. You are not the first,nor the last to have a business go south. That said you have learned a lot from it and if you can pull some good from it and move forward you will only help yourself. I hate to see you so sad this far out. I can appreciate the feelings with your spouse. I totally get the parenting partnership. My D-day was 1/5/2011. And in that times there are many days I feel that we are not the same, nor will we ever be that way again. But, we are comfortable and right now that is fine with me. It will either be fine with H or not. That isn't my problem. He broke my marriage and now we have left what we have. But, for me it is an okay situation. I love him. Differently now and always guarded, but I do love him. If that isn't enough for him, then that is his problem. As for you. I think if you focus on something good just a small thing every day and make yourself think positively, I imagine you will find an amazing self transformation and when that happens you will shine. I hope you feel better. You have been a rock for me during my rough times, and I hope that you don't feel I am being rough on you in this post. I only want you to feel better about yourself and recognize the wonderful strong attributes that you do have. God's blessings to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 9:38pm
Grrr. Don't even know why I bothered writing that in nice paragraphs, if IV was going to reformat it. UGH! These message boards are so difficult these days! :-D
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 3:44pm

Pearljamforever,

First of all, I hope you're feeling better today.  I know that sometimes we can get into a real funk and the next day it doesn't seem as bad.  Some days we just need a good rant...or maybe a good cry.

I agree with the others you need to figure out some way to help yourself.  I realize this can seem next to impossible when we feel so utterly defeated before we even begin, but your well-being is important.  I know you already know this.  You wouldn't have posted about your life being so lifeless if you weren't already aware of the problem.  Your awareness needs to be acknowledged...by you.  Give yourself credit for recognizing the problem.  A lot of people aren't that far along in their recovery.  You recognize a lot of things that some refuse to acknowledge.  You can see that you are indulging in a pity-party.  You acknowledge and admit you're envious of your husband.  Although these may seem trivial on the surface, taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings is a major step in recovery.  It's the beginning of being in charge of your life.  It's one of those baby steps.  Good job.

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 12:46pm

Hello there,

first of all I'd like to say thank you for the time youall spent writing me - I appreciate that a lot!

I was much better in the evening of that day, I always know it takes only a few hours, but in the acute state I have to get it off my chest. Everything feels much worse than it is in reality, but I guess this is part of my self-pity-show. It is nothing but self-pity, I knwo it because I have behaved like that ever since. My sis is quite good in analyzing me and she always tells me to stop this.

It is true that my depression became chronical, but I have recognized that since a few years not depression is the problem any longer - it is these thinking patterns I have made a habit. It is not a doctor I need, or medication, it is a change of mind, and this is exactly what I have just started training some months ago. It is on days like the one when I posted when I fall back into old habits, old thinking habits, and it is absolutely no good. I have begun with meditation, awareness exercises, and it does me a lot of good. I also practise positive thinking. It is hard but if you stick with it it works like a charm. My only problem is that I am not very consistent in practising, and as I am still at the beginning I keep falling back again and again. My sister reminded me last sunday after I have told her the same I have told you that all the wise men of India and wherever they live had to work very hard and each and every day to reach this every lasting peace of mind, samadhi, bliss, so no wonder I have to go through the same. I immediately started practising again and from this moment on everything went smoothly again.

It is true that on the whole I don't lead a life I would call completely happy, and my relationship - or rather missing sexual relationship to my husband - and our tight financial situation are the parts I am really unhappy about. But it is not the case that I am crying all the time or being sad. I am sad on some days and then I am so exaggeratedly sad that I have to tell somebody - you were the adressee last time. Okay, these are substantial parts of my life, but I have to think about it all for some length of time, I guess. one thing is sure: I won't get divorced. Period. I would if we fought every day, if we didn't get along anymore, but that's just not the case. I don't feel imprisoned in this relationship, I don't want to puke when I see his face (get what I mean? *lol*)...I just don't want to sleep with him anymore. I love my husband as my fellow-parent, as the father of my kids, but I don't love him as my sexual partner. That's over and I don't even feel bitter about it. But I miss sex. I really do. But sleeping with him feels like I had sex with my brother (it sounds eerie, I know, but that's exactly how it feels). I will find an answer to it all someday and it won't be too late then.

Oh, and one more thing: yes, I need to exercise to get rid of the fat. I know that. Imagine: I'm an accomplished and licensed fitness and aerobic trainer. Believe it or not, but I have gained all this weight despite of it. I know exactly how to exercise, how to eat...I'm just lazy. I really am. This is another thing I don't admire myself for. Okay, taking all these meds for so many years has messed up my metabolism completely and it is harde than you think to lose weight when taking drugs - and even after it. But I know I have to work harder on it.

Some day I will have a breakthrough but until then there will be enough days where everything seems senseless. I just have to keep this in mind and everything will work out fine.

Please don't think I'm backpedaling, I'm really not. And you are so right in so many of the things you have written. I noticed it all and will memorize it whenever I need it, so thank you again so much for being there! I hope I can give some advice someday as well!

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 11:23am

Dear Pearl,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time, but you are very depressed and NOT lazy. I know, because my depression was EXACTLY like yours. The thought patterns you are talking about are what cause the depressions, but they are also part of it. While your exercises are wonderful, they are not taking care of the root cause of WHY you think the way you do and are not really changing them. You NEED therapy for that, which also will change your views on your marriage, etc. You may also need medication, but not forever. Often, what people don't understand, the medication is to lift you up enough so that you can do the work you need to overcome it. That is what I did and seeing the right therapist is the only way to get out of the depression. 

I know you are low on funds -- you need to look into free clinics, sliding scale doctors, whatever is available in your area. You cannot change this on your own, you need help. I know, I was there, with the thought patterns, etc. I worked on it and I have not been depressed in more than a decade. Please, I lived throught EXACTLY what you have and I know it works.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 9:35am

Tobermory.. YOu said many profound things and sorry to hijack this thread but you are so right..

Sorry to say something about myself but it relates  here somewhat... I didnt have much money so I went to a sliding scale clinic which yes they are out there if you have limited funds . unfortunately though I  went on high blood pressure meds but  I figure I can use this for now to help me and then find some other alternatives and work on getting myself healthy again.. Well I am still on meds but have lost weight and changed my diet and lifestyle and am working on getting off the medication  but as you say do the work to overcome things even if its a slow process we can get there.

Thank You

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2012
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 1:17pm

To find a health center that works on a sliding scale you can go to the HRSA.gov webpage and choose "find a health center".  Enter your zip code and it will retrieve results based on the closest (in miles from center of zipcode) center first. Many health centers have mental health services available. Good luck to you.