Is my marriage worth saving?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is my marriage worth saving?
4
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 10:20pm

I never thought I would be in this situation, but I'm really trying to figure out if my marriage is worth salvaging. My wife is not the same person that I married nearly 20 years ago. I didn't expect that either of us would be the same after that amount of time, but she has turned into someone that I question her values and no longer trust.

I thought things were going well in our lives until about 3 years ago. We both had good jobs, a nice house, and 3 wonderful kids. She came home from work one day and told me that she lost her job as the branch manager for a bank. She said that some accounts were not right and since none of the tellers could be found at fault that she was held responsible. She quickly finds another job and all seems well. Fast forward about six months and a warrant is delivered to our door accusing her of embezzlement. At that point, she admits to me that she took the money from the bank but really has no explanation for her actions. She acts remorseful, takes her punishment, and all seems well again.

A few months later, she leaves her laptop unattended with an email invitation from another man. I never had a reason to be suspicious until then, but I started paying attention. I gathered enough evidence that I could not deny that she was having an affair and confronted her with it. She made excuses about me not giving her the attention that she needed and promised that it would never happen again. We both agreed to attend therapy and things seemed to be going well for a while.

In June of this year, I found evidence on her cell phone of affairs with a few men. She swore that they didn't mean anything and there was nothing going on. More excuses, more blaming her actions on me, and more promises that she would break them off and it would never happen again. This was a really troubling time to discover more infidelity because I was about to leave for my two weeks of annual training with the National Guard and I had just accepted a new job that would require being away during the week and coming home on the weekends.

Five days into my training, I injure my knee and come home early to find my kids home alone. That alone is not a big deal (the oldest is 16), but the fact that they did not know where their mother was and she doesn't answer her cell phone or respond to text messages. When she finally came home, she said she was out with the girls. I'm not feeling well to begin with so I just accept it and move on. A couple of weeks later, I'm doing some work on her laptop and I find some pics of her and another guy at Redskins training camp. This was during the time that I was supposed to be gone for annual training and instead laid up with a bum knee. At that point, I installed a keylogger on her laptop and started monitoring the internet traffic in our house. I found that she had created a secret Facebook page so that she could talk to this guy. She had been leaving the kids at home alone during the day all summer so that she could spend time with him. I confront her again and this time she deletes the Facebook profile and the Yahoo account that she was using to meet guys.

At this point, she still says that she loves me and wants to be with me. I'm living in an apartment several hours away during the week and traveling back home on the weekends mainly to spend time with our kids. We talk via Skype during the week and constantly text each other during the day but I don't know if I can continue. This is not the girl I fell in love with years ago and I despise these new values and behavior. I even question how she can help raise our children with this behavior. 

She knows what she has done is wrong. She has told me that she doesn't deserve me for sticking with her for what she has put our family through and what she has done to me. I have tried to forgive and forget, but I have had the same conversation with her three times this summer. Is it time to move on or is there a chance that we can fix our marriage?

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 11:07am
Your spouse is a serial offender. I can relate to that, my spouse had four affairs.

1) I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this.

2) Hire a lawyer. It's time.

3) Get a therapist for you. You do not have the skill set to deal with this. (nobody does when they discover their spouse cheating on them) A therapist will help you gain that skill set.

4) Work the 180.

5) Next day air the book “Getting Past the Affair” from amazon. I cut up another book and glued the covers to the cover of this book so I could read it on the train into work. Devour it.


6) Keep writing your experience. It is cathartic. I would often print it out and hand it to my therapist before we got started. It helped.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:56am
I can see forgiving ONE affair, but only IF the spouse is truly remorseful and has truly learned a lesson NEVER to repeat the behavior. BUT it sounds like you're wife is a serial cheater and has already proven to you that she isn't going to stop this behavior. And the thing is living several hours apart from her she has the opportunity to continue doing this. I'd have to agree with her when she says "She doesn't deserve you" and if I were you I would have divorced her after I found out about the 2nd guy. She's obviously not happy being married to you or she would not continue doing this. And believe me, most people would NOT have put up with this after the first time. I think it's more than time to move on, unless you want to spend the rest of your life monitoring her behavior and watching her like a hawk. Absolutely NO way to live. And I don't see how there can be any trust left at all after multiple incidents of cheating.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:32am

First IMO suggest a very good divorce lawyer to advise you on what you would face if you decide to divorce as it will be very expensive.  The keylogger on "her" computer is a legal liability for you.  Also her actions may have deep psychology that needs treatment.  If she has been a SAHM after the criminal action then that puts you in a bad position that will need a very skilled lawyer to advise you. 

dragowoman