My Rapist

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
My Rapist
5
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 6:26pm

I was raped several years ago. I still live in the same city as I did then but I have managed to move around often enough to feel safe that my rapist would never locate me.

Recently my husband reconnected with an old friend from high school (on Facebook) who he has had nothing to do with for 26 years but who also happens to be best friends with my rapist. My husband knew about this connection and still moved forward.

When I found out about this I told him I wasn't comfortable with any of it. He proceeded to accuse me of not supporting a friendship that was "important" to him. I told him I didn't understand how a person whom he has had nothing to do with for 26 years could be more important than the fact this person is friends with the man who raped his wife (of 22 years). I told him I was far from being comfortable with the fact information that he relayed to his friend (ie: about our child, where we live, etc) could equally be relayed to my rapist when the two of them were hanging out. He blew it off and basically told me I was over-reacting and seeking attention.

I have found myself confused because I don't feel that I am being unreasonable nor unfair. I don't feel that after 22 years of marriage to him that I should come in second place to this friend who has been no part of our lives whatsoever. I don't feel it is fair to re-esatblish this friendship when my daughter could be at risk should my rapist desire any sort of vengence against me. I'm simply dumbfounded that my spouse comprehends none of my fear and is playing it off as female histronics (sp) ... I don't know what to think, period.

Any feedback would be most appreciated by me since I'm seeking to make snse of it all and naturally assume an unbiased opinion will help me fathom my own. So thank you in advance for your time in responding to my post.



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Sun, 09-11-2011 - 1:50am
Chloe- my apologizes to you. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. It makes me trying to recover from an affair trivial and small. After reading your post, I do not think that you are being unreasonable in your request. In a relationship I don't think either partner should do something that the other isn't complete comfortable with. Doesn't matter what we want sometimes, it's about give and take. I definitely don't think that either partner should do something that evokes fear like you are experiencing. Your post does bring up many questions, many what the others have said but also, is your husband considerate? Kind? Respectful? What do you plan to do if his friendship continues? What would be the chances of you seeing the man who hurt you? The only reason I can see for your husband putting himself in possible contact with your rapist is so that he may have a good chance to kick his you know what....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:01pm
Thank you. With regards to your questions:

(1) I don't know what I will do if the friendship continues. My husband tends to take on the interests of whomever he is hanging around which has already led to a lot of compromise on my behalf and these old high school friends are his old pot buddies. A couple of years ago he made friends with a neighbor who smoked and he started doing it himself. I don't know that he changed as a result or if that habit simply brought out who he was underneath the polite "Yes dear, sure dear, whatever I can do to help dear."

(2) What are the chances I'll see my rapist again? Highly likely that it will happen at some point. Roughly 7 years ago he showed up at my home looking for my husband. I didn't know it was him when I opened the door because his appearance had changed a good bit. Turns out he found us via public records after we bought the house. I started screaming and yelling that my husband and I were divorced and I didn't want to see him around here again. He did leave, I'll give him that, but now that my husband has befriended this guy who also knows my rapist, well my rapist will know that was a lie which could very well anger him enough to show up again.

(3) Is my husband kind, considerate and respectful? Right now I don't know how to answer that. He jokes with female friends in a way I feel is inappropriate and insulting to me. I mention it and he writes it off as I'm being unreasonable. If he thinks I won't agree with something he wants to do, he'll lie about it and simply do it, then when I get angry that it has been done he just calls me crazy and says I'm making myself feel angry. I just don't know how to answer that other than when things are good, they are good and when they are bad they are bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
In reply to: oh_chloe
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 1:09pm

peace & strength to you

this all sounds very insensitive my heart goes out to you, it is as if he only cares for his own feelings and is taking you for granted which we can identify with here

emotional abuse and disrespect

you need to look out for yourself and consider your options as in letting him know you have limits and what you will not tolerate and be ready to cut him loose if he is endangering you and damaging your soul

just my opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
In reply to: oh_chloe
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 2:14pm
Chloe- I have thought and thought about your responses. Your husband is acting like many other husbands including my own who have had affairs. There seems to be a progression of selfishness WS part and he is playing it very well. I bet you are tired, beaten down, trying to keep it all together but you know things aren't right. YOU know what is right and wrong, do not doubt in your judgement. I wish I could give you a clean cut easy answer but there is nothing easy about a relationship. What I can glean from your post is that your husband is not being a partner, he is being selfish by putting his wants and needs above yours. Marriage should be the primary relationship in our lives. You should not have to play 2nd, 3rd or 4th to ANYONE. as long as you allow this it will continue. You are at a crossroad my friend. We are he to help to sound things off on. Good luck. I hope it turns out for you. I really do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: oh_chloe
Thu, 09-15-2011 - 3:12am

It's a total 100% no-brainer, and your spouse is being a selfish, insensitive jerk.